Why was I BU? Race related.

[asixthofafathom]

I know I was BU and I am sorry about it, but I don't understand.

I have a black friend who is really articulate and passionate and posts a lot on social media about race - the perfect person, I thought, to ask what to read and what not to read at the moment, so as to avoid stuff that is inaccurate and offensive and hear only the authentic voice of those being oppressed.

She went ballistic and unfriended me, then proceeded to rant publicly about how offensive, selfish and insensitive my request was. Her friends chimed in and started calling me names.

I accept that I was wrong. I know it was poor timing, she doesn't owe me anything and it's not her job to educate me. But I genuinely just wanted to learn and understand and show willingness to listen rather than just assume that I understand an experience that I don't share.

Why was I so wrong to ask? Please don't bite my head off (unless I deserve it), I genuinely meant well and was trying to show respect, and now I feel awful.

[Brefugee]

Feminists get this all the time from the MRAs and partly it's a tactic to suck up our energy so we're teaching people who can perfectly well find the bazillion resources and educate themselves instead of doing the stuff we want/need to be doing.

It is the same for POC right now. If your friend is articulate and has been posting information about racism the time to ask is any other time than now when it is a hot topic. And she went ballistic? I wonder why.

That link with the books is an excellent resource, thank you.

[jesusandjollof]

Would you feel the need to describe a white friend as 'really articulate'?
Back to your AIBU - yes! Do the work yourself. Google is your friend. Why should someone dealing with trauma have to help you out right now?

[BrainFart]

Damn, this all seems like some bullshit.

It appears OP asked someone who knew more about a subject than her to direct her to some good resources to learn more about that subject, and that person over-reacted for whatever reason.

I trust the next time the people on this thread ask a friend for book recommendations, or restaurant recommendations, or any other sort of advice, they'll find it reasonable to be told that they should find it out for themselves, that their friend is not there to educate them, and that the friend no longer wishes to speak to them and will encourage other people to pile on.

[BlueJava]

I really don't understand what the OP did that was so wrong. She asked a friend as she wanted reliable sources for info - one that her friend knows about (as verified by her posting history). Friend took offence.

However, what if we change the topic but the same thing happens. I am femail and an IT Consultant. Supposing someone approaches me saying "You've got on in the industry and you're female, how did you do that?" It seems a reasonable question that I can help with. Even if I felt she shouldn't ask I'd not go ballistic.

[Shieldmaiden01]

@Ravenclawgirl

All those who are slating the OP for calling her friend articulate, read the whole sentence:
I have a black friend who is really articulate and passionate and posts a lot on social media about race
It's easy to make people sound racist when you take an odd word out of context.

You really have no idea

[Apple1029]

honestly op, you could have engaged your brain to try research the hundreds of links and information available at current. I can imagine it's probably not the first ignorant request like this she received.

[june2007]

I would move on, your intentions might have been genuine, but she has taken them as ignorant and insensitive,. And by the way try telling the white farmers of Zimbabwe that whites don,t face discrimination when they had land taken from them during Mugabe,s time. Ok you could say he gave them back to the blacks, but no he ended up ruining the land and only gave it back to his supporters leaving many blacks unemployed. (as well as whites and other races I imagine.)

[1forsorrow]

I think I read a different OP to most on here. The OP didn't demand anything, well not from what she said. She asked a friend for a recommendation, you know when I'm cheesed off I might say to a friend, "Anything you'd recommend on netflix/tv?" I would be a bit shocked if they came back and said, "Do some research, I'm not the radio times." If she didn't want to she could have just said no.

[ChocolatelyAsFuck]

It’s pretty fucking goady to start threads about nasty mean black people bullying poor helpless ickle well-meaning white girls on Blackout Tuesday.

Pull your slip down, your agenda is showing.

[Newjez]

I tell you what op.

Why don't you tell us what all (insert your race) people think, and which things we should read to get up to speed on what issues your race is currently faced with.

I could be wrong here, but don't you think assuming your friend speaks for her race could be viewed as, well, racist.

