to think this is unacceptable from DH.

[Yolo89]

I have spoken many times about my DH who suffers from some form of depression and has an alcohol issue. He has temporarily moved out so he can sort himself out. We are also getting counselling. In his latest fiasco, he got us a letter of eviction on our property as he has paid no rent for two months. He is without a job at the moment and has taken this room which obviously costs money, whilst not been able to afford our rent. We recieive UC at the moment. He has a high paying job so if he is working it is fine. But he is not.

When he got the letter, I asked him for all the emails sent to the LL. He had not replied to some and then not responded enough to some of them. Plus he paid NO rent. None. I was shocked. And shocked at how he is shcoked at this, as if it is happening to him and he is not at fault. He didnt know how to respond to them. I had to with a plan. I cant fathom how someone that is intelligent is like this. Is this the alcohol problem taking over? He does not drink every day and not rolling around drunk but it seems to impair something. I just cant understand it?

Midwest - I deeply resent the comment to protect my children. I do everything to protect my children - how am I not??? Goodness what a thing to say. He does not live in the house and we are trying to sort things out. How is this not protecting my children???? Sweeping statement based on little.

Absolutely focus on separating your finances. Make a UC claim in your own name - he has moved out and is living separately.

You need that money to pay the rent and fees the family etc.

He may or may not accept he is now an alcoholic and work on his issues. Probably not but that will take time to conclude whereas protecting your DC by having someone where to live etc is something to sort urgently.

Sounds like he has moved out so he can do as he pleases and drink himself to oblivion when he wants to.

Hope - first of all, I am so sorry that your DH died of alcoholism. I am truly sorry. It sounds like you must have been through a lot also.

I thoroughly agree with you. I cannot fix him. I was meaning by concurrently that he works on his alcohol in the counselling whilst we work on our relatonship ie he has probs with me and I am doing this so we can work together. I know the problems are primarily due to alcohol but it means he does not feel so attacked.

I am not trying to fix him. He has moved out to fix himself. But he said he has moved out because of the way i treat him. ie i get angry because of the drinking. I am trying to focus on my life and what I can control but with children it is very hard .

His parents are no help and dont believe he has a problem. Even when i told them he passed out on the street and was woken up by a man on a dodgy street and had his backpack stolen. They think because they see him stop at one drink that he is not an alcoholic.

Again, I am sorry for your loss.

Op, I think anyone who has read your previous threads will simply not understand why you’re fighting so hard for this pain to continue,

Random - yes agreed.

Bluntness I agree with you. But I am trying for him to get better. I want him too. This is quite new. and i need to see before i totally give up.

Because you are running round after him picking up and sorting out all the mess he has made.
Because you are centering him in your families life and not your dc who you actually have a duty of care towards.
Because I have heard you say what your DH's plan for returning home to the family are but nothing about what your expectations are on this front.
Because you thought he was trying to stop drinking, he has said no and nothing has happened other than you hoping that his counselor will talk to him.

I could be completely wrong.
It may be that you have clearly laid out that his drinking, wasting money and creating a risk of homeless for the dc are all unacceptable to family life and he cannot be part of the family while he behaves like that.
You have explained that the dc need a calm and safe environment to grow up in and if he cannot contribute to that then he cannot return to the family home.
You may well have created a rough timescale between you which highlights the amount of time you are willing to put your dc's need for stability 2nd while he sorts himself out, after that he would be on his own.
Obviously in that case you wouldn't be enabling him.

I don't believe you are protecting your dc based only on what I have read because you are centering your family life around a relationship with an angry, explosive man with alcohol issues, who is temporarily out of the house but plans on returning.
Nothing that you have written about this relationship or your family life sounds safe, secure and stable for dc.
It sounds horribly sad for you all and both you and them deserve better.

You have all the answers so I am not sure why you are posting, tbh

This man will bring down all of you. You are putting your fingers in your ears and shouting la-la-la

I don't think you appreciate that many people on this thread and your others can see the writing on the wall because they have lived it

You think your man is different but actually the reality is they are all as banal and predictable as each other. Any recovering alcoholic will tell you that

He will not have any incentive to strive for himself while you are still making excuses for him. You are enabling him just as much as the rest of his family I am afraid

Thanks for your condolences Yolo.

I know what you mean about in-laws. That was my experience too. But it’s irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

Please take some of the excellent advice on this and other threads. These posters really do know what they are talking about.

You may think you are protecting your children but look how much of your time and mental energy is taken away from them and focused on someone you cannot change.

Assume the worst. Assume that your husband will never stop drinking. Now make all your plans as if that is the case. Separate your finances. And again... take the advice!!

This is quite new. and i need to see before i totally give up

Him moving out is new, the rest isn’t. And you already started a thread as you guessed he was moving out, against your wishes so he could drink. He’s told you straight he doesn’t want to stop drinking. What else is there to see op?

He’s given you and your kids years of pain, people keep telling you to let him go, for your kids sake if not for your own.

It’s not going to change, it will just keep getting worse. Take a step back and ask yourself why you’re willing to put you and your kids through this for this man, who isn’t even pretending he wants to change.

Perhaps you need to accept the wonderful man he was one has actually disappeared.

Life changes us, not always for the better...

I am certainly not the person I was before an event that triggered a deep depression and I really fought to get better but something broke and it is not possible to be who I was.

If you are hoping for the man he once was to reappear sadly it's most likely futile, someone better than who is now could make a comeback but not the soul you fell in love with.

You are like my mother op. She always hoped my dad would stop drinking, put him first.

Me and my siblings hate her for not protecting us. She was the adult and we were powerless. We have little relationship with her now. She's still trying to fix him.

