AIBU to be annoyed that his response was "tell me what you want me to do to help you?"

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

I am working FT outside the home as normal during the virus. My job is pretty full on anyway but particularly so at the moment.

DH is currently furloughed so is at home with the dc, and drives me to and from work.

I am really fed up of a lot of things at the moment and we have issues in our marriage anyway- which is why I am not sure whether I am BU because I am already cross, or whether in fact DH is BU.

DH did something we agreed should not be done which led to a bunch of fairly minor issues, but all issues which fall to me to sort out. And that led to me becoming, not for the first time, annoyed at the lack of equal responsibility. It seems these days like everything falls to me- all the life admin and arranging and planning and checking and so on. I texted to DH "I am so tired and I feel totally unsupported. I organise and plan everything. Money, bills, education, childcare, health, activities, tax, insurance, everything. It is like I have two full time jobs. I am tired."

DH's response was "OK how do you want me to help you with that?"

… and I just want to scream. I don't want help, I want him to take on equal responsibility. I don't want to tell someone I am tired due to being the one who is responsible for everything and them to push back to me the responsibility for coming up with a solution to it.

AIBU to feel like that?

[Nonotthatdr]

I used to get angry about him not taking on the mental load and it was leading to conflict.

We had a big argument about it and it appears he just dosent think these things need doing- he’s probably right, he’d be happy to sit around in sweats eating takeaway and hire a cleaner. He ensures the kid is fed and clean and sort of entertained if I’m not there. He would have bought a flat with no garden.

I want a pretty house, family time, nutritionally balanced meals, neat clothes, maintained social lives for us and the kid etc.

He now gets that this is important to me and I get he’s not going to notice this stuff needs doing as he just doesn’t think it does. So we agree I do the thinking he does the doing And he can’t moan about it or he then had to do the thinking himself. He gets a list Every weekend and works through it like

1. Clean kitchen
   
2. Weed veg patch
   
3. Research and buy dd a new bike (not pink) 4. Take dd on a walk and look for insects
   
4. Cook veg pasta for dinner (link to recipe). Much more harmony - so I do still Have to think but stuff is getting done and we’re not fighting

[BessMarvin]

This infuriates me because while DH and I seem to have the usual sort of chores split up well, the mental load is mine and all the life admin kind of things. I'm working on it.

However I am wondering how old the children are he's looking after during the day because that'll impact how much he can get done while looking after them. Plus how easy they are. My 2 are under 5 and the baby is hard work. I get about 15 minutes a day to do anything sometimes.

[JustC]

Hm don't make the list your responsibility though, ur just adding to ur stress. When face to face, tell him to write down what can be done tomorrow or this week. And it doesn't have to be all at once. Ex: this week can you change laundry, do bathroom tile etc. Another day/week smth else. He will hopefully gradually add them to things he generally notices if he actually means to make life easier for both of u. Also Hugs to you. Hope you feel better/less stressed about it.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

Just tell him that since he is being paid to do nothing, EVERYTHING at home is his responsibility.

You basically have a housewife now

How so? He's looking after the children isn't he? Would you be telling a SAHM that absolutely everything is her responsibility? Shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, childcare? That will go down well on MN.

[MintyMabel]

I think you have two choices here. Get hung up on the badly worded olive branch, or sit down together and work out how things need to be divided. This can include letting him know you don’t see this as helping you but as being part of a team.

He should know, and he should be able to work it out, and he should be a lot of things. Your choice now is whether to hold on to that and totally seethe about it and still end up doing everything, or to do something tangible about it and sort it from here.

[saleorbouy]

Pass the buck, from now on DH you will be responsible for, tax, insurance, MOT etc. for the cars. It's much easier to define the responsibilities so each of you know your remit. He sounds like he wants to assist, you just need to say where/what and hand over the relevant information to him. I'm sure he's able but is just comfortable for you to do it unless you ask otherwise.

[Teacher12345]

OP your last post is singing to me. It’s exactly how I feel things go with my partner. If I tell him he does nothing, he says I am being unfair! I ask him how it is fair that I do all I do plus all the thinking for him and two kids!

