AIBU to be annoyed that his response was "tell me what you want me to do to help you?"

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

I am working FT outside the home as normal during the virus. My job is pretty full on anyway but particularly so at the moment.

DH is currently furloughed so is at home with the dc, and drives me to and from work.

I am really fed up of a lot of things at the moment and we have issues in our marriage anyway- which is why I am not sure whether I am BU because I am already cross, or whether in fact DH is BU.

DH did something we agreed should not be done which led to a bunch of fairly minor issues, but all issues which fall to me to sort out. And that led to me becoming, not for the first time, annoyed at the lack of equal responsibility. It seems these days like everything falls to me- all the life admin and arranging and planning and checking and so on. I texted to DH "I am so tired and I feel totally unsupported. I organise and plan everything. Money, bills, education, childcare, health, activities, tax, insurance, everything. It is like I have two full time jobs. I am tired."

DH's response was "OK how do you want me to help you with that?"

… and I just want to scream. I don't want help, I want him to take on equal responsibility. I don't want to tell someone I am tired due to being the one who is responsible for everything and them to push back to me the responsibility for coming up with a solution to it.

AIBU to feel like that?

3 things: 1. say "yes, you can read that guardian article" 2. breezily say "yes could you do the shopping, cooking, laundry and clearing up for the week?" 3. see what happens

If he's not neccessariky a bad guy, just flawed, and you feel it's worth working on him: first explain he us not helpig you, he is participating in this family, as he should do. This one he should get in his head for life, as I explained to hubs when he first spit out this gem 😁. Second, make a plan together of dividing tasks. Some people, not just men, are just not a natural at taking innitiative. Good luck.

He's furloughed.

Don't split the chores. HE does the chores. That's a great split.

Send him the mental load comic. Tell him to watch it and really THINK.

Then say, we're going to have a Meeting and that's going to be the starting point.

And you have the meeting and you are not mean, because he's not a mind reader. You don't, for example, just say 'Your turn now' then get pissed off that DC's dental check gets missed because he didn't know about it and didn't know where you noted the date down.

You do however lay down that the meeting will be, essentially, a training slot for him to take on the mental load. So it's not tasks, it's a discussion on what you generally do, how often you do it and why, does he agree, that's great, if not, what is the plan going to be - for each Thing like cooking, bad changing, appointments etc.

Then HE goes away and makes HIS list of what he plans to be doing to cover the chores/responsibilities while furloughed, and what smaller chores/things he would like you to help him with, and you have Meeting 2 to verify. And then you concentrate on work, and coming home to dinner/no washing/no thinking and you recuperate!

The wording is clumsy but honestly if you usually do so much he probably has no idea where to start. Just tell him what you want him to do from now on and that you dont want yo be reminding/ supervising him.

YANBU to want him to pull his weight but I think YABU that you couched it all in terms of 'you' being tired. That made it sound like it was your problem that you were asking him to help fix. Say you want him to take on running the home as his full-time job because you already have a job. You don't want help. It's not because you're 'tired. It's because it's a fair way to share responsibilities. Don't 'fix' the problems he creates. Let him do it.

Don't tell him WHAT to do.

Just tell him that since he is being paid to do nothing, EVERYTHING at home is his responsibility.

You basically have a housewife now.

You're the person out at work, he can cover everything else.

If he has a bad day and doesn't get through everything then YOU can help HIM.

But the responsibility for looking after the home and the children must be primarily his, since he is not working and you are.

I don’t see the problem with his question. You just need to state clearly that you’d like him to do X,Y and Z. If you’re annoyed at the ’help you’ part of it, have that conversation, but otherwise, stop playing the martyr.

DH and I split the jobs between us. As DH used to supervise homework, he now does the schoolwork. Most days, he does breakfast and lunch and I do dinner.

I sort and wash the laundry, he puts it out to dry. We sit and do a shopping list once a week. As he’s cocooning, I do the actual food shop. We spend time most days working through what needs doing and who’s going to do it. It doesn’t take long.

DH deals with most of the household bills. I take care of the car inc. insurance, tax, maintenance etc.

