Why was I BU? Race related.

[asixthofafathom]

I know I was BU and I am sorry about it, but I don't understand.

I have a black friend who is really articulate and passionate and posts a lot on social media about race - the perfect person, I thought, to ask what to read and what not to read at the moment, so as to avoid stuff that is inaccurate and offensive and hear only the authentic voice of those being oppressed.

She went ballistic and unfriended me, then proceeded to rant publicly about how offensive, selfish and insensitive my request was. Her friends chimed in and started calling me names.

I accept that I was wrong. I know it was poor timing, she doesn't owe me anything and it's not her job to educate me. But I genuinely just wanted to learn and understand and show willingness to listen rather than just assume that I understand an experience that I don't share.

Why was I so wrong to ask? Please don't bite my head off (unless I deserve it), I genuinely meant well and was trying to show respect, and now I feel awful.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

She’s obviously not your friend OP. Honestly if she held you in high regard she wouldn’t have immediately defriended you then bitched about you on social media. So you got that bit wrong first off.

Secondly I have to agree it’s not for your black acquaintance to guide you with links and references. That’s work for her and irritating. Go
research it yourself (not by asking another black acquaintance 😬).

[Pinkblueberry]

The OP sounds like a bandwagon jumper, expecting preferencial treatment for being so kind as a white (yes, pretty sure she's white) to care about black issues.

I agree it definitely comes across this way. The way the OP has phrased things sounds more like she’s trying to look like she cares about black issues, rather than truly caring about them. I think if you truly cared you would simply go ahead a research yourself rather than make a thing of it, basically saying ‘look what I’m doing, aren’t I good!’, which has rightfully backfired.

[atimetobealive]

She also sounds like a right nasty piece of work to start shaming you online.

[MarmiteOnToastAndWine]

Well your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend. I mean, you do seem a bit ignorant, but if she's your 'friend' she presumably knows you r a decent human being and she could have more calmly explained that she was a bit pissed off with you. When my friends make blunders I don't react like a child. I think perhaps this friendship is not a very strong one.

[EmotionalHangover]

As a white person, I wouldn’t dream of asking a black friend to educate me. I would do the research myself, I MAY ask a POC friend if they thought the sources I had read etc were reliable (?) but I probably wouldn’t do that at this current time as POC have greater things to worry about than validating my thoughts. My voice is better used to support, even if there are some aspects I am ignorant about. I would rather lend my voice to help them be heard than make them pause to explain something to me. I’ve seen discussions where POC have explained that they aren’t here to validate or explain, and I’ve listened to that and learned from it. There are many many reputable sources of reliable information from fantastic POC , they aren’t too hard to find if you listen to the right people.

[NailsNeedDoing]

Obviously, it’s not hard to understand the frustration that comes along with being asked to be educated on this, but one friend asking another friend for a recommendation is just that, and I find it hard to see why someone would genuinely feel offended by a friend asking in the nicest possible way.

We do that all the time with different things, ask friends and acquaintances for advice or recommendations about things that they have more experience of than ourselves, and that’s fine with literally everything else, but not this apparently. I’m mixed race, personally, I wouldn’t be offended and would have taken it in the normal way it was meant.

[DamnYouAutoCarrot]

@AKissAndASmile are you serious? I don't know of another race that suffers at the hand of police brutality, like black people do.. Is it only 'whites' that want the enquire on how to educate themselves about these heinous events?

How it feels to be a black person and fear the police? Wonder if your children, brother, sister, dad, uncle etc will be killed by the people employed to protect you..

[DamnYouAutoCarrot]

Anyway, the op is a first time poster on a wind up at everyone's expense no doubt.

[Newbie1999]

www.bustle.com/p/10-books-about-race-to-read-instead-of-asking-a-person-of-color-to-explain-things-to-you-8548796

[Ravenclawgirl]

All those who are slating the OP for calling her friend articulate, read the whole sentence:
I have a black friend who is really articulate and passionate and posts a lot on social media about race
It's easy to make people sound racist when you take an odd word out of context.

[cheesyrats]

It seems that if you are white, you are in the wrong. Presumably until the end of all eternity.

[backseatcookers]

But I genuinely just wanted to learn and understand and show willingness to listen

I think the core issue lies in the fact that this sentence actually says two different things - unintentionally I know - which can be read to have different motives.

