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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not give a lift to take 3 year old relative to hospital.

89 replies

GetATaxi · 03/06/2020 16:46

My niece was in hospital on Monday night they originally suspected Covid but it turned out to be a water infection.

My sister has rung the doctor back because my niece has only passed urine twice since and they have told her to take her back to the hospital. She also has another younger child.

She rang me to ask for a lift to the hospital which I said yes to. Her supposed ex was going to look after their younger child. I say supposed because I am fairly sure they are actually a couple and she is just lying.

She then text me and said actually she is going to stay home with younger child so can I give supposed Ex a lift instead with my niece.

I said no. I gave her money for a taxi instead so didn't leave them with no way of getting to the hospital. I still enabled them to get there.

My reason for saying no is that her supposed ex is massively abusive, mainly to her but it has spilled over to the rest of the family.

He has locked me in his house, pushed me up against a wall, spat at me, told my own abusive ex my new address after I moved to escape him, tried to have me arrested for assaulting him (whilst I was locked in his house so no way I could be assaulting him). Dropped the babies on my doorstep and left before I even answered the door. Stolen from me, several times including a very expensive bike.

She won't leave him (she said she has at the weekend but I know she is lying) but I have told her I won't have anything to do with him after everything he has done (there is more but all of the same kind of stuff).

But having said that, my niece is ill. Possibly seriously ill and I feel like I should have been the bigger person.

So YABU - what the hell is wrong with you, you should have driven them.

YANBU - giving them money for a taxi is fine under the circumstances.

I feel sick with guilt, not helped when she had a go at me and said she can't believe I would be like this.

OP posts:
ButteryPuffin · 03/06/2020 17:23

OP made it possible for the child to get to hospital. If there was any remaining issue that came from the child's parents.

Pugsrus · 03/06/2020 17:25

They are not your responsibility
You did more than enough,over and above is the term

Dontbeme · 03/06/2020 17:27

You did the right thing OP, you helped your niece to get to hospital and shown that you have strong boundaries and will not be in the same space as this abusive man. The next time I would not offer cash for a taxi, I would prepay for a cab though. I wouldn't trust that he would spend the money on a taxi for DC.

MyOwnSummer · 03/06/2020 17:30

I'm confused - why can twatty ex not drive her there himself, or pay for his own taxi?!

GetATaxi · 03/06/2020 17:30

I didnt even think about pre paying, I will keep it in mind next time though.

Thank you all so much. It should be blindingly obviously shouldn't it that I was OK to do what I did but when its a sick child all logic goes out of the window.

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 03/06/2020 17:31

Giving them taxi money is more than I would have done

GetATaxi · 03/06/2020 17:32

Neither of them drive, nor did they have any money. I had to give her money to top up her phone on Monday so she could keep in touch from the hospital.

He took £600 out of her account on Friday and Saturday leaving her with nothing for the rest of the month. (She has food and electric etc)

OP posts:
Tiletiletile1 · 03/06/2020 17:34

He sounds utterly vile. You did the right thing. And very kind of you to pay their taxi.

HauntedGoatFart · 03/06/2020 17:35

I was prepared to say YABU based on the headline because I thought it would be some "what if one of them has Covid" thing. But when I actually read your post, YANBU at all. You did the right thing and acted for both niece and yourself. Well done. As PP say prepaying for a taxi next time would help ensure the money actually goes where it's supposed to, but that's a minor point.

Pat yourself on the back.

Prettybubblesintheair · 03/06/2020 17:37

I think you did the right thing but can she definitely get to the money? Just if he’s abusive and has access to it too (a lot of abusers have access to bank accounts, hold the bank cards etc) I’d want to make sure she actually got the money so was able to get her daughter to hospital.

Other than that I think you were not unreasonable. When I was in an abusive relationship my family did all they could for me whilst refusing to engage with him at all. They supported me but not my relationship with him which is what I think you’ve conveyed to your dsis.

Merigoround · 03/06/2020 17:44

Well done for finding an alternative to putting yourself in danger.
I cant understand your sister telling you off for not taking him though. She knows what youve had to put up with him and yet she still thinks you should kow tow to him?

What a nightmare it is for you all .And even more so for your sister who it seems is so abused by him that she cant make judgements any more.
I hope your family strength overcomes his vileness.

Coka · 03/06/2020 17:44

I would also be worried that he will take the money. Please check your niece is ok and made it to the hospital, sounds like a horrible situation and you are a good person, but no one is looking after that poor girl just now. You should also report to social services that you believe that they are back together

GetATaxi · 03/06/2020 17:45

I am fairly sure she would have the money, he is a horror but i think even she wouldn't accept him not allowing her daughter to get medical help. I put it into her account which he does have access to but I am fairly confident that niece will get to the hospital.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/06/2020 17:45

I would go back to social services and report him again - he's not acting in the child's interests at all. If only you could choose who got this virus...

MintyCedric · 03/06/2020 17:46

Came on totally prepared to say you were BU but you are sooo not.

What on earth is your sister thinking ffs?!

GetATaxi · 03/06/2020 17:49

Social services had no problem with them being together although they will definitely be getting involved again now there have been additional police interventions.

The thing is, if he is abusive to her and not the children, and she says they don't witness anything, social services aren't going to do much. He is very charming as many abusers are and an excellent manipulator.

The police have seen through him and you would expect social services to as well given they mist see it day in day out but so far they seem to be under his deception too.

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 03/06/2020 17:50

I too was thinking YABU based on the title but actually reading your post, omg, what a knob, you are totally right to not put yourself in the car with him after what happened. Did you order the taxi on an app, so can see when he has left the house? If so, I'd ring your sister when he is out and try to calmly talk to her. As you say, it's important that you don't allow him to isolate her.

GetATaxi · 03/06/2020 17:52

@HollowTalk trust me if I got CV-19 I would go straight round there and lick his face. He is hugely over weight so wouldn't fancy his chances.

We have talked to her till we are blue in the face, her family, her friends, there is literally nothing we haven't said.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/06/2020 17:56

Maybe when they end up taking her children away from her because of his abuse, she'll realise how serious it is. I'd be so angry with her.

Carriemac · 03/06/2020 17:59

can you raise concerns with the hospital? is he the Childs father?

GetATaxi · 03/06/2020 17:59

This is my strongest argument but she is scared they will believe him and let him keep them.

He sends texts to all the family saying, Tell your sister to come home, I am sick of her leaving us to to get wrecked. Whilst she is lay on bed next to him.
She has previously lost a child due to drug abuse so he knows he is laying his pathing stones to make her look like she has slipped again.

She has joint access to the child again now and no issues with her parenting if the two babies bit its the fear in her that he uses as his main method of control.

OP posts:
Blackbear19 · 03/06/2020 18:04

Reading the title I was thinking YABU but no you did the right thing.

MumInBrussels · 03/06/2020 18:07

You did the right thing, please don't feel guilty. I'm sorry your sister is in such a horrible situation, but that doesn't mean you need to subject yourself to further abuse.

You found a way for your niece to get to hospital, you helped just as much as if you'd driven them, and you protected yourself too. Not everyone would have done so well - you should be proud of yourself for finding a good way through a painful and complicated situation!

FizzyGreenWater · 03/06/2020 18:07

Report this to SS - that she wanted to go with her child but he's prevented her. And that you suspect that they still live together.
Report report report.

CoronaMoaner · 03/06/2020 18:08

You’re a better person then I am OP.
Agree with the other comments. You maintained your boundaries. You gave them a way of getting the child to hospital and showed your sister you won’t let that man control you.
Well done OP.