Why was I BU? Race related.

[asixthofafathom]

I know I was BU and I am sorry about it, but I don't understand.

I have a black friend who is really articulate and passionate and posts a lot on social media about race - the perfect person, I thought, to ask what to read and what not to read at the moment, so as to avoid stuff that is inaccurate and offensive and hear only the authentic voice of those being oppressed.

She went ballistic and unfriended me, then proceeded to rant publicly about how offensive, selfish and insensitive my request was. Her friends chimed in and started calling me names.

I accept that I was wrong. I know it was poor timing, she doesn't owe me anything and it's not her job to educate me. But I genuinely just wanted to learn and understand and show willingness to listen rather than just assume that I understand an experience that I don't share.

Why was I so wrong to ask? Please don't bite my head off (unless I deserve it), I genuinely meant well and was trying to show respect, and now I feel awful.

[flabbyflabbyflabguts]

Yes yabu

[Myohmy111]

babyitsawildworld. I agree with you completely.
There’s a reason to be angry for sure but not towards the white friends who have a genuine interest in doing and being better. However, her rage towards the OP may be as a result of the collateral damage of racism.

[flabbyflabbyflabguts]

I would find it shocking that until now you've never realised that black people are treated this way. As if you've been asleep,all these years, as if you have no information at your finger tips. So now you expect to be educated, why?
Do you want to just look like another sympathetic white person on social media? Do you truly not understand the situation, do you not have a basic gut reaction?

[Mucklowe]

Bait.

[StopMurderingUs]

YABVU

Some reading that may be helpful if you genuinely want to know why she was upset

medium.com/@realtalkwocandallies/white-people-stop-asking-us-to-educate-you-about-racism-69273d39d828

We are tired, we have the mental load of dealing with this everyday, unpacking it for ourselves and our children and families.

[flabbyflabbyflabguts]

It's as if, from your position of white privilege, you won't see it or believe it until you have had it all proven to you.

[Janaih]

@BrainFart it's not OPs friend's hobby it's her actual life. Pretty sure nobody has experienced police brutality at book club.

[OwlBeThere]

Well, all I can say is if a friend of mine care to me with questions about my experience, I would either answer the question, or if I wasn’t emotionally or mentally In a place to answer I’d say that.
Blocking you then having a go on SM is pathetic.

[Cam77]

Guess I’m in the minority here but I don’t think the OP did anything wrong at all. Has her black friend been wronged by this episode and by the racism of society? Of course. But that doesn’t mean every action she takes in relation to that wrong is right. Disagree with her by all means and correct her in a civil manner, but publically humiliating people who are trying to do the right thing. No thanks.

[viques]

If you have a friend who is articulate and passionate and posts a lot on social media then surely a good place to start would be reading her posts and following up any links she posts positively about.

[zscaler]

Are people really so helpless that they can’t research information for themselves without needing their hand held by someone going through a hard time?

Look at it this way - I find it exhausting and emotionally draining when men demand that I provide them with resources to help them understand sexism when those resources are easily accessible for anyone with google and a modicum of good faith.

You wouldn’t ask a woman who had just lost a baby to point you in the direction of resources to help you sensitively engage with people about baby loss.

You wouldn’t ask someone who had just lost a parent to provide you with resources about dealing with grief.

You wouldn’t ask someone with cancer to give you a list of resources for supporting someone with cancer.

If you can understand why it’s insensitive and selfish to do any of the above examples, you should be capable of understanding why it’s insensitive and selfish to ask black people to educate you about racism, particularly in the heat of a significant crisis.

[GrandAltogetherSo]

YANBU.

Your ‘friend’ was not a real friend, but is part of a bigger problem.

To be nasty, un-friend you and then use you for ‘likes’ on social media is pretty shitty. But to allow others to pile on and make unpleasant comments is incredibly vile behaviour.

A genuine friend would have said ‘no I don’t want to do that’ and left it at that.

This person wants attention and doesn’t care who gets hurt in the process.

[DamnYouAutoCarrot]

'THIS!!!!!! Literally all the racists on here are like flies to dog shit, and are salivating and gleeful at all the race threads. Basking in the wonderful opportunities to be racist, play the victim, cite inaccuracies and gaslight POC. All of a sudden everyone has a ‘black friend’ or ‘colleague’ Absolute cesspit. The amount if dumb posts i’ve seen on here the past few days, all under the guise of pretending to care or be upset or hurt. Say anything sensible it get skipped right over, in favour of more BS. LOL '

Point me to all the racists salivating on this thread @Jangirl2018 🤷🏻‍♀️.

