Relocating mixed race family

[CovoidanceMechanism]

I live in a city which is very ethnically mixed, we are a mixed race family. My child sees a lot of people with similar skin colour to themselves from a huge variety of backgrounds. Family structures are very diverse.

A family member who lives in a much more white and conservative town needs help because of a serious health problem. I've always liked their area but knew if we lived there my child might be almost the only non white person in their school.

WIBU to move?

Does your/your family's ethnicity influence your perspective?

As a white person I've heard more people around me make racists remarks when I lived in a big city (with 50% population of a foreign background, although not necessarily visibly so) than in the mostly white town that I live in now. Could just be the local culture of course.

Well without giving the vicinity of the area out how can anyone help?!!! It's different everywhere!!! Somewhere like Devon, Dorset etc no don't bother, but Midlands East Midlands etc fine.

I wouldn’t move to care for them, I would visit more. Moving house costs thousands discounting the mortgage/deposit. I would use that money to go up and down more often in a comfortable way. Uprooting 3 or 4+ for you to see 1 person more is an unreasonable upheaval especially if you fear it my lead your kids into more contact with racism.

I have mixed race children. It is a big concern. I share it too as we often think of moving outside London. We are in central London so obviously a very mixed area. I'd only move my children in the scenario you set out as a very last resort given they are settled where they are.

It’s so hard to guess what different areas will be like. You could maybe name change and start a new thread for advice about the area, including any thoughts on diversity?

Are there any areas that are closer to your relative but a bit more diverse?

We're mixed heritage. As a child, I've attended schools as the only non-white girl. It hasn't scarred me for life. If this relocation is necessary for your family circumstances, do it. I won't say there are no downsides. But, there are worse things in life than the constant, "Where do you really come from," questions and the lack of people who look more like you.

Depends.

Is your child male or female?

If your child is male I would be more careful where you move to.

We are a mixed family we wouldn't do that. I don't want my son to only have white friends and to be "other" - even if they are lovely I don't want his identity shaped like that.

But I appreciate you're in a very challenging situation, sorry if I missed it I haven't read the full thread, would it just be for a short amount of time?

I can’t tell you how helpful your comments are.

I will try to give more information but if it ends up being too revealing I hope MNHQ can remove the thread.

Some kind posters have assumed the relative is a single white elderly person, this is not at all the case. It is more similar to ‘imagine your sister with 2 young children got cancer’ NB this is a made up example to illustrate.

The area is more ‘Devon, Dorset’ than Midlands (thanks LolaDarkdestroyer )

Thank you for your very helpful perspectives AnnaSW1 and laudete. There would be upheaval and leaving some familiar things but your children sound much more ‘settled where they are’ than my child especially given the lockdown.

No I wouldn't. Is there anyone else who could help? What about arranging home help or trying to get other help through their local council? I would not relocate your family in this instance. Yes it does teach kids resilience living in an area where no one looks like you is not necessarily fun when you are trying to navigate all the ups and downs of childhood.

Could you go there for a while and see what it’s like? Schools are shut anyway so you could head down now and take till September to decide?

These things can be quite subtle. I am non-white and have a mixed race DC. We live in a very diverse area and I feel comfortably anonymous here. Lived in a posh white city for uni and though experience of direct racism was similar in both (very rare), I always felt uneasy there and was definitely viewed as Other. Wouldn't want DC to grow up in that atmosphere.

I’m mixed race and grew up in a majority white place, where I was one of only two non white people at school. I won’t lie and say it was all fine, but I made it out okay. There were some issues with racism, but the majority of kids were very kind, and the teachers were supportive, for the most part.

This was twenty years ago, so you may find things even better for your child, especially as most schools have lessons on diversity and things like that, which can lower the chance of bullying.

Talking to the teachers at schools you’re looking at, and finding out what plans they have in place in the event of bullying, and what they are doing to prevent it might reassure you a bit.

I was that mixed race child.
It was a 'nice' area, Teachers and pupils were racist to me (varying degrees of subtlety).
My white mother was probably given shit too - but she's not one to notice these sorts of things.
I wish I'd been able to grow up somewhere where I wasn't constantly reminded that I was 'foreign'.
I wasn't foreign, I was born in the UK, I am British but there was no way the people I grew up with would ever consider that.

In short, I don't think your vulnerable relatives needs trump your child's vulnerability.

A lot of white people refuse to believe how much racism there is in England....believe me, there's a whole heap of it.

It may not be as direct as bullying or racist comments. It can be little things like being stared at, politely challenged about being somewhere, followed by security in shops, having your ticket scrutinized while others are waved through. A pervasive sense that you stand out and don't quite belong, which can be damaging over time. It's particularly hard for teenagers who just want to fit in.

No, I would not move my mixed race children to a predominantly non-diverse area.

I've been subject to enough racism in my life in the UK, I have tried desperately hard to ensure my children won't suffer the same or similar.

Holiday-ing in non-diverse areas in the UK is enough for me, I get enough stares and remarks as it is. I would not want to be continuously "othered" if I had the choice.

Do not move your mixed race child to Devon/Dorset where they will be constantly othered, and possibly badly bullied throughout their entire existence. Being any darker than white in the UK is quite frankly an exhausting and dehumanising experience, and could quite possibly result in mental health issues if your child isn't resilient enough to brush it all off (through no fault of their own).

@DoraemonDingDong I hear you about the holidays. It's just so disappointing when it happens. It pretty much always does.

@DoraemonDingDong

No, I would not move my mixed race children to a predominantly non-diverse area.

I've been subject to enough racism in my life in the UK, I have tried desperately hard to ensure my children won't suffer the same or similar.

Holiday-ing in non-diverse areas in the UK is enough for me, I get enough stares and remarks as it is. I would not want to be continuously "othered" if I had the choice.

Yes, I made the mistake of taking my son to center parcs once, it was like being in Royston Vasey, but worse.

Weirdly we find Center Parcs fine.

As the parent of mixed race children I can say that they have never received racist abuse. America is not Britain. I’m not denying racism still exists here but it is extremely disingenuous for people to assume that the Floyd case has relevance here - no more so than abuse of Fijian Indians in Fiji or Muslims in China.

As someone who went from a predominantly ethnic primary, being the one of three BAME people in the whole primary school when we moved home when I was in year three. To a daily evenly mixed secondary and sixth form. I can tell you parents really should think hard before moving and just uprooting anywhere. Til this day I will not even go on holiday to certain countries, just because of safety concerns. I went to university in the Midlands and I genuinely thought have these people ever seen a BAME person before I got there. Maybe I'm too used to the London Metropolis, but there is strength and slightly more safety in numbers. Having said that, my experience of mixing has on the other hand given me a well rounded experience. I can say I'm very familiar with certain ethnicities habits, good and people, conscious and unconscious. But for your kids not to be psychologically damaged. They really must have a very strong sense of self and be firm in their own identity. No matter who their parents are. Teach them things, and so them what people in society are like from all races, good and bad. Unfortunate that you have to do that, but its the world we live in.

@Saturdaysnotforexercise I'm pleased for your children. I wouldn't say it's representative in my experience.

I'm white and my sisters are mixed race - same mum. Some places I've lived in such as west country and Wales they say they didn't feel comfortable staying too long never mind visiting.
Daughter in law chinese and said the north was horrible for her, she got called names all the time.
All now live in south east and feel much happier.