to think this is unacceptable from DH.

[Yolo89]

I have spoken many times about my DH who suffers from some form of depression and has an alcohol issue. He has temporarily moved out so he can sort himself out. We are also getting counselling. In his latest fiasco, he got us a letter of eviction on our property as he has paid no rent for two months. He is without a job at the moment and has taken this room which obviously costs money, whilst not been able to afford our rent. We recieive UC at the moment. He has a high paying job so if he is working it is fine. But he is not.

When he got the letter, I asked him for all the emails sent to the LL. He had not replied to some and then not responded enough to some of them. Plus he paid NO rent. None. I was shocked. And shocked at how he is shcoked at this, as if it is happening to him and he is not at fault. He didnt know how to respond to them. I had to with a plan. I cant fathom how someone that is intelligent is like this. Is this the alcohol problem taking over? He does not drink every day and not rolling around drunk but it seems to impair something. I just cant understand it?

He’s not a ‘beautiful soul’.
He’s a spiteful, bad tempered drunk who prefers his relationship with alcohol to the one he could have with you and your dc.

'Why oh why oh why does he behave this way' is the road to insanity. It's irrational - you can't make sense of it. Don't waste your energy trying. He has a problem you can't live with, and he doesn't want to change it.

Draw a line. Move on.

If he's depressed, he may just be letting everything slide because he can't cope with it. His alcoholism exacerbates this, because alcohol inhibits brain function and is basically a sedative when consistently abused.

You need to take control of your own finances and housing situation for yourself. The best you can do for him is signpost him to help - the GP, AA, etc. You should get in touch with Al-Anon for yourself.

You believe his drinking is behind his behaviour which is putting you and your children at risk of homelessness.

What you want is for him to stop drinking to avoid harmful consequences. He does not want that and intends to continue to drink. You've tried living separately but remaining in a relationship and that hasn't worked as he only pays for his own accommodation, but not for you and the children , so you need to decide what other options you can try.

At the moment his drinking is primarily your problem, not his. You need to decide whether he can drink as he likes and you live with the consequences, or you leave him to drink as he likes and the consequences are his problem alone.

Ah yes, that old chestnut.

Everyone is wonderful if you don't count all the bad stuff they do.

I can't believe you would sit in a "counselling" session more than once where he blames you for his drinking.

I think there is something about drinking that makes people fail to face up to reality. A relative of mine did something similar: he stopped paying the mortgage, went to a lot of trouble to intercept letters to him and his wife from the building society, ditto stuff from the court. The first his wife knew about it was when the bailiffs turned up to evict them. He was totally unable to explain what he was thinking.

And what I forgot to say in that post was that said relative was an unacknowledged alcoholic.

Tork what do you mean I wouldnt sit in a counselling session more that once?

We are seeing an addiction specialist who counsels couples. I am doing the couples counselling to work with him, as he sees this is my fault, but I know it is due primarily to his drinking. But I am happy to work together to try and solve this as addiction is a family thing.

I'm sorry but I find the comments about just leave him is not really helpful. You dont know my DH and yes things are far from perfect but I want to try and solve it. If of course he does not want to stop, then I will have to leave but I want to try and work on it before entirely giving up.

This is a fairly new problem. If he cant change I have no choice yes, but I need to give him a chance. Dont I?

You've given him a chance and he's told you he doesn't want it. He wants to keep on drinking. That isn't going to change no matter how much you want it, because he doesn't want it.

It seems a very odd situation with this counselling.

Usually an addiction counsellor would be seeing him alone. This seems like enablement to remain in denial.

Also, alcoholics often have a codependent in their lives. Usually separate counselling would be recommended because the codependent has issues with taking responsibility for fixing others and the addict for not taking responsibility for themselves. Both of you being counselled in the same room at the same time seems very odd. How can your different and conflicting needs be addressed?

What did the counsellor say when he tried to blame you for his drinking?

Is this religious counselling?

Tork. We both have separate counsellors. I dont feel likenhis deals with his addiction enough obs as he does not want to confront it.

We have tried a normal couples counsellor but she did not help as I really dont feel this is a couples issue, it is an addiction issue and I was too angry to work on anything until he worked on the addiction,

So, now I have decided to work on both the alcohol and us concurrently. Yes it is a little different, but this is a family issue and needs not to be dealt with for my husband alone. Ie It needs to be transparent.

I decided we needed a couple cousnellor specialising in addiction. No it is not religious.

We only had the first session last week, so he didnt exactly say anything to DH but he was asking him some tough questions. He knows what it is going on, but he needs to be careful so my DH does not feel ganged up upon.

I did speak to another addiction specialist who does not do couples but does allow transparency as the spouse is allowed updates and allowed in some meetings. I think this is the only way, as DH has shut me out of treatment. I am affected to the core by this, so I need to be in on the treatment.

