MIL

[RachelGreen5]

Not AIBU but posting for traffic.
NC for this! So I think I’ve posted once before about MIL watching my kids and how uncomfortable I am with it, I stated my reasons and majority of you agreed you’d feel the same. Without going into it all again, one of my main reasons is that she’s never been the best mother to DP never made the right choices for him and never really put him first he was mainly raised by grandparents. Now despite this he really can’t see why I don’t trust her with my children. It’s becoming a bit of an issue, we argue about it a lot.
I’m wondering if anyone else has been in this position? How did you handle it?
I’m getting sick of giving in and letting her do things that I’m not comfortable with just to avoid an argument with DP.

When your DP arranges for her to have them, is this at times when you both planned to be out, when only you planned to be out or when you were both going to be at home anyway?

If it’s when you’re both out, just make sure you organise someone before he does. If it’s when you’re not going out just say no as soon as he tells you and then call her to say “sorry DP arranged this without checking with me and it’s not happening”, then don’t let them leave with her. If he does it when only you’re going out I’d be asking him why he doesn’t want to spend that quality time with his children - is he such a bad father that he can’t look after them himself?

This isn't just your child, your DH is seemingly ok with his childhood and wants your MIL involved.

Yes, there are two parents involved in the child’s life, however one, who has had a bad mother wants to make a decision that may put their child at risk, just to prove she’s changed. Whereas the other has already seen evidence of lax grandparenting and refuses to further risk their child’s safety, just to keep two adults happy. I know which one is putting their child first and it’s neither the father or grandmother.

Sorry not read all the replies but can you and DH chat this grandparents about it? Assuming they would agree with you and your DH would listen to them.

@ConkerGame it normally on a weekend or sometimes weekday evenings, normally when we’re not doing anything and she’ll come and want to take them out. I don’t mind her coming round and seeing them but she always wants to be taking them somewhere.
Previously she never had a car so could only take them to local places, but just before lockdown she got a car so I’m trying to prepare myself for the arguments me and DP will have when lockdown ends and she thinks she’s taking them God knows where and I say no.

Imo having child free time is supposed to be enjoyed not stressful!
Tell dp you can't relax for worrying about the dc - as is your right..

She can still be a dgm with you /dp present..
Bit odd why a new bf would want to be spending time babysitting strange dc though..

Well in that case, you just say no when she comes round! It will be uncomfortable and unpleasant the first couple of times but then they will see you mean business and will stop arranging for this to happen.

It doesn't have to be aggressive - MIL: Here I am, ready to take the kids to the farm! You: Oh, did DH agree to that? I'm afraid that doesn't work for us, but you're welcome to stay here and play with them in the garden. MIL: But DH said it was fine. You: well DH didn't discuss it with me first and I'm afraid I'm not happy with it, so you're very welcome to stay but you can't take them out [smile sweetly]

The only person saying the child is at risk is the OP, and this is based on her knowing how her DH was raised which is how I've taken this thread. It comes across as OP doesn't like MIL and isn't giving her the chance. The problem is, the kids aren't just hers and is causing arguments - and will continue to cause them because OP is going to keep saying no. Coming on to MN to get people on her side, because all MIL are evil/dangerous/boundary breakers etc isn't going to solve anything.
I can see the OP worries, but some of us have had awful parents but actually are amazing GP given the chance.

@Windyatthebeach absolutely when she takes them I’m on edge until they get back!
I feel the same about the boyfriend too!

@ConkerGame yes I think that’s what I’ll have to do, I just wish it didn’t have to come to that. DP just doesn’t seem to listen, I was hoping someone would have experienced similar and could advise. I suppose their isn’t an easy way of getting out of uncomfortable situations like these.

@Neron no it’s not that I haven’t given her a chance she had a chance when she walked away from my child in some random garden, she had 2 chances to babysit but couldn’t understand that I didn’t want a stranger in the house. It’s not about me liking her or not, I don’t dislike her nor am I particularly close with her.
I don’t come on MN to get people on my side I know myself I’m not wrong for feeling the way I do, I come on MN to see if anyone else has had issues similar and how they dealt with it.

@RachelGreen5 personally I don't think the above e.g. of her 'walking' away was bad. I think you should have definately met the BF more times before he came to your home, but you already think he's strange and I felt that you didn't like MIL. Apologies if incorrect.
The problem is you are going to keep saying no as explained above, so are just going to keep butting heads with your DH. Can you go to a park, zoo or something as a group, but you and DH lag behind. You can observe how she is with LO and do things like that until you are happy MIL can be alone with them (or be proved she can't). Word it to your DH as a compromise, you are building up your trust. You've admitted you see the danger, so can be a way to see if you are over reacting?

