To be unreasonable about contraception?

[thetrolleywitch]

I know I am but it still annoys me. DH and I have two lovely, healthy children and are very lucky. I would like to try for a third, he is very definite that he doesn't want one. I think we have both polarised our positions out of stubbornness but that's where we are.

I can accept not having a third but am sick of taking responsibility for contraception. I have had some unpleasant experiences with the coil, the pill, the implant and using a diaphragm but have been responsible for the entire 15 years that we have been together (apart from when TTC!).

DH claims not to be able to climax using condoms, I don't love them either tbh. He doesn't want a vasectomy which on the one hand is totally understandable (and I don't really want or expect him to have one) but on the other hand, I have had invasive procedures in the quest for effective contraception and yet it is a total no no for him to do likewise.

He kind of suggested withdrawal but that annoys me because I have to track my cycle and stare at my ovulation time while actually quite wanting to be ttc. He had access to the app too but doesn't take responsibility for checking it.

It's not just him, I'm not sure what the solution is - I'm just annoyed generally that it is so much a female responsibility! Grr!

Does anyone have a solution?

The solution is he takes responsibility for his fertility. Honestly op stop doing any on it. He wants sex with a women who would be happy to have a baby he needs to take care of his sperm. While women always make sure they stay safe men don’t feel the need too.

Quite simple, condoms/vasectomy/abstinence/he keeps track of fertile days (not 100% without temping etc).

So he won’t use condoms, won’t have a vasectomy, won’t take responsibility for checking the cycle app, and yet he is the one who is against a third child? He does realise how reproduction works right?

Tell him very clearly and succinctly (not while actually having sex) that you will no longer be taking any steps towards contraception and that he is having sex with you in the full knowledge that you could conceive again.

Either he takes responsibility for himself and either has a vasectomy or pays attention to the tracking app, or he accepts that you might get pregnant. While he’s entitled to insist he doesn’t want another baby, he is not entitled to place the onus of ensuring it doesn’t happen on you.

Thank you! I honestly thought I was BU here. The vast majority of contraception puts the onus on women so I kind of felt like I'm just being a dick (pardon the pun!)

Your remaining options seem to be condoms or vasectomy. I also agree women shouldn’t be ‘forced’ to bear the responsibility for contraception. The pull out method isn’t great for avoiding unplanned pregnancies, he should be able to compromise on a non-hormonal type of contraception. If he is adamant he doesn’t want another he should have to deal with the consequences of that decision.

I think @zscaler put it much more succinctly than I did

He suggested withdrawal method but doesn't want a third child? That's such an unreliable method. Would he be insisting on a termination if it failed?

Seriously, tell him you're done after 15 years of hormones being pumped into you and invasive procedures. It's his turn to take responsibility otherwise you'll be insisting on the abstinence method.

Do you still get femidoms? I remember them being out when I was a teen

Tell him there is another option, but ask him does he really want to go without sex?

If it's a definite no then he needs to consider a vasectomy or condoms, so what if he can't climax he will have to finish himself off won't he. This is his burden now, you've carried it for 15 years it's time for him to take responsibility. Also totally unfair to expect you to measure and check cycle all the time when you very much want a child.

A properly fitting condom should cause no issues with climax.

Has he tried wider/longer/shorter/narrower condoms?

Another one who doesn’t think you are BU

I don’t like hormonal methods, my partner doesn’t like condoms. Neither of us wants a baby right now but might in future.

We use condoms but use the ones that work best for him, he chooses and gets them. He understands that asking me to be on hormones constantly is a big ask. They have failed before and on that occasion I will take hormonal methods as a one off.

YANBU at all. Let him sort out contraception if he's the one that doesn't want another child.

I decided a few months ago that I was sick pumping my body full of hormones and stopped taking the pill. I refuse to have the implant or coil fitted. I told dp that either we use condoms or he has a vasectomy. He made a bit of a fuss but eventually bought condoms. It was either that or no sex.

I'd go along with withdrawal but make it clear to him that you won't be doing any tracking so there is a high chance you'll end up with a third child.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Hormonal contraception is a pain, and the sole reason you are dealing with it is for him. Might be controversial, but after you coped with coil/implant insertion and carrying two children, all of which only benefited him, I really think he could be more flexible about vasectomy. Like a pp said, I would very clearly tell him you will not be supervising contraception anymore so if he doesn't want a third child he needs to take responsibility for ensuring it doesn't happen.

You're not being unreasonable at all. I've had three babies in the last five years, all planned, but I am done. Prior to that I spent nearly 20 years, including my entire relationship with DH, on some form of hormonal contraceptives. Nothing agreed with me and the whole thing was a headache.

We have both said no more babies, but I've also said I am no longer going to be responsible for contraception beyond condoms. I've done my bit and more in the family planning department of our family, so it's over to DH. He's ok with that and it's condoms for now until he can get a vasectomy (Covid has delayed that).

Your DH needs to commit to his own contraception if he doesn't want a baby. Tell him you're not using any and are happy if you get pregnant, so if he doesn't want that then it's up to him,

Of course yanbu. You want a baby, he doesn't. He sorts the contraception. I'd make it very very clear that should you fall pregnant, you will not be getting a termination. Nor will you be taking the MAP if he uses nothing then panics the next day. I'd lay all these cards fully on the table and then it's up to him.

I agree with you. I’ve also stopped taking responsibility for contraception now we’re done having kids. So he buys condoms and has spoken with vasectomy clinic. 20 years of thinking about contraception and I got fed up with it and the side effects.

He kind of suggested withdrawal

So he does want another child.

I'm with you op. All the invasive stuff that women deal with. He has to find the solution for this one.

Vasectomy or condoms! That’s his only options.

I stopped birth control 5 years ago At 25 - After 10 years of migraines, not feeling myself, horrible mood swings, weight gain -

We switched to condoms - not ideal but my partner is happier I’m not suffering anymore ! And we’ve gotten used to using condoms - it’s fine!

We’ve stopped now as ttc - but will probably use them in future!

Don’t back down on this!

Yanbu

OneForMeToo nails it. Just that. You stop making this your problem or looking for solutions, he's not. 'I'm not taking any more responsibility for contraception and I'm not having a termination if I become pregnant again.' And then you walk the walk.

And NO 'solutions' that involve you taking responsibility, such as coils or implants or your having yourself sterilised, etc.