MIL

[RachelGreen5]

Not AIBU but posting for traffic.
NC for this! So I think I’ve posted once before about MIL watching my kids and how uncomfortable I am with it, I stated my reasons and majority of you agreed you’d feel the same. Without going into it all again, one of my main reasons is that she’s never been the best mother to DP never made the right choices for him and never really put him first he was mainly raised by grandparents. Now despite this he really can’t see why I don’t trust her with my children. It’s becoming a bit of an issue, we argue about it a lot.
I’m wondering if anyone else has been in this position? How did you handle it?
I’m getting sick of giving in and letting her do things that I’m not comfortable with just to avoid an argument with DP.

Without you going into it, no one can really give you an answer to this. If you think they're in danger then you should protect them, you obviously shouldn't put your children in danger to avoid an argument with DP. However, if it's a difference in opinion on how things should happen or you're just holding a grudge on the past then your DP has as much of a say as you do.
For example:
If MIL doesn't make them wear seatbelts and DP is ok with that then you should stop MIL watching them until she agrees they should wear seatbelts. Not wearing seatbelts is unsafe.
However, if you don't want them watching TV or playing video games but MIL lets them, if DP is fine with it then you don't get to flat-out overrule DP.
Does that make sense?

Does your MIL want to look after the children? Is she interested in their lives? Is she good with them when she has them? Is their specific things she does that makes you uncomfortable?

My partners mum had him very, very young. She was in a string of abusive relationships and he witnessed the abuse on multiple occasions, she turned to drugs and became an addict and he was exposed to some horrific situations, unfortunately his dad died when he was young he was mainly brought up by his grandparents.

His mum has been clean for 10+ years and now has a home, a job, she’s feels guilty everyday for what she put him through. We’ve recently had our first child and her first grandchild and she could not love our baby any more. I feel like she sees this as an opportunity to give our baby the love she never was able to give him as a baby. I’d never feel nervous leaving our child with her and although their relationship can still be strained at times, I have no reason to think she’s incapable of looking after our baby due to mistakes she made years ago with my partner. He still holds some resentment towards her and she’s very aware of this and they are very open when they discuss his childhood, I can tell it kills her everyday knowing what she put him through but she’s a different person now

You’re going to have to give an example sorry!

@Lockeduporknockedup
I suppose I see the things as a danger but he doesn’t, every parent I’ve spoken to about it agrees.
MIL is very relaxed with things that I’d consider a danger, example; she saw no issue at all with leaving my 19 month old child in a strangers front garden and walking away shouting bye bye. This led to my child panicking, chasing her and falling. I don’t know how anyone on here feels about this but myself and the people I’ve spoken to about it agree that this is not okay. My child could have ran straight out into the road. We have no idea who lived in that house, anyone could of opened the door and snatched her.
Another example of things I’m not comfortable with; I agreed to let her babysit so me and DP could go out. DP was already out I was alone when his mother turned up, she’d brought her boyfriend with her. A man I’d only met once prior to this so he’s basically a stranger.
I think it’s poor judgement. I don’t feel comfortable having a man I don’t know in my house with my children.
DP thinks that because his mother is in a relationship with this man trust should be automatically given. I disagree completely. I think that DP has brought this up with MIL and she had a bit of a paddy.
I agreed she could have a second chance and watch them again for a few hours, now under the impression she’d be coming alone.
Only for her to bring her boyfriend again.
I’ve told DP that she won’t be watching them anymore if she can’t respect my decision.
This is probably the main thing we argue about. I’m not going to change my mind on the matter, to me and DP this man is a stranger.
I’m wondering if anyone else has dealt with anything like this and how was it handled.

Just seen your update, I obviously would be extremely unhappy with her leaving the child in the garden.. such odd behaviour, was she apologetic. As my previous essay explained my partners mum wasn’t a good mum to him but that’s absolutely no bearing on her as a grandparent. But if she behaved like this then obviously I would be concerned, I think my MIL has gone the opposite way, she’s so cautious with the baby I almost want her to just relax and enjoy him!

Ah I see. Mil did exactly the same when she was baby sitting although brought her sister and some random bloke on crutches. They bought a bag of beer also. The bloke fell down the stairs pissed on his crutches and woke baby up who was upset at us not being there and random people in the house.

She was never asked again.

She also tried to put my kids in her car which she isn’t properly insured on and was told off the opticians she was birdlime blind and needed to give her licence in. Not a chance.

It was worth e wry single argument I had with dh over it and in the end her stopped asking. Mil seen her arse with me but I couldn’t care less.

Hold your ground

Borderline*

The example of saying bye bye sounds unpleasant but would depend on the context. I've done this to my kids when walking and they were having a big tantrum but I was only a few metres away from them and would have been much quicker if they'd run towards the road. How did you found out about the incident?

