To think I should be a bit miffed....

[Starcup]

So DH and I have always been on same page regarding most things. We both feel the same and have discussed at length what we would be comfortable with regarding work/personal relationships. And what we feel would be crossing the line for us.

I totally understand different relationships will have different lines etc and it comes down to what the couple feel is ok or not

I’ve got no male friends. My female friends are all I need. They talk as much as I need and see things from my perspective.

My partner has one female friend but she’s married to his best cousin and they all went to school together so no problem with that at all.

Issue is, he works with a lady who appears to like make attention. Doesn’t seem to want anything from them other than what they can provide for her at work etc, taking her for lunch etc, Starbucks coffee.

DH says he cringes at the 2 men that make a fuss of her all the time (one is married the other single)

I know her through a friend and she’s ok but portrays the ‘woe is me’ persona/Damsel in distress.

So I went in to DH office couple of days ago and seen an email asking about stuff not work related. I went in again later that day and seen similar.

I thought it’s a bit of a coincidence that the two emails I see from her are taking about non work stuff. So is it just bad timing I seen the emails and it was genuinely they are the only ones sent about non work chit chat and it so happens in the 3 mins I was there, they were the only messages sent of sort?

Why am I fussing? Well I can’t go in to details on here but I suspect she likes make attention. My DH is nice looking and is her team leader.

I’m annoyed as he doesn’t need to reply to her about things not related to work. We have both said we wouldn’t see the need in this as we are not friends etc with work colleagues so what’s the point? He’s also said in the past he thinks it’s ridiculous the way the other two lads are constantly messaging her about things not work rebated.

He knows my line and be agreed he felt the same. We’re not friends with work colleagues of the opposite sex out of of work. Pointless messages about tea etc.... is what he takes this piss out of. He’d condone others for the same, yet here he is chatting about unrelated work stuff. Why? Why is it different for him but it’s OTT if it gets do it?

I’d she starts up about nine work rates stuff just don’t answer?

Blimey, what a controlling and stifling relationship you have.

Neither of you can speak to people of the opposite sex unless it's about work? Why the bloody hell not?

Another one who doesn’t understand why you’re going to his office and reading his emails?

I’ve never read my husband’s emails even when his laptop is there on the kitchen table and vice versa. And I’ve certainly never gone to his office

And it’s very controlling to tell your partner he can’t have any non- work chit chat, even if you say you are doing the same.

“DH says he cringes at the 2 men that make a fuss of her all the time (one is married the other single)”—- why do I get a feeling your DH would like to do that also? and in fact he does speak to her about non-working related matters but he’s is telling you what you want to hear at home , being on the same page bs? yeah is correct, when you’re buying a car or talk about finances but I’ve never seen a man being on the same page with his wife regarding other women 😂

Behaving differently to men and women at work is sex discrimination, so unless none of them have any non-work discussions whatsoever you have to suck it up ... and if it was that sort of office I don't think I could live with anyone who worked there.

I've worked on mostly male teams where the women were excluded from the general chitchat and its poisonous. It's not about seeking male attention, it's about equality.

@didle

That reminds me of my dad, apparently kept slagging of a colleague who was known for sleeping around with other men at work. He later left my mum as he had go this woman pregnant!

Anyway, back to op.

There are a number of issues here. Unless there is a major drip feed and you are your dh line manager then it is highly unprofessional for you to be reading his emails once let alone twice in the same day!

Your relationship sounds incredibly controlling. To suggest its in appropriate to have social conversations with colleagues of a different sex is baffling. What a long day at work that must be if you can chat to others.

I have always chatted and be become very friendly to people at work - even ones I don't work with but talk to on the phone from other departments or even companies and with both genders- admittedly its usually women but I have become friends with a couple of male colleagues too.

Life is too short to not be social and friendly with people.

Life is too short to be worrying about this shit.

And why ask whether you should be 'miffed'? Either you're miffed or your not. Why do you need to be told whether you should be or not.