1. I genuinely want to learn and understand

• this could be done proactively by researching yourself, googling book recommendations, reading articles, using Wikipedia to learn about civil rights movements and racism etc

1. I wanted to show willingness to listen

• now again I know this may not have been intentional, but there is an element of people wanting to visibly "show" their interest in this which can feel like virtue signalling and although perhaps not in your case, disingenuous as surely if people really wanted to listen and learn they would be proactively listening and learning themselves - it feels a bit like people want a pat on the back for being allies when really they are effectively asking POC to provide the information to them on a platter rather than putting proactive effort into it

I don't know if I've explained that well but hopefully it makes some sense?

[EmotionalHangover]

[quote Newbie1999]www.bustle.com/p/10-books-about-race-to-read-instead-of-asking-a-person-of-color-to-explain-things-to-you-8548796[/quote]
This link is ace for those who want to start to learn, I have read a couple already , Oluo’s is a good starting point

[MorrisZapp]

I wouldn't class anyone I couldn't comfortably ask for recommendations or advice from as a friend. She sounds like more of an acquaintance.

I'm not enjoying all this 'educate yourself' chat right now. Lots of the links I've looked at are obviously very pro 'intersectionality' and as I don't trust that (radical feminist) I don't trust the recommendations.

One of the memes I'm seeing on Facebook says 'science is real, feminism is for everyone, black lives matter' etc. How can feminism be for everyone? That's taking womens oppression and 'all lives matter'-ing it.

Now I'll be called a 'white feminist' which is a term I can't stand. This debate isn't meant for me to be part of, I don't think. I don't know what I can add.

[HowFurloughCanYouGo]

When she "went ballistic" what exactly was it that she said?

Because if she is articulate and passionate, there's no doubt that her answer would be in there.

You don't need to ask us.

She told you.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Why do posters keep saying "it's not her job to educate you" when actually OP asked for a few pointers on how best to educate herself?

As in "the perfect person, I thought, to ask what to read / not to read at the moment, so as to avoid stuff that is inaccurate and offensive"

[Teawiththat]

I would be annoyed if a stranger or someone I hardly knew at all messaged me asking, for reasons that have been covered above. If it was a friend (none have so far) I wouldn't block and berate them, but everyone is different I guess. I'll be honest I'm not overly active on social media and so don't have a lot of posts about it on there, but the fact that she does I don't think you were being wholly unreasonable to assume she would be happy to talk about it. To be honest a lot of literature, articles, documentaries and reading is US-centric, and whilst a lot of cross over and is still exttenely important, people locally would probably learn more from me than googling- not because I know it all or because everything else is crap, but because there isn't much at all on growing up in rural England as the only non-white person. Anyway, you've learnt now OP, it seems like you understand where she was coming from, I would move on.

[Jangirl2018]

@cheesyrats

It seems that if you are white, you are in the wrong. Presumably until the end of all eternity

Boo bloody hoo!! Stop centering your feelings

[nervousnelly8]

Did you ask your friend for advice on what to read because she is black, or because she posts lots of interesting things about race on social media? I think if one of your friends is engaging in a debate on a public forum, it's not unusual to get in touch and ask about sources of information, if the subject is something you are less informed about. That to me is different than just messaging a random friend who happens to be black and asking what they think about current events.

That said, it's a time with very highly charged emotions at the moment - might have been better to wait until things had calmed down a little.

[SpillTheTeaa]

I don't think you thought about what you said. She over reacted imo but you could have used google.
To start shaming you online to other people though makes her just as bad as you for asking the question. 2 wrongs don't make a right.

[DamnYouAutoCarrot]

@Jangirl2018 why is that necessary? @cheesyrats is entitled to a bloody opinion. It doesn't need to turn into a f*cking white bashing.

[MrsGrindah]

Boo bloody hoo!! Stop centering your feelings

What does that mean? It’s a bit hard ,in a debate on a topic as passionate as this, to put ones feelings aside

[cinammonbuns]

The way this post is worded and the fact the OP hadn’t returned makes it pretty obvious it is bait.

[MintyMabel]

and it's not her job to educate me. But I genuinely just wanted to learn

So learn and don’t use her to educate you.

You did the wrong thing, accept it and move on.