AIBU to be annoyed that his response was "tell me what you want me to do to help you?"

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

I am working FT outside the home as normal during the virus. My job is pretty full on anyway but particularly so at the moment.

DH is currently furloughed so is at home with the dc, and drives me to and from work.

I am really fed up of a lot of things at the moment and we have issues in our marriage anyway- which is why I am not sure whether I am BU because I am already cross, or whether in fact DH is BU.

DH did something we agreed should not be done which led to a bunch of fairly minor issues, but all issues which fall to me to sort out. And that led to me becoming, not for the first time, annoyed at the lack of equal responsibility. It seems these days like everything falls to me- all the life admin and arranging and planning and checking and so on. I texted to DH "I am so tired and I feel totally unsupported. I organise and plan everything. Money, bills, education, childcare, health, activities, tax, insurance, everything. It is like I have two full time jobs. I am tired."

DH's response was "OK how do you want me to help you with that?"

… and I just want to scream. I don't want help, I want him to take on equal responsibility. I don't want to tell someone I am tired due to being the one who is responsible for everything and them to push back to me the responsibility for coming up with a solution to it.

AIBU to feel like that?

[Teacher12345]

OP your last post is singing to me. It’s exactly how I feel things go with my partner. If I tell him he does nothing, he says I am being unfair! I ask him how it is fair that I do all I do plus all the thinking for him and two kids!

[saleorbouy]

Pass the buck, from now on DH you will be responsible for, tax, insurance, MOT etc. for the cars. It's much easier to define the responsibilities so each of you know your remit. He sounds like he wants to assist, you just need to say where/what and hand over the relevant information to him. I'm sure he's able but is just comfortable for you to do it unless you ask otherwise.

[MintyMabel]

I think you have two choices here. Get hung up on the badly worded olive branch, or sit down together and work out how things need to be divided. This can include letting him know you don’t see this as helping you but as being part of a team.

He should know, and he should be able to work it out, and he should be a lot of things. Your choice now is whether to hold on to that and totally seethe about it and still end up doing everything, or to do something tangible about it and sort it from here.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

Just tell him that since he is being paid to do nothing, EVERYTHING at home is his responsibility.

You basically have a housewife now

How so? He's looking after the children isn't he? Would you be telling a SAHM that absolutely everything is her responsibility? Shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, childcare? That will go down well on MN.

[JustC]

Hm don't make the list your responsibility though, ur just adding to ur stress. When face to face, tell him to write down what can be done tomorrow or this week. And it doesn't have to be all at once. Ex: this week can you change laundry, do bathroom tile etc. Another day/week smth else. He will hopefully gradually add them to things he generally notices if he actually means to make life easier for both of u. Also Hugs to you. Hope you feel better/less stressed about it.

[BessMarvin]

This infuriates me because while DH and I seem to have the usual sort of chores split up well, the mental load is mine and all the life admin kind of things. I'm working on it.

However I am wondering how old the children are he's looking after during the day because that'll impact how much he can get done while looking after them. Plus how easy they are. My 2 are under 5 and the baby is hard work. I get about 15 minutes a day to do anything sometimes.

[Nonotthatdr]

I used to get angry about him not taking on the mental load and it was leading to conflict.

We had a big argument about it and it appears he just dosent think these things need doing- he’s probably right, he’d be happy to sit around in sweats eating takeaway and hire a cleaner. He ensures the kid is fed and clean and sort of entertained if I’m not there. He would have bought a flat with no garden.

I want a pretty house, family time, nutritionally balanced meals, neat clothes, maintained social lives for us and the kid etc.

He now gets that this is important to me and I get he’s not going to notice this stuff needs doing as he just doesn’t think it does. So we agree I do the thinking he does the doing And he can’t moan about it or he then had to do the thinking himself. He gets a list Every weekend and works through it like

1. Clean kitchen
   
2. Weed veg patch
   
3. Research and buy dd a new bike (not pink) 4. Take dd on a walk and look for insects
   
4. Cook veg pasta for dinner (link to recipe). Much more harmony - so I do still Have to think but stuff is getting done and we’re not fighting