[PhoenixBuchanan]

We all know that if a man who was a friend approached us for recommendations to read about feminism and the women's movement, we wouldn't rant, unfriend and call him out on social media. We would offer him polite and useful suggestions.

There is a huge double standard going on ATM. This "not my job to educate" stance is bizarre.

[DamnYouAutoCarrot]

@ChocolatelyAsFuck and its pretty damn prejudicial to presume that the wind up op is an 'ickle well-meaning white girl'.

[SimonJT]

As a person of colour I’m sick of being asked to educate people about race, I may be brown but I am not your staff.

OP how would you feel if you men continually asked you for information on domestic violence and blamed womens actions for domestic violence.

[Myohmy111]

OP, I know that you had the best of intentions so I can’t fault you for that. At least you want to gain insight which is clearly a good thing. And I think a PP was going too far by suggesting that you were ‘victim blaming’.

That said, I couldn’t help noticing the fact that you mentioned that your black friend was ‘articulate’. I’m betting that you wouldn’t have felt the need to describe a white friend as articulate. Little subtle messages like that are all part of this perception, in your case, unconscious, as black people as being ‘other’ or even ‘less than’.

[MilkTrayLimeBarrel]

Let her get on with it and don't bother to be concerned any more.

[BabyItsAWildWorld]

I don't think the OP was asking for extended seminars on the history of race relations.

She was asking for some suggested book titles.

All this 'it's not my place to educate you', seems way out of proportion in this case.

And if it's annoying because you don't have the time or energy to suggest some book titles to your friend, then you respond' haven't you got Google??' Or even 'Not my job.'

You don't go ballistic, rant, and get friends involved in calling someone names. You really could have named a book in that time.

So it's about something else.
It feels like maybe it's about the power to shame, and you know, anyone can use power badly.

[Lweji]

For people like the OP, who have friends like the OP's, just read their posts. Such people tend use sources they think are reliable and that they like.
It's not hard.

[wildcherries]

You've said it yourself: it's not her job to educate you. Do the work and don't make this trauma about you

[LivingThatLockdownLife]

OP probably described her friend as articulate to demonstrate that this person is outspoken and eloquent on social media so therefore you could make the connection she might be a good source of advice on the matter.

Rather than someone who posts kitty pictures and childish memes, which, let's be honest, people of all colours use social media in a less serious way

Articulate probably also means that OP feels LESS articulate. Which I totally understand. I am terrified to post anything for fear of getting it wrong. All I have done today on SM is repost a few things that seem non offensive. I dare not write anything myself because I've seen how easy it is to get it wrong. Like the OP. Who has apparently got it so very wrong she deserves to be publically shamed.

Grim.

[Chandler12]

You describe her as a friend but is she really or just someone you have on your Facebook?

[Happymum12345]

I understand why you asked your friend. I hope you find the answers you were looking for.

[Jangirl2018]

• It’s pretty fucking goady to start threads about nasty mean black people bullying poor helpless ickle well-meaning white girls on Blackout Tuesday.
  Pull your slip down, your agenda is showing*
  
  THIS!!!!!! Literally all the racists on here are like flies to dog shit, and are salivating and gleeful at all the race threads. Basking in the wonderful opportunities to be racist, play the victim, cite inaccuracies and gaslight POC. All of a sudden everyone has a ‘black friend’ or ‘colleague’ Absolute cesspit. The amount if dumb posts i’ve seen on here the past few days, all under the guise of pretending to care or be upset or hurt. Say anything sensible it get skipped right over, in favour of more BS. LOL

[wildcherries]

@Lweji

Basically, you told her you've ignored most of what she has been posting and wanted personalised information.

Have you actually read anything that she's shared?

Good point.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

If it's annoying because you don't have the time or energy to suggest some book titles to your friend, then you respond 'haven't you got Google??' Or even 'Not my job'
You don't go ballistic, rant, and get friends involved in calling someone names

Well said - but like yourself, I wonder if there was something else going on here

[kateluvscats]

This is the problem, too much tip toeing around, she's not a friend if you can't ask her a question about a subject she will know more about, it's nothing to do with race.