To be unreasonable about contraception?

[thetrolleywitch]

I know I am but it still annoys me. DH and I have two lovely, healthy children and are very lucky. I would like to try for a third, he is very definite that he doesn't want one. I think we have both polarised our positions out of stubbornness but that's where we are.

I can accept not having a third but am sick of taking responsibility for contraception. I have had some unpleasant experiences with the coil, the pill, the implant and using a diaphragm but have been responsible for the entire 15 years that we have been together (apart from when TTC!).

DH claims not to be able to climax using condoms, I don't love them either tbh. He doesn't want a vasectomy which on the one hand is totally understandable (and I don't really want or expect him to have one) but on the other hand, I have had invasive procedures in the quest for effective contraception and yet it is a total no no for him to do likewise.

He kind of suggested withdrawal but that annoys me because I have to track my cycle and stare at my ovulation time while actually quite wanting to be ttc. He had access to the app too but doesn't take responsibility for checking it.

It's not just him, I'm not sure what the solution is - I'm just annoyed generally that it is so much a female responsibility! Grr!

Does anyone have a solution?

There is also the niggling thought that it could happen by accident (unreliable withdrawal method) and he would 'blame' me because he knows I want another!

Then you need to make it clear to him, if there is another pregnancy I am not terminating and I am not 100% responsible.

I wouldn't 'discuss options' with him for you both because he will latch onto the first one that involves you taking on the bulk of the responsibility and then blame you if/when it fails.

He can be the one to find condoms that fit, your taking over that for him is again taking control the contraception.

Women can and do get sterilised, I mean why not?

He has three options doesn't he?

Condoms
Vasectomy
Abstinence

It's up to him which of those he chooses.

Women can and do get sterilised, I mean why not?

Because she doesn't want to? It's also a more invasive procedure, it's more expensive and it's not funded by quite a few NHS trusts anymore for this reason.

He's the one who doesn't want any more children, ever, not her.

You have a selfish husband problem OP. You have been in charge of contraception for years, it’s time he did his bit. I fully believe any man who is done having children should have the snip. It saves the pain of men who end up ‘trapped’ () by pesky women and demand they abort for starters.

Female sterilisation is far more invasive and lets face it, women have to deal with a lot of shit as it is without adding that to the pile. A vasectomy is the least a man can do really.

Why would someone who would like a baby get sterilised. He doesn’t want a baby so it’s his responsibility To make sure his sperm doesn’t go fertilising any eggs.

It always confuses me when women say they don’t like condoms. Why? They don’t make any difference for me.
DP isn’t a fan of them either, but he’s seen the struggles I’ve had with contraception and the effects hormones have on my mental health so he uses them. He’ll get a vasectomy eventually (his choice) because he doesn’t want children.
Your DP is being unreasonable, not you.

I 100% would not rely upon the withdrawal method but that’s because I am certain that I do not want to get pregnant. I think it’s a method that works very well for many people but not if there is no allowance for a pregnancy.

I would tell him that he either uses a condom, has a vasectomy, abstains or else takes full responsibly for the withdrawal method. Remember though that if you aren’t on contraception, men are designed to find you most attractive when you are at your most fertile/ovulating.

It always confuses me when women say they don’t like condoms. Why? They don’t make any difference for me.

I find they make me sore and it's really uncomfortable. In our house it's me that doesn't want to use them, not my dh.

well, somebody will have to do something - and that something is not withdrawal. What are you, 17 year olds?

it's not really a matter of 'who is responsible' as biology isn't fair like that. But if you've had problems with all the methods open to you then you've got a good reason to say 'enough'.

meantime knees together.

He's got no right to expect that you quadruple your risk of stroke on the Pill or endure the agony of coil insertion just so that he can bareback. He can get the snip or learn to wrap it.

To the PP who wondered why a woman would hand contraceptive responsibility to her husband: those negative consequences to her are why!

Hooves Have you tried latex-free condoms? I realised that the pain I was getting was an allergic reaction.

Of course yanbu. You want a baby, he doesn't. He sorts the contraception. I'd make it very very clear that should you fall pregnant, you will not be getting a termination. Nor will you be taking the MAP if he uses nothing then panics the next day. I'd lay all these cards fully on the table and then it's up to him.

I pretty much had this with my first DH. The pill made me feel awful, and had tried other methods in an earlier relationship that I didn't like/get on with.

Then I had to deal with this:

There is also the niggling thought that it could happen by accident (unreliable withdrawal method) and he would 'blame' me because he knows I want another!

He told me it would be my fault if I got pregnant. So I refused sex. He wouldn't wear condoms cause he 'was too big' for them. 🙄 His own brother demonstrated this was bollocks by putting one over his hand/arm up to his elbow! 😆

He went for a vasectomy in the end and caught an infection and ended up with a bollock the size of a large orange. (Not meaning to derail the thread but I had my third baby with 2nd DH 😁)

Hooves Have you tried latex-free condoms? I realised that the pain I was getting was an allergic reaction.

Yeah, we did try them but still had a similar effect. I know I sound like a man but I much prefer it without. That's totally on me though, no pressure from dh.

I prefer without condoms too, it's partly the feeling and partly the stopping to put it on is a bit of a turn of for me. I could live with that though!

It's so tricky isn't it?! I'm really glad it's not just me though. It's not something that I can talk to friends about so it really has felt like I'm just being a bit dramatic about it.

Time (MORE than time) for him to step up and take contraceptive responsibility If he doesn't want any more children.

Also get HIM to google how (un)reliable the pullout method is vs condom vs vasectomy...