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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be unreasonable about contraception?

65 replies

thetrolleywitch · 03/06/2020 18:59

I know I am but it still annoys me. DH and I have two lovely, healthy children and are very lucky. I would like to try for a third, he is very definite that he doesn't want one. I think we have both polarised our positions out of stubbornness but that's where we are.

I can accept not having a third but am sick of taking responsibility for contraception. I have had some unpleasant experiences with the coil, the pill, the implant and using a diaphragm but have been responsible for the entire 15 years that we have been together (apart from when TTC!).

DH claims not to be able to climax using condoms, I don't love them either tbh. He doesn't want a vasectomy which on the one hand is totally understandable (and I don't really want or expect him to have one) but on the other hand, I have had invasive procedures in the quest for effective contraception and yet it is a total no no for him to do likewise.

He kind of suggested withdrawal but that annoys me because I have to track my cycle and stare at my ovulation time while actually quite wanting to be ttc. He had access to the app too but doesn't take responsibility for checking it.

It's not just him, I'm not sure what the solution is - I'm just annoyed generally that it is so much a female responsibility! Grr!

Does anyone have a solution?

OP posts:
TinyPigeon · 03/06/2020 19:49

This situation is how I have my second child Smile although my husband wasn't a hard no, just a not yet. Buy some condoms I told him!

I feel that putting my body through pregnancy and childbirth, breastfeeding, night wakings, I get to sit out contraception now. Although this time I have bought the condoms!

WeAllHaveWings · 03/06/2020 19:50

@countrygirl99

Tell him there is another option, but ask him does he really want to go without sex?
^ This

you both have a responsibility to ensure a child is not born to a parent that doesn't want it.

catsjammies · 03/06/2020 19:54

You are absolutely not BU here. At all.

Aveisenim · 03/06/2020 20:06

Nope. YANBU. I'd like another baby, my DP doesn't. He's responsible for contraception as I hate hormonal contraception (it fucks with the anxiety/depression I have) and don't want an invasive procedure.

supersop60 · 03/06/2020 20:08

I agree with pp. He doesn't want a baby so he deals with contraception. You've done your bit.

Waveysnail · 03/06/2020 20:08

Condoms or he gets a vasectomy. Tell him you wont be getting morning after pill or an abortion is you do fall pregnant.

HellloBambinos · 03/06/2020 21:07

What about making him download a menstrual cycle tracking app? Then you can just tell him when your period starts and he can do all the scheduling/tracking.

I personally don't get why some women don't like being the one responsible for contraception. It's our bodies that would have to go through a pregnancy if it happened, I'd far rather be the one controlling that side of things.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2020 21:17

Of course YANBU at all. He’s being bang out of order making this your problem.

If you got pregnant - highly likely using withdrawal which is not contraception - would he expect you to take the MAP or have an abortion? What discussions have you had about this stuff?

We use condoms. After DD was born I didn’t want to go back on the pill and DH is thinking strongly about a vasectomy but isn’t 100% there yet. There are loads of types of condoms and if he has issues with them (when did you last try...?) it’s up to him to shop around and find some that works for him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2020 21:18

I personally don't get why some women don't like being the one responsible for contraception. It's our bodies that would have to go through a pregnancy

Did you miss the bit where OP said she wants another child?

HellloBambinos · 03/06/2020 21:30

@AnneLovesGilbert no I didn't miss it, at the end of the post the OP said she was generally annoyed that it was a female responsibility, I was replying to that bit. To me it's about bodily autonomy more than fairness but might just be me.

jay55 · 03/06/2020 21:38

So lots of women don't climax from penetrative sex. He could orgasm outside you and the condom afterwards.

caramelbun · 03/06/2020 21:51

YANBU

I have put up with some shitty side effects of contraception during “the best years of my life”. It is a long long time.

My compromise would be the diaphragm. Fiddly and not a great success rate but no hormonal side effects. Or he can get a vasectomy if he would prefer and that’d solve the problem.

I feel your pain op.

FluffytheGoldfish · 03/06/2020 21:53

So let's be clear his choice is to forgo climaxing by using withdrawal, which is an extremely risky form of contraception, instead of using condoms, a safe form of contraception, because it affects his ability to climax...

BabyDancer · 03/06/2020 21:58

I agree with PPs, stop taking responsibility for contraception and let him step up to the plate. I've been with my DH for 12 years and we've always used condoms. I don't like the idea of contraceptive pills. DH isn't getting any unless he uses a condom/we're TTC/I'm pregnant.