It may be that the counsellor does some sessions with DH alone to talk more about the addiction.

I didnt know until a few days ago he wants to keep drinking. He told me he was trying to stop.

Mashed - I only found this out a few days ago. He said he feels like he wants to be able to have a drink as he is not confident socially, which is true. But he does recognise he has a problem and wants to fix it. I belive he cannot keep drinking at all but we have only had one session so hopefully we can explore this further.

You would probably benefit from counselling for yourself alone. Ideally from someone with experience of partners of addicts / codependency.

If his therapy does not result in him getting dry you need to have your own head properly sorted. In particular you need to know yourself independently of him, the family and his addiction.

OP, one thing leapt out at me that no one else has mentioned...

He accessed his pension fund early, and wants you to as well?

If you’re under 55 then accessing your pension is not authorised. If he is found out then he will pay a hefty tax bill. (I’m assuming he is under 55).

And that aside, companies that help you access your pension before 55 aren’t operating within the law and you lose a very large proportion of the value of your pension when you use them. Sometimes all of it.

Financially it’s an extremely foolish thing to do.

However, if he’s over 55 and you are too then crack on!

It sounds like he has some serious mental health illness. Until that is resolved, you won’t get him to see sense about anything else. You’d be better off sorting the finances and rent yourself as best you can without expecting much from him in terms of organisation. He needs to get himself some medical help.

I second the poster who said to contact Al-anon. Seriously, you really need to do this if you want to understand what is going on in this situation.
They will give you loads and loads of emotional support.

TorkTork - I have just had 6 sessions with a counsellor that specialises in addiction. So I have support. I can call on them whenever I need. I talk to a friend almost daily who has been through a far worse situation.

The most frustrating thing is his parents who think because he told them that I am to blame not the alcohol for which they dont believe there is an issue, but for the relationship. They do not think he has a drinking problem.

WiseOwl - thanks for the info but it is a pension from a different country where he is originally from. So it is allowed at his age. (which is not 55 by way!!) He has asked me to access mine also which is a big fat no. I have already taken loans out for him and he has used a lot of my inheritance been out of work - this funding has now stopped too. I will not do any of this for him any more. I think he is crazy taking it out but he has got so many loans from his parents as he has been out of work so many times. Now it is coming up to 6 months.

Nails - I agree. I have asked him if I can take control of the finances.
He is seeking counselling and on anti depressants and drinking though. He is speaking to the drs once a week i think and he is also speaking to an alcohol service. But he has clung onto the idea that he should not go cold turkey as professionals told him this six months ago. He is not physically dependent. He is not a bottle a day, having fit s if he didnt drink. He could detox in 5 days. if he wanted to. But he does have serious mental health and he gets angry if i tell him he does. He is taking anti depressants yet will not admit he has depression.
His personality has completly changed.

Beancounter - thank you yes I will contact them.

TorkTork - though I am going through a shite time and I cry all the time because of this, I am happy in myself. I am happy with my life, apart from my relationship; I love my DC, my friends, my new career I am embarking on etc etc. DH was perfect too until drink took hold. It is utterly devastating.

He wasn't perfect until drink took hold..
He was a perfect actor until he gave up on the lie and reverted to his true nature.

He's been lying to you and to himself from the start.

If you look back to the beginning of the relationship you will see the red flags waving.

Your counsellors sound dangerously incompetent by the way.

OP, you need to separate your finances and protect yourself - he's going to ruin you financially.

He is choosing drink over his dc having a roof over their heads and you are currently doing more to enable him than protect your children.
Hopefully your counselor will help you to look at what is truly in your best interests and those of your dc.
It can take time to understand what is actually going on in a situation but your dc need more support than your adult DH.
I agree with Al-anon as good place for yourself.

Living - no he wasn't perfect but no one is. He was a great guy. Really. He has deep mental health issues due to a disability and this has led to drinking. He just now needs lots of help.

Why exactly do the counsellors seem incompetent? Rather sweeping statement based on not much.

category - my finances are separate. We are sadly on UC at the moment as DH is out of work and I am studying. He gets the payment. I am trying to change this.

Midwest - how exactly am I enabling him???

So, now I have decided to work on both the alcohol and us concurrently

1. You cannot work on the alcohol. You can no more cure his alcoholism than you can raise the dead.
2. The marriage is going nowhere until he is a long way into recovery. His relationship is with alcohol. Even when his blood alcohol level is zero.

Can you see the problem here?

I’ve followed your threads on your DH since before my own DH died of alcoholism. You’ve lived a life of chaos and upset for a long time. Haven’t you noticed that everything has got worse despite your best efforts? Have you ever considered that trying to fix him is having either no effect or the opposite effect? Do you think that maybe now is the time to allow an adult male to make his own choices while you concentrate on what you can change, that is, your quality of life and that of your children?