[gingergiraffe]

How about making a list of all the jobs that need doing in the house and garden. Roughly how often each job needs doing. Maybe actually how to do it, eg once a month wipe over shelves in fridge with warm water with a teaspoon of bicarbonate. Keep an eye on what needs to be eaten up and what needs to be chucked. When the washing basket is full, put on a wash. If he is really clueless, make sure you explain about temps and separating loads. Daily jobs listed, eg empty dishwasher. Every couple of weeks clean the filter. Wipe over surfaces at end of each day with.. whatever you use.
My younger son, having not gone to uni managed to be a bit clueless when he moved in with his girlfriend. ( older two are very domesticated.) Once he realised what needed doing, and how to do it, regarding cleaning, washing and cooking he was happy to use his initiative and gained the confidence to just get on with it. He was always willing but honestly, I think he was a bit nervous about mucking things up!
It may be a chore to set up a list but knowledge is power and your oh will soon get the hang of it. Then gradually start giving him more responsibility and leave it to him. Hopefully once he realises what running a home is all about he will step up. Like my son perhaps, a bit clueless.

[Classicbrunette]

When I had small children and my ex was out working, My ex would give me a long explanation as to why he shouldn’t have to do anything around the house. I would melt into a rage, and he “trained me “ to accept that all the housework, gardening and paperwork was down to me.

That was years ago. Now I’m with a man who works 12 hours a day, he does the shopping and cooks all meals and cleans up the kitchen, deals with all the bills, and books the holidays. We live in a flat and I just deal with the washing, ironing and hoovering. I don’t work, but he loves being busy and kitchen work.

So just get with a decent fella and not a lazy arsehole.

[NoseyfriendNC]

It's annoying he doesn't already know but I don't think there's any point in getting stressed or starting an argument over it. I think it is nice he is showing he is willing to help in any way he can.

Communication is such a big cause for relationship problems so being clear and explaining yourself can only be a good thing. All you had to text back was I am working and you are not so you need to do all of the housework, cooking and homeschooling.

[underneaththeash]

Your DH should know what to do but clearly doesn't, so getting annoyed with him isn't going to help, especially when he's said he's happy to help and make things easier.

Just give him a list - treat like a new employee! Assume no knowledge. He'll get it (think what they could f**k up and pre-empt it).We've had au pairs at home and I've had a few trainee Optometrists and it's amazing what people can mess up.

The list needs to be short and day specific though - if it's too big it's too daunting.

[MadameMeursault]

That expression “help you” makes me want to fucking commit murder. Help you. Like these jobs are all your responsibility. And I’m so kind I’ll help you out. Because you can’t cope can you dear? Bless you. Here I am riding in on a white charger to help. FUCK OFF!!!

Read up on the mental load OP.

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

So many replies, thank you all so much :) I have more of them to read but wanted to respond before I get lost following links and planning how to talk to him.

I am definitely going to ask him to read the guardian article, the cartoon is brilliant.

So far I have texted him to say why doesn't he think about what he can do rather than asking me to tell him. I really think he's going to struggle with the mental load thing.

Mind you I am taking on board what some pp have said- he isn't a mind reader so I will need to detail at some point exactly what it is that I mean when I say I organise, plan and am responsible for everything. I did start writing it as a handy list but got so depressed at the length of it and so annoyed with myself at the pettiness of it (like 'remember to change the dc's toothbrushes, remember it's time to change the sheets, plan the meals and write the shopping list) I had to stop. And it's not like he won't do things if I ask him, he's not bone idle. But he has to be asked! No one asks/ tells me. Argh, I am working myself up again.

He definitely will be thinking "but I asked her what she wanted me to do, I am BEING CARING AND NICE, why is she crosser than she was before".

You are all lovely to take the time to read this and offer thoughts and advice. Thank you! if you like it and to all :)

[Teacher12345]

My 4 year old asked me today "mummy, why do you always do so many things at the same time".

Feeling every emotion possible about it right now!