That's stifling & unrealistic tbh. Chit chat at work oil's the wheels & makes the job & atmosphere easier if it's boring or stressful. I've worked in places where non work chat was expressly forbidden & pounced on as a misdemeanor & it was grim. Why are you at his work & reading his emails. That's a real breach of workplace confidentiality. Do you work? If so, how do you ignore male coworkers making conversation in the kitchen etc? Ludicrous.

I have male and female friends. It is possible.

If they were in the office, having a chat about what everyone was having for tea, or what they did at the weekend or whatever would be normal and it would be really, rude to not answer any questions from someone of the opposite sex.

While people are working from home those conversations still happen, but by email or instant message. What's the problem?

He deserves to know that you distrust him so much.

YABVU and very controlling. It’s weird and unnatural to not be allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. And it’s weird and unnatural not to be allowed to talk to your work colleagues about subjects that aren’t work-related the whole time.

You shouldn't be reading his work emails due to confidentiality. What if one of his team were discussing a health issue with him?

If you trust him, you would have no issue with this - clearly you have some issues regarding trusting him and other women.

This seems to be the same as a thread a couple of weeks ago, except I think that was a text, all other details the same

Your disdain for a 'lady' who 'likes male attention' is ridiculous. Just because you can't be friends with a man doesn't mean the rest of the female population is only allowed to discuss work matters with men. Jesus. Lighten up! And stop reading his work emails. Outrageous.

Also I suspect your DH is saying one thing to you and doing whatever he damn well pleases when you're not around.

1. Why are you reading his work emails?
2. It’s his problem as a work colleague to deal with,
3. You sound controlling, no friends of the opposite sex, having the audacity to read work emails, not once but at least twice, and then questioning

Grow up

Condone means approve of, sanction, overlook behaviour that is morally reprehensible.

I think you mean condemn.

If you were my son's partner I'd be very concerned about him. You are using your anxieties to control another person which isn't right regardless of whether you've discussed it or not.

Checking his work emails is completely wrong. You have no right to police him.

You need to get some help to address your insecurities before it damages your relationship

DH says he cringes at the 2 men that make a fuss of her all the time (one is married the other single)

That's what he tells you as it's what he wants you to hear. The far bigger issue is that you looked at his work emails, cripes. If you are worried then speak to him, you either trust him or you don't. Looking at his work emails and worrying about something which doesn't sound that outrageous isn't going to help. I have plenty of male friends at work and outside of work, nothing untoward.

Why on earth were you allowed into his office twice in one day? Why did you need to go there? and reading his Emails, really?

You seem very anxious. Do you feel like you need to control the relationship?

Why were you in his work emails ? It all seems a bit weird and controlling no friends of the opposite sex not being allowed to respond to chit chat emails at work

You sound ridiculous and honestly a bit misogynistic. Why are you going into your husbands office and checking his work emails? That’s a data concern for a start let alone just mad. Can he not even chat to female colleagues? Should he just ignore her? Honestly I’d get some counselling for your paranoia and issues with women.

You sound like a complete tosser

This reminds me of that old Fast Show sketch where the sad deluded middle-aged man assumed that all women fancied him something rotten. A young female colleague would make a throwaway social pleasantry to him and he'd grab her arm, take her to the side and say "Look, Susan, you know we can't carry on like this so brazenly where everybody can see us - you'll completely give the game away!"

I'm also reminded of a post on an old MN thread about weird/nasty work colleagues, where the poster had a male colleague (not originally from a British culture) who refused to talk to her and would insist on discussing things with men in the department who worked in different areas and therefore weren't able to assist him in the way that the woman who had worked on the project could. He was allowed to get away with it for ages, but when it came to a head and he was forced to explain his actions, it turned out that he believed it would be deeply disrespectful and dishonouring to his wife for him to speak to a woman about the most boring, mundane aspects of accountancy or whatever. There may also have been some non-too-subtle sexism there too, as women do clearly struggle with carrying paperwork between desks and knowing which buttons to press on a computer keyboard....

doesn;t everyone send their work colleagues non-related work e-mails as part of daily office life general chit chat?