We’re both managers so used to planning, being organised and giving clear instructions to staff. Occasionally, DH starts a conversation and I have to remind him I’m not his employee because of the way he’s framed the request, but mostly, it’s light hearted banter.

We argue like most couples but my mum was a perpetual moaner who could never ask dad to help, so he didn’t. I grew up realising that it’s unfair to expect other people to be mind readers and it’s perfectly reasonable to ask clearly for what you want.

DH's response was "OK how do you want me to help you with that
Why do men do this? (NAMALT obvs). He's not helping you with anything, you aren't the boss. Every time DH claims to be helping me with a task e.g. laundry, I have the conversation with him. Every single time, but nothing changes.

"How can I help you?" is a reasonable question from your assistant.

Or a friend who is offering to chip in when you are overwhelmed.

It is NOT what one partner asks another.

The very idea that a woman who was being paid to stay at home would still leave all the domestic work to her husband is laughable.

And then OFFER TO HELP when he suggested that maybe she was taking the piss?

And sorry, but knowing that if you are at home not working while your wife it out at work that you should just get on with the domestic work is not any kind of mind reading.

I have this problem too but something interesting happened recently....

Last year my children started a new school and my husband had to do the school runs which he had NEVER EVER done before. This worried me as i thought I would need to supervise him constantly however I was astonished at how quickly and easily he took on this task , he started to actually know things about what time they needed to be in /picked up / things they needed etc!. What was also interesting was how quickly I stopped knowing these things because he had taken the mental load and relieved me from it.

All this time I had assumed he was totally useless but it appears he wasn't. He had let me take the mental responsibility for everything and for some reason I had. Same as you.

Hand some stuff over to him and make your self unavailable to do the tasks again. See what happens.....

I recommend the organised mum method (for him not you). For example she does a Christmas count down with all the things that need to be sorted out. If he’s serious he could start with being in charge of all the house stuff.

I remember having this sort of argument with DH before we were married. I remember saying "are you an adult? If so, you work out what the fuck to do about X. If not, piss off back to your parents and I'll think about marrying you when you've grown up". We were 27 and 28 at the time.
I'm not necessarily recommending it as it was a fairly nuclear response but it did lead to us developing a pretty equitable balance of mental load. Eventually.

@JosephineDeBeauharnais

DH's response was "OK how do you want me to help you with that Why do men do this? (NAMALT obvs). He's not helping you with anything, you aren't the boss. Every time DH claims to be helping me with a task e.g. laundry, I have the conversation with him. Every single time, but nothing changes.

What really helped in our house is that every time I did some house work I said I was helping him with his job and invited him to thank me. I also left some things and didn’t do them and when he noticed I said “oh you didn’t ask me to help with that, you should have asked.” I think it was eye opening for him.

There is a really good book called Fair Play which has a great system to implement - your DH should read it x

Yes, my ex husband would ask me to make him a list if what I wanted him.to do and he'd do it. Totally missing the point. I think he's grown up a bit now and him and his wife seem to share things quite equally. My partner isn't much better, again, quite happy to do stuff - if I tell him or leave a list - because he has a bad memory
Isn't it funny how we both pee on the same toilet yet only one of us sees the overflowing laundry basket in front of the toilet and then does something about it?
I'd be pissed off too, OP.

OK how do you want me to help you with that?

YANNNNNNNBU

This totally pisses me off. I have this too. It's the effing mental load always falling to you, Having to plan and divvy up chores and remind them about the chores, and plan again. And HE IS NOT A FUCKING CHILD. HE IS AN ADULT LIVING IN A HOUSEHOLD HE ALSO HAS TO RUN.

Your DH's 'how can I help response' is particularly annoying as (a) you had already told him what the issues were - he should have said, Ok, I will take over x and x and x and y from now on. (or all of it) (b) it shows how completely unaware he is of what is involved in any of those tasks that he has to ask how to do them!

And he probably thought he was being the best most supportive husband ever by asking you to tell him what to do to help!