[AKissAndASmile]

WE STILL DON'T KNOW OP ACTUALLY SAID TO HER 'FRIEND'
If the majority of others chipped in and said she was being a dick then she most likely was being a dick! Funny how if the consensus on AIBU is YABU, people berate the OP, but because these are black people saying OP was BU posters are chiming in saying the friend is BU.🙄

[MintyMabel]

Anything you'd recommend on netflix/tv?"

Oh dear god. Really?

You really can’t see why a person might be upset at constantly being asked to educate people about race issues, to being asked their opinion on race issues as if they speak for every person in that group. You really think that’s the same as being asked for a Netflix recommendation?

[Nonotthatdr]

I don’t want to make it all about little white me at all but I don’t honestly know what to do.

I’m horrified about what I’m seeing on the news. I try and make sure I make good political and social choices but I have managed to get myself called racist several times this week.

I didn’t feel it was my place to comment on the stuff in the USA because I can’t get it or understand and I didn’t want to make it about me, so some people on SM say I’m racist because I haven’t made posts about it, and I don’t care and that white people need to do something, so I try and show solidarity and support and then Im criticised for not Having the right to comment because I’m white.

A friend posted a whole list of what not to say. I have no idea of what to say and Then when I don’t say anything that’s also wrong. I’m really angry about the systemic racism in our society and the USA but I just don’t know what to do and would love guidance about how to show support without causing offence

[AKissAndASmile]

Agree @Jangirl2018

[Cam77]

@zscaler
Gross oversimplification. People ask friends who are knowledgeable about X for reading advice etc. it’s normal human behaviour. Is your average well educated British woman/ feminist really so crushed by the patriarchy that she can’t spend two minutes typing out a couple of decent book suggestions without getting “emotionally drained” and “exhausted”? Really? I always go to Goodreads or Amazon and elsewhere and look at the ratings but they can be deceptive. I recently spent £6 on the extremely highly rated “Feminists don’t wear pink”. Wish I hadn’t bothered, and that’s nothing to do with lack of interest/sympathy with feminist ideology - it just wasn’t very good.

[DamnYouAutoCarrot]

@AKissAndASmile Ohhh so now people are agreeing with the op because they are racist? Can't possibly be because they formed their own opinion and actually think the friend is unreasonable...

[MintyMabel]

but because these are black people saying OP was BU posters are chiming in saying the friend is BU

Because these are people voicing their thoughts on how something that happens exclusively to minorities, that I have absolutely no experience of and I can’t imagine having to deal with but sounds exhausting, yes, I’m inclined to accept that if those people say it’s a problem, then it’s a problem.

[Boulshired]

The problem as well is that if something is a continual impact on your life you don’t necessarily have books and resources to hand. I would assume most do not need a book on racism to know it’s there every day and the different ways it manifests. It’s a lived experience that does not need a handbook.

[Brefugee]

ok here we go for a recommendation for anyone who wants to have a bit of education about why Black Lives Matter is to watch the film 13th. I think it's on the 'flix.

We all know that if a man who was a friend approached us for recommendations to read about feminism and the women's movement, we wouldn't rant, unfriend and call him out on social media. We would offer him polite and useful suggestions.

Not necessarily. Countless feminists say exactly the opposite "look for yourself" "it's not my job to educate you" etc etc. I use it myself.

[1forsorrow]

I am in a mixed marriage, my background is Irish (although I was born in England I spent holidays in Ireland with GPs and Ireland was always referred to as home) and a Catholic, my husband came here in the 40s as part of the Windrush generation. Funnily enough during the troubles he would often ask me stuff about Ireland and to clarify things. My parents were from different sides of the border, one Catholic one Orange, so I was familiar with both sides of the conflict. In turn I would ask him things about his experience.

Neither of us found it offensive.

[Jangirl2018]

@DamnYouAutoCarrot

Ohhh so now people are agreeing with the op because they are racist? Can't possibly be because they formed their own opinion and actually think the friend is unreasonable...

Look at you....salivating. Quite amusing to witness. So hell bent on ‘proving’ your ‘point’