Lack of remorse from husband.

[Fallingformyboss]

My husband isn't a very nice man. It's a long story and I don't want to drip feed or bore you to death with the detail, but basically I'm saving like mad to get away from him. I'm almost there, I really need to buy my own home for the security (mental health related) so I'm saving for the deposit as I earn a decent salary.

He hits me - not so I'd be battered and bruised (although bruising does happen) but enough to make me hate him. It's not regular, he did it again last week and before this it was last November. I know it's bad enough but my MH issues override me being able to walk out and rent for a bit.

He refuses to apologise for hitting me and tells me it's my own fault for pushing him to it.

I'm not sure what I'm asking to be honest I think I just want to let it out. I haven't told anyone IRL about this at all. Please don't flame me for not leaving yet I'm taking an educated risk. I should be able to move in about a year.

Thanks for listening. anyone have any similar experience and how do you deal with the lack of remorse?

Poor you. It is an awful situation.

I am another one worried that his behaviour will escalate. You dont know what might be round the corner which could trigger him and make him more volatile.

I think you need to get some financial advice with the aim of getting out as soon as you can. People have pointed out a few things on here. As a minimum i think you need a safe place to get to in an emergency and you need to tell someone you trust about your situation

I'd phone womans aid and make a plan to leave. You can divorce him once you have left and get a financial settlement.

Hi OP,

Many years ago I was where you are and I found so many reasons to delay leaving. Saving, preparing, planning.

The violence ramped up at such speed it was impossible to delay leaving any further. He almost killed me more than once. I had to involve the police and was protected very well. They had a service called sanctuary come out and secure my home (he was an arson risk). I had a panic phone linked directly to the police and a ghost car stationed outside my house for over a month until they caught up with him. I also had something called a DVPO, a court ordered restraining order of sorts - banning him from making contact with me.

A domestic violence liaison officer then supported me in relocating across the country.

I understand your reasons for wanting to stick it out, I too have very poor mental health largely due to everything he did to me, but the most important thing is getting out alive.

Please consider contacting women's aid and getting some RL support.

I wish you the very best x

OP even if you had enough for a deposit to buy, it would take months before you were able to move out. Plus the new property becomes a marital asset.

Just find a rental for six months. I had to move very quickly and was in a new place within a week.

Where do you live? You may not want to say but I am currently renting, there doesn't feel a lot that's insecure about it. I have a 6 month contract, have had that each time I renew, and my landlord says "stay as long as you like" and that this rental is his pension. I pay £600/month for a 1 bed place but it's up north. I'm also saving for a house deposit. I've rented before and this is the best situation I've ever had, but I looked for a private rental so I could meet the landlord and assess the situation before I moved in.

It may not be practical but if you're in the south I'd consider moving, to get away from him and find a cheap place to rent, somewhere you could save money.

Your thinking is too 'black and white'. The solution CANNOT be, live with a violent person for another year. There are other options available to you that are much less dangerous, and which still allow you to buy a house.