So tempted to sed those cartoons to my husband to demonstrate why I have been in a bad mood this week!

And as other said, it is not 'helping' IT IS HIS OWN EFFING LIFE TOO AND HE NEEDS TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT, NOT OUTSOURCE IT AS UNPAID LABOUR TO YOU.

My 4 year old asked me today "mummy, why do you always do so many things at the same time".

Feeling every emotion possible about it right now!

So many replies, thank you all so much :) I have more of them to read but wanted to respond before I get lost following links and planning how to talk to him.

I am definitely going to ask him to read the guardian article, the cartoon is brilliant.

So far I have texted him to say why doesn't he think about what he can do rather than asking me to tell him. I really think he's going to struggle with the mental load thing.

Mind you I am taking on board what some pp have said- he isn't a mind reader so I will need to detail at some point exactly what it is that I mean when I say I organise, plan and am responsible for everything. I did start writing it as a handy list but got so depressed at the length of it and so annoyed with myself at the pettiness of it (like 'remember to change the dc's toothbrushes, remember it's time to change the sheets, plan the meals and write the shopping list) I had to stop. And it's not like he won't do things if I ask him, he's not bone idle. But he has to be asked! No one asks/ tells me. Argh, I am working myself up again.

He definitely will be thinking "but I asked her what she wanted me to do, I am BEING CARING AND NICE, why is she crosser than she was before".

You are all lovely to take the time to read this and offer thoughts and advice. Thank you! if you like it and to all :)

That expression “help you” makes me want to fucking commit murder. Help you. Like these jobs are all your responsibility. And I’m so kind I’ll help you out. Because you can’t cope can you dear? Bless you. Here I am riding in on a white charger to help. FUCK OFF!!!

Read up on the mental load OP.

Your DH should know what to do but clearly doesn't, so getting annoyed with him isn't going to help, especially when he's said he's happy to help and make things easier.

Just give him a list - treat like a new employee! Assume no knowledge. He'll get it (think what they could f**k up and pre-empt it).We've had au pairs at home and I've had a few trainee Optometrists and it's amazing what people can mess up.

The list needs to be short and day specific though - if it's too big it's too daunting.

It's annoying he doesn't already know but I don't think there's any point in getting stressed or starting an argument over it. I think it is nice he is showing he is willing to help in any way he can.

Communication is such a big cause for relationship problems so being clear and explaining yourself can only be a good thing. All you had to text back was I am working and you are not so you need to do all of the housework, cooking and homeschooling.

When I had small children and my ex was out working, My ex would give me a long explanation as to why he shouldn’t have to do anything around the house. I would melt into a rage, and he “trained me “ to accept that all the housework, gardening and paperwork was down to me.

That was years ago. Now I’m with a man who works 12 hours a day, he does the shopping and cooks all meals and cleans up the kitchen, deals with all the bills, and books the holidays. We live in a flat and I just deal with the washing, ironing and hoovering. I don’t work, but he loves being busy and kitchen work.

So just get with a decent fella and not a lazy arsehole.

How about making a list of all the jobs that need doing in the house and garden. Roughly how often each job needs doing. Maybe actually how to do it, eg once a month wipe over shelves in fridge with warm water with a teaspoon of bicarbonate. Keep an eye on what needs to be eaten up and what needs to be chucked. When the washing basket is full, put on a wash. If he is really clueless, make sure you explain about temps and separating loads. Daily jobs listed, eg empty dishwasher. Every couple of weeks clean the filter. Wipe over surfaces at end of each day with.. whatever you use.
My younger son, having not gone to uni managed to be a bit clueless when he moved in with his girlfriend. ( older two are very domesticated.) Once he realised what needed doing, and how to do it, regarding cleaning, washing and cooking he was happy to use his initiative and gained the confidence to just get on with it. He was always willing but honestly, I think he was a bit nervous about mucking things up!
It may be a chore to set up a list but knowledge is power and your oh will soon get the hang of it. Then gradually start giving him more responsibility and leave it to him. Hopefully once he realises what running a home is all about he will step up. Like my son perhaps, a bit clueless.