How does your DP justify being sneaky making secret arrangements?

@Neron I’ve met the boyfriend 3 times now including the 2 occasions he came to my house and he’s still yet to speak to me, I’d think walking into someone’s house completely blanking them and parking your arse on their sofa would be quite strange unless your a stroppy teenager, he of course isn’t. I’ve told DP that I’m more than happy for MIL to come round as much as she likes and she’s more than welcome on family days out. The issue is she likes to have them on her own and 90% of the time when we’ve invited her out she’s wanted to go else where with her boyfriend.
I’ll mention it to him again and see if he can come to a compromise.

@torktorkbam he thinks it’s fine because we don’t have plans anyway.

No way should your dc be without you when this man is around.. He is rude, ignorant and not exactly selling himself is he?

God the boyfriend situation sounds even worse with the updates. He won't speak to you but will come to your house, virtually a stranger, uninvited when you're going out to spend time with your dc.

YANBU at all. Stand firm.

Your DPs behaviour is reckless and there shouldn't be an argument about. He can't force you to be comfortable with it, so he has to accept it.

YANBU. stand firm and trust your instincts.

@Windyatthebeach I feel exactly the same about him, his behaviour makes the situation far worse if he’d turned up and at least been pleasant it might have been slightly easier to take. The strange behaviour is very unsettling.

@bunnyplops I know right! Oh I will be I’m not budging when it comes to my children. My DP is similar to his mother in terms of maturity he sees it as ‘fair’ that his mother should be able to bring her bloke seen as my stepdad spends time with the children. The difference being my mother has been with this man years, I’ve lived with him in my final years at home and I actually know him. But that’s the reasoning I get. DP thinks that his mother trust for this man should be taken on by me.

@gah2teenagers oh i absolutely will.

Rachel your partner doesn't sound very bright or reasonable.

What terms can you explain to him how children are most likely to be abused by people they know.

Maybe get some stats.

I had very similar issues with my mum.

I found it extremely stressful. She knew EXACTLY what my feeling were but dismissed them as she knew the bf was “safe”. I told her that was not the issue. She issue was her blatant overstepping if clearly articulated boundaries. MY child MY decision.

She was not happy. I think a huge part of it lies in the fact that her mum basically ran her life so she felt she had the same “rights” over mine.

After numerous arguments I finally had enough and just cut her off completely. We never spoke or saw one another for 18 months.

She never apologised and no doubt never will. We are low contact. However she is now finally accepting that I call the shots when it comes to my child.

@Swiftsseason yes he can be hard to reason with he’s very much like his mother in that sense he’s petulant, he paddy’s and sulks. All traits he learnt from her baring in mind the examples I’ve stated above aren’t the only problems we’ve had.
I think part of it also is that he doesn’t want to have the conversation with her his self because he knows how she can get when you say something she doesn’t like.

@TimeTravellersHat I know that feeling I’ve had numerous incidents with MIL over stepping. On a few occasions immediately after DC2 was born my mother was there and was quite shocked.
Luckily my mother knows that I don’t play when it comes to my kids she knows to listen on the rare occasion I actual have specific instruction.

Fortunately, this is hardly a problem at the moment anyway.

Once lockdown is over, if you don’t what her to take then somewhere on her own, ask her over for lunch/a BBQ/whatever.

Why was your DC in a stranger’s garden?

After what I've been told through with my Mil I'll play hell with anyone who messes with my dd.

And point out I would also host their son.

It depends whether your reasons are based on historic events or if she gives reason for concern now? Has she acknowledged her parental failures and is trying to be a better grandparent or is being a parent/grandparent one and the same?

@HelloDulling oh yes I know at the minute it’s fine but once lockdown is over she’s going to want to take them on her own. She’d let my child go into the garden, she likes to ignore me when I ask her to use reigns.

@JBEM4 the issues we have are all recent within the last year. No she’s not acknowledged her shitty parenting I don’t think she even realised, no one has ever pointed out the issues to her. She’s not great at taking any type of criticism, paddy’s sulks and goes off on one. Her parents have never made her aware. I’m not the only one who feels this way either DPs childhood friends have all said the same to me, most of them arent too keen on her.

Fucking hell, no no no don't let her babysit or anything! How many times must she prove herself unsuitable nay dangerous? Look out for yourself as well as your child and stand your ground re. partner.

@Piemam I know myself she’s not capable of looking after them some of the things she’s done are ridiculous. It’s DP I struggle with he sees no wrong in the things she does and just thinks chances should be infinite. I think it’s because he doesn’t want to have to conversation with her, she won’t take it well she’ll more than likely spit her dummy out.