[alittlelower]

And as other said, it is not 'helping' IT IS HIS OWN EFFING LIFE TOO AND HE NEEDS TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT, NOT OUTSOURCE IT AS UNPAID LABOUR TO YOU.

[Teacher12345]

So tempted to sed those cartoons to my husband to demonstrate why I have been in a bad mood this week!

[alittlelower]

OK how do you want me to help you with that?



YANNNNNNNBU

This totally pisses me off. I have this too. It's the effing mental load always falling to you, Having to plan and divvy up chores and remind them about the chores, and plan again. And HE IS NOT A FUCKING CHILD. HE IS AN ADULT LIVING IN A HOUSEHOLD HE ALSO HAS TO RUN.

Your DH's 'how can I help response' is particularly annoying as (a) you had already told him what the issues were - he should have said, Ok, I will take over x and x and x and y from now on. (or all of it) (b) it shows how completely unaware he is of what is involved in any of those tasks that he has to ask how to do them!

And he probably thought he was being the best most supportive husband ever by asking you to tell him what to do to help!

[lotusbell]

Yes, my ex husband would ask me to make him a list if what I wanted him.to do and he'd do it. Totally missing the point. I think he's grown up a bit now and him and his wife seem to share things quite equally. My partner isn't much better, again, quite happy to do stuff - if I tell him or leave a list - because he has a bad memory
Isn't it funny how we both pee on the same toilet yet only one of us sees the overflowing laundry basket in front of the toilet and then does something about it?
I'd be pissed off too, OP.

[BubbleBathandBook]

There is a really good book called Fair Play which has a great system to implement - your DH should read it x

[Applesandpears23]

@JosephineDeBeauharnais

DH's response was "OK how do you want me to help you with that
Why do men do this? (NAMALT obvs). He's not helping you with anything, you aren't the boss. Every time DH claims to be helping me with a task e.g. laundry, I have the conversation with him. Every single time, but nothing changes.

What really helped in our house is that every time I did some house work I said I was helping him with his job and invited him to thank me. I also left some things and didn’t do them and when he noticed I said “oh you didn’t ask me to help with that, you should have asked.” I think it was eye opening for him.

[JohnLapsleyParlabane]

I remember having this sort of argument with DH before we were married. I remember saying "are you an adult? If so, you work out what the fuck to do about X. If not, piss off back to your parents and I'll think about marrying you when you've grown up". We were 27 and 28 at the time.
I'm not necessarily recommending it as it was a fairly nuclear response but it did lead to us developing a pretty equitable balance of mental load. Eventually.

[Applesandpears23]

I recommend the organised mum method (for him not you). For example she does a Christmas count down with all the things that need to be sorted out. If he’s serious he could start with being in charge of all the house stuff.

[silverbubbles]

I have this problem too but something interesting happened recently....

Last year my children started a new school and my husband had to do the school runs which he had NEVER EVER done before. This worried me as i thought I would need to supervise him constantly however I was astonished at how quickly and easily he took on this task , he started to actually know things about what time they needed to be in /picked up / things they needed etc!. What was also interesting was how quickly I stopped knowing these things because he had taken the mental load and relieved me from it.

All this time I had assumed he was totally useless but it appears he wasn't. He had let me take the mental responsibility for everything and for some reason I had. Same as you.

Hand some stuff over to him and make your self unavailable to do the tasks again. See what happens.....

[Nihiloxica]

"How can I help you?" is a reasonable question from your assistant.

Or a friend who is offering to chip in when you are overwhelmed.

It is NOT what one partner asks another.

The very idea that a woman who was being paid to stay at home would still leave all the domestic work to her husband is laughable.

And then OFFER TO HELP when he suggested that maybe she was taking the piss?

And sorry, but knowing that if you are at home not working while your wife it out at work that you should just get on with the domestic work is not any kind of mind reading.

[JosephineDeBeauharnais]

DH's response was "OK how do you want me to help you with that
Why do men do this? (NAMALT obvs). He's not helping you with anything, you aren't the boss. Every time DH claims to be helping me with a task e.g. laundry, I have the conversation with him. Every single time, but nothing changes.