Relocating mixed race family

[CovoidanceMechanism]

I live in a city which is very ethnically mixed, we are a mixed race family. My child sees a lot of people with similar skin colour to themselves from a huge variety of backgrounds. Family structures are very diverse.

A family member who lives in a much more white and conservative town needs help because of a serious health problem. I've always liked their area but knew if we lived there my child might be almost the only non white person in their school.

WIBU to move?

Does your/your family's ethnicity influence your perspective?

Have you asked your family member, who lives in the area, for advice?

I have people of various ethnic backgrounds including Indian and Black Canadian in my immediate family, so I have cousins who are various shades of brown. As the current situation is showing us, we may want to blithely claim that there is no racism in the UK and expect the brown kids to do the adjusting rather than put ourselves in their shoes.

One of my cousins was knifed in the back while running away from a gang of boys as a teen. That was decades ago but I would not personally put my child in a situation where she/he was the only person who looked like them. They are already a person who experiences not looking like the majority and all that entails. Why put them in a situation which is even more exaggerated and they have noone who can share their experiences? I would also want to make sure they are in a very diverse school so they don’t have to deal with the racist assumption that they should be great friends with a handful of students because they are all brown. My cousins experienced that a lot, tokenism and being wheeled out to represent how diverse their school/workplace was with the only two other people of colour they managed to rustle up.

There is racism in big cities, what do you really expect in an area where there is one majority ethnicity?

It depends on the place you are moving to. I lived for a few months in two such areas and had very different experiences. I’m not saying it’s a guarantee factor but one was a lib dem area and I had no issues or different treatment, and the other was a Tory strong hold. The racism was casual, non aggressive and more often then not when they were talking about other people and I was deemed “accepted”. I would make it clear that I was one of them not one of “us” which made some of them think. Very much the kind of people who don’t think they are racist but will mention someone’s ethnicity if telling a story where someone is non white or say things like “the way they do” etc. I have also lived in a very large London commuter town which was the worse place I have suffered racism so we moved back to London.

Would you be willing to mention what part of the country?

I was SO cheered to see several hundred people protesting for BLM yesterday in our small rural SW market town. But the interviews with attendees who are people of colour all spoke of their experiences of racism locally, it is definitely an issue.

@LavenderLilacTree

Have you asked your family member, who lives in the area, for advice?

Not really relevant, is it? The family member is white.

**Have you asked your family member, who lives in the area, for advice?

Not really relevant, is it? The family member is white.**

So are some of the people on this thread??

@Sometimeswinning

Yes, so OP's question is perfectly valid. Not sure what your point is.

@cadent
Its not relevant asking family member who lives in town because they are white (according to you)

It is relevant to ask people who could be white and do not live in the town the same the question(according to you).

Not sure how you worked that one out I guess.

@Sometimes - you said 'some' are white on this thread, Ergo, some are not. Therefore OP's question Is perfectly valid as she will get a broader range of opinion than just asking her relative. Not sure why I have to spell this out.

We moved from a more diverse area to a less diverse area when DS1 was 2. (DC are mixed race).

We weighed up the pros and cons and our new area had more pros. When we looked around nurseries we put DS in the one where he wasn't the only non white DC but apart from that it's not something we really thought about.

Thank you, I'm really moved that anyone took the time to reply. I am generally feeling very emotional at the moment.

Thank you Wishingstarr MiddleClassProblem justdontatme RiverRush for very helpful thoughts. I and my extended family have had similar experiences to what you describe.

I hope you'll forgive the lack of geographical details. Its unexpected that this relative has become seriously ill at this time.

The death of George Floyd and BLM protests, conversations and articles etc has made me realise the question I'm asking on this thread is the one that's really eating away at me about the move. More than the very considerable pandemic issues. More than the care issues.

I wouldn't personally. I'm mixed race and was the only brown child in the small town I grew up in. It wasn't pleasant. I was bullied in nursery and primary school. Secondary school was better although I got nasty comments from teachers.
Can your relative move where you live?

@Cadent obviously because I didn't get your point and didn't consider it relevant. I still find your response vague at best. Just have to agree to disagree.

The relative needs help. Even if they are aware of any racial tension and any issues specifically among children, they’re likely to consciously or unconsciously downplay the situation. It’s human nature.

Thank you iano. Growing up I and my family experienced similar (what I now realise was) racism to what you describe. Initially in a diverse city later a conservative white town (worse).

Unfortunately it’s not possible for my relative to move. I’m considering trying to have a split life, tricky to organise but not necessarily impossible. Perhaps the way to avoid burning bridges.

By the way it’s not possible to discuss this with my relative as some posters have suggested, they are too ill. Also other posters are right in noticing I haven’t mentioned any details about my relative.

I am holding back huge amounts of complex personal information about the whole situation and apologise if this is frustrating. I ask that you understand why and take what I say at face value as far as you can.

I am really worried about my relative. They may make a partial or complete recovery or may be very unwell for a very long time.

Hi, if you have children and they are settled into schools/have friendships etc why move them to care for one person that is ill and needs support? Why not ask the ill person to move closer to you so that you can support them. If they don't want to move then your support is not their priority. If they lack the capacity to consent then you could work with social services/other family to make a decision in their best interests.

If the person doesn't want to move visit when you can and help orhanise care from afar. I have a ten year old settled in school (when it's not a pandemic) and a two year old, friends in my street, my inlaws locally. My parents aren't local. I care about them and would do what I can to help them. I would not be relocating my family from their lives to help them.

Could you tell us the general area then people may be able to point you towards more diverse schools/towns nearby.

I'd also consider moving relative

As a brown person I do take my ethnicity into account when living somewhere, especially as my son is also brown.

I grew up in Nottinghamshire when we moved to the UK, the town we lived in was very white, me and my siblings were the only non-white children at both my primary and secondary school. We were subjected to a lot of racist abuse, but having no one else who understood what we were going through made it much harder.

Hello, I am a white lady with mixed black African children. My Dh is from west Africa and comes from a good family background. We both live in the uk with our 4 children, almost 5. And we have lived in the same area pretty much all our marriage. We live in a diverse area. Quite a lot of blacks and asians. But majority is white. I feel anywhere could be racist of prejudice. Whether a big, thriving city like london or New York.
I have experienced racism and prejudice against myself as I am a white Muslim revert down south in the uk. But tbh the stares and nudges at my hijab are a water off a ducks back now. Before it used to get to me.but now I am used to it....
Look at london for example. So many different kinds of people from all ethnicities and backgrounds and cultures. Yet, people still get bullied and whatnot. Muslim women in London have had their headscarves ripped off. Black kids picked on. White kids picked on. Everywhere has their good and bad.
But saying that, we are moving towards the end of this year hopefully and I would want to move to a mixed area. I wouldn't mind just a bit of a mix with good schools and good shops. Whenever I visit a town that's 99% white my husband I do get stared at. He is very good looking so I would say most of the stares have to do with that. But there was one place in Surrey we were looking at moving. Probably only one black person and one Asian person in the whole town.

Thank you so much.

Unfortunately it really isn’t possible to consider moving my relative.

I’m so sorry not to have given more details, your questions are very reasonable.

Any possibility of paying a carer for support?

I don't think I'd move.