As for the boyfriend, yes I think you are being precious. Unless you've heard that he was a dangerous person, why assuming he would hurt your child? What would it take for you to vet him and do you really think you'd be able to tell he isn't a paedophile?

No I would never give automatic trust to a stranger for baby sitting, just because he is your mils new boyfriend!!! I was sexually abused as a small child. I don't trust anyone apart from my parents, my husband and his parents. Always listen to your gut feeling, it's always right. Keep your child safe. Who cares about how your mil feels. It's your child, so your rules.

Was it that the child went into the garden as they were walking past and wouldn't come out. Rather than go and get the child she said we're leaving now come on....bye bye then?

Unless you've heard that he was a dangerous person, why assuming he would hurt your child? What would it take for you to vet him and do you really think you'd be able to tell he isn't a paedophile?

Would you leave your child with a strange man? If not, why not? After all, unless you couldn’t tell that he ISN’T a paedophile what’s the risk?

I wouldn't like any of this. Maybe you can re think some of it when your child is older and less vulnerable.

Op, I’m with you on not bringing a boyfriend along. If she will be in your house, basic manners should mean she asks whether it’s ok to bring someone you don’t know, along with her.

I’d politely decline all offers of help from her in future. She doesn’t sound sensible, safe or respectful. Hire yourself a professional babysitter instead.

@thetangleteaser if MIL was the same as yours I’d feel different too!

@Sonotech oh I absolutely will I’m not giving in! It’s just becoming annoying having to explain my many reasons to him over and over and him see no problem with any of them🤯

@dontdisturbmenow no I don’t think it was quite like that. She told me herself about the incident she had to DC came home crying with a scrape on her leg. She knew I was pissed off but didn’t seem to care didn’t think she’d done anything wrong.
I don’t know him well enough to know if he’s dangerous or not but that’s not a chance I’m willing to take with my children. He’s a strange man I know that. I think only time would make me comfortable with him being around my children alone.

@Beautiful3 this is my exact thoughts! I trust my gut, I’m not saying this man is a sexual predator but I don’t know him. I think he’s strange personally.

@smileyfacesadfave yes that’s the case. Had my child of maybe been older her approach might have been more acceptable but my child wasn’t even 2 at the time, a baby left alone on a strangers doorstep.

@LillianBland I won’t leave my child with any stranger! It’s a risk I’m not prepared to take with my children!

@SnuggyBuggy MIL asks DP if she can come over and take them and he agrees without telling me. I usually find out the morning of. This is what I’m wanting advice on, how do I get through to DP that I’m not at all comfortable with her taking them alone?

@Mintjulia I decline all help anyway! It’s DP, she asks him if she can take them and he agrees without even telling me, I need advice on getting around this! I agree with all the above tho she’s not sensible at all intact very immature! Petulant would be a good description of her. Shes disrespected me numerous times in regards to completely ignoring my instructions for the children. I can outright tell her not to do something and she’ll still do it right in front of me.

Skirt, OP. I completely agree with you, I was directing my comment to the dontdisturbmenow who thinks you’re being silly and was questioning why you wouldn’t risk the safety of your child, just to prove NAMALT.

Skirt = sorry.

@LillianBland I think I misunderstood too!
I felt the same absolutely no way, when it concerns my children trust is something you earn.

Some times there are things about people you don't agree with or like, but this was your DH upbringing and there's nothing that can be done about it now. Being resentful isn't helping your situation. This isn't just your child, your DH is seemingly ok with his childhood and wants your MIL involved.
My childhood wasn't the best and whilst my mother wasn't great to us growing up, she is a fantastic grandmother. People can change.

Maybe she is a better grandmother than mother but her behaviour isn't great in these examples.

The second time she did that to you with her boyfriend, would be her last. She wouldnt be allowed to babysit again.

@Neron it’s not that I don’t want her involved I just don’t want her taking my children off alone. I don’t think she’s responsible.

@TabbyMumz oh it is. My mother is the only one to have them now on the rare occasion I go out.

From what you've described, I wouldn't trust your MIL to babysit either and, even if someone I trusted was babysitting, my expectation is that they would be alone, as they are there to focus on the care of my child, not to have a catch up with a mate or a date.

Can you suggest a compromise to your partner e.g. your MIL can visit with the children when you are there? This way she can build a relationship with them in a way you are comfortable with. It's also not acceptable that your partner leaves it until the last possible to second to tell you of a change in childcare arrangements (i.e. your MIL is coming around). I suspect he does this to avoid an argument with either of you, but it's not an adult way to manage this situation.

@SnuggyBuggy she’s good with the children and they love her. But I’m afraid there’s more examples where they came from.

There's nothing wrong with just spending time together with her for now. No one is entitled to alone time with other people's children.