To think I should be a bit miffed....

[Starcup]

So DH and I have always been on same page regarding most things. We both feel the same and have discussed at length what we would be comfortable with regarding work/personal relationships. And what we feel would be crossing the line for us.

I totally understand different relationships will have different lines etc and it comes down to what the couple feel is ok or not

I’ve got no male friends. My female friends are all I need. They talk as much as I need and see things from my perspective.

My partner has one female friend but she’s married to his best cousin and they all went to school together so no problem with that at all.

Issue is, he works with a lady who appears to like make attention. Doesn’t seem to want anything from them other than what they can provide for her at work etc, taking her for lunch etc, Starbucks coffee.

DH says he cringes at the 2 men that make a fuss of her all the time (one is married the other single)

I know her through a friend and she’s ok but portrays the ‘woe is me’ persona/Damsel in distress.

So I went in to DH office couple of days ago and seen an email asking about stuff not work related. I went in again later that day and seen similar.

I thought it’s a bit of a coincidence that the two emails I see from her are taking about non work stuff. So is it just bad timing I seen the emails and it was genuinely they are the only ones sent about non work chit chat and it so happens in the 3 mins I was there, they were the only messages sent of sort?

Why am I fussing? Well I can’t go in to details on here but I suspect she likes make attention. My DH is nice looking and is her team leader.

I’m annoyed as he doesn’t need to reply to her about things not related to work. We have both said we wouldn’t see the need in this as we are not friends etc with work colleagues so what’s the point? He’s also said in the past he thinks it’s ridiculous the way the other two lads are constantly messaging her about things not work rebated.

He knows my line and be agreed he felt the same. We’re not friends with work colleagues of the opposite sex out of of work. Pointless messages about tea etc.... is what he takes this piss out of. He’d condone others for the same, yet here he is chatting about unrelated work stuff. Why? Why is it different for him but it’s OTT if it gets do it?

I’d she starts up about nine work rates stuff just don’t answer?

If I have understood this correctly, she's been emailing your DH / her line manager about tea? I wouldn't say that's much to worry about. As her boss, I don't think your husband can just ignore her completely if she emails him (unless it's inappropriate, eg flirting or slagging off colleagues). Is there more to this?

Oh, sorry, I have reread again ... tea was just an example of something pointless and non work related.

I still don't think you have too much to worry about. In any case ... is there a reason you feel the need to read his emails?

Have you posted this before? It is very familiar.

There to be more to this as surely you cant be annoyed at him having a normal conversation with her when they only talk about things like tea!?

He isnt taking her out to lunch or buying her drinks like the other two men you mentioned are.

I think you're being really unreasonable and the suggestion of him only responding to emails that include work stuff is also unreasonable.

I'm sorry but if my DH was like this with me I'd feel suffocated. I have some work friends on fb and message them quite often at any time I feel like, both male and female.

I don't fully understand but this seems very controling. Why were you reading his work emails?

Can I just check what you are saying...

Your husband and you have previously discussed what kind of relationships you both deem as acceptable, and you both agreed that basically any contact with the opposite sex, unless it was work related, was not ok?

And now you have seen emails which aren't about work, and so now you think your husband is talking to this woman about non-work stuff?

Which is unacceptable due to your previous agreement?

He'd not be much of a line manager if he just didn't answer non work related conversations.

You seem to be the one with the issues.

You went into his work and checked his work computer??

Hmm I'd be annoyed too, but a "friend boss" makes work environment much more better than a boss who ac

Starbucks is unreasonable. Sorry for the hijack.

I'm surprised that his employers haven't raised concerns over your accessing his work emails, but more surprised that it sounds like you haven't spoken to him about this- is that correct?

Oops posted by accident before I finished... in short your husband is probably just being a nice leader even if she has other intentions.

This doesn’t sound particularly healthy. Reflect on why you’re upset over colleague small chat.

Each to their own of course but what you describe is highly unusual. You have both decided to cut all contact with the opposite sex unless it is specifically work-related. That means, even a work colleague can’t make small chat? What a boring working life that would be.

Go make some male friends and step out of this really insular life. Life’s too short for this.

Did he leave his work computer unsecured when away from his desk or did you access it when off? Neither good example of cyber security!

I don’t really understand your post, it’s difficult to read and has an awful lot of information, not all of which makes sense, but if you trust your DH then there’s not an issue is there?. This attitude that women can somehow take poor defenceless men from their wives without them having any control over it is ridiculous. YABU.

Are you allowed male friends

You dint know what he has replied, or if he has. If she likes attention maybe being friendly and adding irrelevant chit chat is what she does. Your partner can't control what she does, just how he reacts. But you seem too preoccupied about this. And I would never intrude on my partner's work related business.

This all sounds quite unhealthy and odd to me. The fact you put so much energy into this suggests there is more behind what’s going on - have you previously been cheated on or did your parents have a controlling relationship?

Your boundaries seem unnecessarily tight. A bit of social chit chat just oils the wheels of a work relationship. If your husband said " great report Katie, enjoy the weekend ", and Katie replied "Thanks I will, I've got the wine in the fridge and some amazing French cheese for tonight, then a long bike ride planned for tomorrow, how about you?" According to your set boundaries, he couldn't reply and say "steak for me and tennis with the kids tomorrow ".

So suffocating. You checked his work emails? No friends of the opposite sex?

It’s so stifling. I couldn’t live like it.

No friends of the opposite sex is weird. Even weirder is extending that to mean no casual communication at all.

Allowing you to check his work emails is probably gross misconduct for him (and even if he doesn’t know he’s left his computer unsecured).

Bizarre thread.

@LellyMcKelly

Have you posted this before? It is very familiar.

Yup-didn't one guy take her coffee in?

The husband being "cringe" about it also?

When my ex husband cringed about a colleague like this they were having an affair.

Hopefully that was just my ex...

Your relationship sounds awful. I couldn't stay in a relationship with that little trust.

I could never understand a relationship where people aren’t allowed friendships with members of the opposite sex. It’s so limiting. Has he done anything previously that means you can’t trust him? If not, then I think YABU, especially as he is her manager and so it would be unprofessional not to respond her. If he has cheated or strayed in the past then of course that explains your insecurity.

Why are you in his office reading his work emails?

And you've 'agreed' not to be friends with opposite sex people outside of work?

Wow.

Not much trust in your marriage.