Put your children first and leave him properly.

You should google adult children of alcoholics to gain insight into exactly how keeping them in this situation will fuck them up when they are older.

Olivia, the op has been told this many times sadly.

I think the decision to have a couples counsellor specialising in addiction might have been a mistake.

Usually, when a person is both clinically depressed AND drinking, the alcohol is NOT the problem. The depression is the problem, and the alcohol is how the person is self-medicating. Everything you describe- job loss, loss of status from high earner to benefits recipient, pending eviction with inability to do any adult functions from finances to child care to self care all point to a major Depressive relapse.

If you want a last attempt to get the old “beautiful soul” back, I would advise that you have him talk to his GP and then self-refer for psychological assessment and intervention. He probably needs actual anti-depressant medication and talking therapy. They will look at his drinking and decide if he is also abusing alcohol as a way to self medicate and by treating the Depression, they will get him less likely to reach for alcohol and less dependent on it to full his senses and make him numb to his misery and depression.

Yes, no matter what you decide- divorce or stand by him, you will need to take over all adult functions for near term.

He doesn’t want to stop drinking.

Listen to him.

YOU cannot fix this. Not the drinking, and not the mental health.

I agree with everything Midwest has said.

He doesn’t even agree with you about the reason he moved out.

He has no intention of stopping drinking or resolving anything and he blames you for everything. And you are enabling this. You are. I’m sorry to say this, but you are. Read again what Midwest has said and take it in.

Separate everything from him and tell him he cannot come home or be part of the family unit until he is recovered, or well on the way to recovery but with full acceptance and ownership of his problem.

He was willing to see you and your children EVICTED while he was safe with a roof over his head.

Please wake up and get some distance so you can see what everyone here sees.

You cannot fix this.

Only he can.

Plan - he is on anti depressants even though Doctors have said he is not depressed but based on what?? He says he has anxiety and stress.

I can see if he will get a psychological assessment. He is seeing a private counsellor. He tried CBT.

I am protecting my children 100%. This pains me when people say this. He is looking after them and has not been intoxicated.

I have had a psychologist say I am very protective of them. To say I am not is just plain wrong. They are not neglected, they are not in danger. They see me hurt emotionally but they are safe and loved.

I had to fix the housing issue as it involves my home and that of my children. He is incapable. I dont know why, but he is.

If an addiction specialist is not right, then god knows where I go. I think he should do rehab, and focus on mending himself.

He has to look after the children as I am studying and working fulltime and he has no job. What am I supposed to do? I cant just say do not come into the home. They cant be at his place much as it is just a room. What am I supposed to do, really???

I do not put him first, I put my children first with him like this.

I know I cannot fix him.

Midwest - I dont really appreciate the sarcasm to be honest.
This is friggin painful and it doesnt need to be made worse with your digs.

You may be well intended but it certainly doesnt come across well.

I am not sure of how many people on this thread have lived this and do actually know. Some yes. But not all.

I'm not being sarcastic, I may be too blunt.
I have seen plenty of dc damaged because their parents center their relationship and not their dc's well being.
This seems from the snapshot what is happening here.
I don't know if other more challenging conversations have happened but based on this response I'm guessing not.
You really should be paying more attention to what the child survivors of these types of relationships are trying to tell you.
You are both damaging your children with the way you are behaving.
It is very hard and very unfair this has all been dumped on your lap to sort out but one of you should be adult enough to put your dc first.
It sounds like he isn't capable that only leaves you.

Good morning Yolo.

I agree, you are protecting your children and trying to help him. I’m a child of alcohol dependent parents as well, and think many PPs are projecting their experiences and presuming that your situation is like their parent(s). I would have loved to have a mother like you xx. To a certain extent it is being a good role model to help a person you love rather than show your children that people you love are disposable and not deserving of any help or a second chance.

When did a doctor last see him? A major depressive episode can go from feeling down to actively suicidal/catatonic in a matter of weeks. Also when was his medication last reviewed? And is it medication that can be cancelled out by alcohol (some anti-Ds do not work if mixed with alcohol use). It should be reviewed every few months, certainly no less than once a year.

Get him back to a doctor and tell him he must be absolutely honest about his feelings and alcohol use. If he isn’t, nothing stops you from phoning the doctor and informing him/her of your concerns.

But ultimately, the problem is not your relationship, but his poor mental health & self medication through alcohol/alcohol dependency and if he is unwilling to seek help, then you do need to consider what your limit is. It’s one thing to support and help your DH but another to become a sacrificial martyr to his illness. You don’t want your life and your DCs entire childhoods swallowed up by this. So I do agree with PPs that even if you have not yet reached the end of your rope, you do need to sit and consider just how much rope is left before you cut him loose.

Has he seen a GP or a psychiatrist regarding his mental health?

Has his addiction been assessed by a professional?

In my experience people who are dependent on alcohol are very selfish.
Your DH chooses to spend money on alcohol than pay the rent to keep his family secure.

planderaccordement speaks a lot of calm and non judgemental sense.

I agree with Plan - you haven't reached your rock bottom yet. You will. When you do, you will be able to say hand on heart that you tried everything. I know how hard it is to let go of someone you love, I've done it and like you I took too long about it. With 20/20 hindsight I can pinpoint exactly the moment when I should have said 'this is it, I'm done', but at the time I was too entangled in it all.

I would make sure that you use your counselling to work through where your limits are and whether you are using enough of your mental resources on yourself and your DC. Only you can assess that, but I think you will need some support because your husband is draining you every day. Good luck.

For the sake of your children, please cut loose from this man.