TacosTuesday · 03/06/2020 22:10

Well yes it would be reasonable for him to take responsibility...but still think it would be pretty unreasonable for you to get pregnant by stealth-how anti a 3rd child is he? You need to make it really clear and explicit that as you'd quite like a 3rd baby then contraception is over to him now. If he's really anti then will you abstain from sex or just let nature take it's course?

tillytown · 03/06/2020 22:48

How would she be getting pregnant by stealth? He isn't an idiot, I'm sure he knows how babies are made, and that not wearing a condom might result in a pregnancy

Original poster
thetrolleywitch · 03/06/2020 23:06

Just to clarify, I would like to have another child but I'm ok with not having one if he is strongly against it- I definitely have no intention of tricking him into it! It's just that I draw the line at him being the one to feel strongly that way and time to have to take responsibility for making sure it doesn't happen.

There is also the niggling thought that it could happen by accident (unreliable withdrawal method) and he would 'blame' me because he knows I want another!

OP posts:
Lockheart · 03/06/2020 23:10

In the context of a relationship, it's unhelpful to frame contraception as one partner's issue to solve. A contraception failure is something which could have a huge impact on your relationship and so you both need to be in agreement and comfortable with whatever method you choose, otherwise a healthy sex life will become impossible. The alternative is total abstinence, which will not likely work wonders for your relationship.

No-one should have to wear / take / do anything they don't want to when it comes to their own bodies.

You need to communicate with each other about what you want / don't want and discuss how you can make that work. Research your options together. Neither of you conceding an inch through stubbornness will not solve the problem.

There may be a compromise to be reached where you alternate barrier methods such as condoms / femidoms / sponges / caps / diaphragms.

If your DH has a problem with condoms usually I'd recommend trying different brands, styles, and sizes. Most men can wear condoms without problems, but then most men will also just grab the nearest pack of Durex from Superdrug, which is a bit like just grabbing the first bra you see and hoping it fits. Do your research and try some different ones.

Original poster
thetrolleywitch · 03/06/2020 23:28

@Lockheart - that is very sensible advice (and much more grown up than my attitude!).

I think this has just become something where I feel like I've explained why I don't want to take full responsibility, he's agreed and then just looked for problems rather than solutions. Nothing has happened so I've picked up the responsibility again, then I've got annoyed about it again and so on and so on ad infinitum!

I will attempt a grown up discussion when I am not so annoyed about it and then stick to my guns as advised by 99% of PP!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 03/06/2020 23:33

A vasectomy seems sensible. Is he against because omg, manliness reduced?! Or in case he leaves you and wants dc with a new person? Seriously, what are his reasons when usually (I know there are exceptions and someone I know just got pregnant because the vasectomy failed, despite negative tests) it’s reasonably straightforward? He’d rather you were in charge of contraception because why? It’s the woman’s job? Come on!

Lockheart · 03/06/2020 23:49

@thetrolleywitch perhaps it may help to show him this: www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/condom-size-chart

There is a huge amount of information out there about how to find the right condom for you. I would guess, assuming he's British, that his experience has probably been limited to Durex ones. But there is an incredible variety available once you start looking, and most men who complain that condoms hurt or don't feel good simply aren't wearing the right ones.

Original poster
thetrolleywitch · 03/06/2020 23:49

I don't really know exactly why he's so against a vasectomy. Fundamentally I think he's just squeamish about it but I find that a bit insulting after everything that I have done re: pregnancy/birth/ contraception.

OP posts:
LunaMuffinTop · 03/06/2020 23:52

Tell him that your no longer taking responsibility for contraption and refuse to have sex with him until he sorts something out so if that means no sex for a while then that’s on him. His options are vasectomy, 3rd child or no sex. You’ve got through all the pain and fertility procedures so that you could have your 2 DC it’s his turn to step up and take responsibility for something and act like a grown man he doesn’t want a 3rd DC so he needs to come up with a solution not you.

Original poster
thetrolleywitch · 03/06/2020 23:52

Oops sorry, that was to @Cherrysoup

@Lockheart - stop being so sensible and constructive, youre spoiling my self righteous anger Wink Seriously though, that is really helpful- I had no idea there is such a range and that there are different fits!

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 04/06/2020 10:42

but then most men will also just grab the nearest pack of Durex from Superdrug, which is a bit like just grabbing the first bra you see and hoping it fits

Not strictly true... Don't they all look at the sizes and just go for the biggest? Grin

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