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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not give a lift to take 3 year old relative to hospital.

89 replies

GetATaxi · 03/06/2020 16:46

My niece was in hospital on Monday night they originally suspected Covid but it turned out to be a water infection.

My sister has rung the doctor back because my niece has only passed urine twice since and they have told her to take her back to the hospital. She also has another younger child.

She rang me to ask for a lift to the hospital which I said yes to. Her supposed ex was going to look after their younger child. I say supposed because I am fairly sure they are actually a couple and she is just lying.

She then text me and said actually she is going to stay home with younger child so can I give supposed Ex a lift instead with my niece.

I said no. I gave her money for a taxi instead so didn't leave them with no way of getting to the hospital. I still enabled them to get there.

My reason for saying no is that her supposed ex is massively abusive, mainly to her but it has spilled over to the rest of the family.

He has locked me in his house, pushed me up against a wall, spat at me, told my own abusive ex my new address after I moved to escape him, tried to have me arrested for assaulting him (whilst I was locked in his house so no way I could be assaulting him). Dropped the babies on my doorstep and left before I even answered the door. Stolen from me, several times including a very expensive bike.

She won't leave him (she said she has at the weekend but I know she is lying) but I have told her I won't have anything to do with him after everything he has done (there is more but all of the same kind of stuff).

But having said that, my niece is ill. Possibly seriously ill and I feel like I should have been the bigger person.

So YABU - what the hell is wrong with you, you should have driven them.

YANBU - giving them money for a taxi is fine under the circumstances.

I feel sick with guilt, not helped when she had a go at me and said she can't believe I would be like this.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 03/06/2020 18:08

Extremely abusive man, child with turns out to have a UTI and the abusive man insists on being the one to take her to the hospital.

Am I the only one who immediately thought he is trying to cover up sexual abuse of the child?

FizzyGreenWater · 03/06/2020 18:09

Report the fake texts too. Every single time.

GetATaxi · 03/06/2020 18:09

Thanks, I have been working a lot on maintaining my boundaries in my own life and relationships, it just so helps that I can extend it.

Our own mother left us very damaged girls, all 4 of us have been in at least one abusive relationship. I dont want us passing that down to the next generation but it seems in my nieces case it will be inevitable.

OP posts:
highmarkingsnowbile · 03/06/2020 18:09

You did the right thing! Please report them again.

strugglingwithdeciding · 03/06/2020 18:11

Understandable and you generously paid for the taxi so it's not like they were left with no way to get there

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 03/06/2020 18:13

No Tork, you aren't. Sadly.

OliviaBenson · 03/06/2020 18:17

I'd actually give the hospital ward a call and explain that the father is preventing the mother coming in and that they are known to social service and the police. That might be another avenue to get her some support.

GetATaxi · 03/06/2020 18:20

I doubt there is anything like that going on. He is not a hands on dad at all, she isnt even allowed to have a shower unless the kids are in bed. My niece sleeps with my sister and he sleeps separately.

He is so rarely left alone with them precisely because he does nothing for them.

But actually he was left alone with them on Saturday. After he took all her money she came round here to cool down. I made the report to the police and she had a call from the domestic abuse team on Monday day time. Niece was ill on Monday night hence her allowing him back into the family home.

I feel sick thinking it but i suppose he had his very rare opportunity.

I hate to think it and I am fairly sure even he wouldn't stoop so low but there is that doubt.

Its got to be unlikely though. Where would I even go with this.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/06/2020 18:23

UTIs can often be associated with sexual abuse. God forbid that this has happened - but it might be why your sister's ex insisted on going to hospital with your niece - so he could cover up/explain away anything that aroused suspicion.

It this a possibility?

TorkTorkBam · 03/06/2020 18:23

The man who does nothing suddenly decided to be the caring hospital helper?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/06/2020 18:24

Sorry - I've cross-posted with someone , it appears, on this possibility.

thethoughtfox · 03/06/2020 18:25

Stop giving her money. It is protecting her from feeling the consequences of his actions. If she is left with no money or food because he has taken it and you and your family won't supplement it, she will be forced to do something about her situation.

GetATaxi · 03/06/2020 18:27

I couldnt leave a 3 year old unable to get to hospital. My sister is an idiot but I cant make an innocent baby pay for her mothers weakness.

OP posts:
RhubarbJelly · 03/06/2020 18:29

Can she set up another bank account that he does not know about or have access to?

TorkTorkBam · 03/06/2020 18:29

Call Social Services now.

Your sister will lie for the boyfriend. She will not tell them he was alone with the child.

My DH is lovely but when the children needed to go to hospital they wanted mummy to take them. I can't even imagine sending an abusive fella they barely see normally with a 3 yo when mum could have gone.

Call SS and tell them. They need to intervene fast even if he hasn't started on the kid.

LouHotel · 03/06/2020 18:30

I think it’s inevitable that if her first child was removed from her due To not being able to protect them (in that instance from drug abuse) then it’s only a matter of time before her youngest two are taken - your sister needs serious intervention but I think you’ve done all you can.

I don’t agree with not financially assisting her but it should be a way that doesn’t allow him access to the money, if she started a new bank account would she immediately share the information with him?

GetATaxi · 03/06/2020 18:31

My head is spinning with the suggestion if abuse and more so because it does make sense.

I am going to stop posting now because obviously this takes a whole new turn, but believe me I will speak to social services about it.

I was abused as a child and people knew and no one helped me. I wont let my nueve go through that.

Hopefully it is not that and I am sure its not, but I think it's worth social services looking into it.

Thanks for all the support, genuinely means the world.

OP posts:
LouHotel · 03/06/2020 18:32

Has he definitely taking the DD to the hospital? He wouldn’t withhold medical treatment to punish your sister?

TorkTorkBam · 03/06/2020 18:32

He took £600 out of her account on Friday and Saturday
But he couldn't afford a taxi yesterday? He had £600. How expensive was the taxi?

LouLouLoo · 03/06/2020 18:34

Can you not call the hospital and speak to the ward in the interim? It is concerning he stopped your sister from going, especially when he is not an involved parent usually.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 03/06/2020 18:38

Thank goodness your sister and DNs have you in their corner OP x

sonjadog · 03/06/2020 18:38

Sexual abuse wasn't obvious to me but now posters have pointed it out, and looking at the timings and his sudden interest in parenting, it does seem like a possible explanation for what is going on now. I am afraid you will have to make some difficult calls.

Tappering · 03/06/2020 18:41

Notify SS again that he's there.

You did the right thing with the taxi - prepay it next time. That way you know that it's definitely not ending up in his pocket.

In terms of responding to her text - all you can do is be firm and fair. We've talked about this and I have made it clear I won't have anything to do with him because of his violent behaviour. I've helped by paying for a taxi so that she can get to the hospital. Hope that she is OK

GetATaxi · 03/06/2020 18:45

I have spoke to my sister, they have both gone to the hospital, not sure where youger child is.

OP posts:
pumpkintree · 03/06/2020 18:51

If she was that worried she would have taken her with you or already phone a taxi. You did more than most would do after what he has done to you. They are her parents and they are responsible for their child!