Why was I BU? Race related.

[asixthofafathom]

I know I was BU and I am sorry about it, but I don't understand.

I have a black friend who is really articulate and passionate and posts a lot on social media about race - the perfect person, I thought, to ask what to read and what not to read at the moment, so as to avoid stuff that is inaccurate and offensive and hear only the authentic voice of those being oppressed.

She went ballistic and unfriended me, then proceeded to rant publicly about how offensive, selfish and insensitive my request was. Her friends chimed in and started calling me names.

I accept that I was wrong. I know it was poor timing, she doesn't owe me anything and it's not her job to educate me. But I genuinely just wanted to learn and understand and show willingness to listen rather than just assume that I understand an experience that I don't share.

Why was I so wrong to ask? Please don't bite my head off (unless I deserve it), I genuinely meant well and was trying to show respect, and now I feel awful.

[gobbynorthernbird]

It is not always OK to ask questions, @DamnYouAutoCarrot

[Biancadelrioisback]

I agree that is isn't her job to point you in the right direction.

[DamnYouAutoCarrot]

'Black people aren't the ones who need to sort out the racism of white people'

Did I miss the part where op said they are white? Bit of a racist statement in itself.

[NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace]

f you want to know, for example, what time the supermarket shuts - you don’t message your friend who works at the supermarket. You Google it.

Well, at the risk of running against the crowd, I disagree. My friend, who works at the supermarket is more likely to give me better information than Google.

And, if the majority on here are to be believed then teachers/academics may as well kiss goodbye to their careers. Why is it their job to educate people when those knowledge hungry souls can Google or read a fucking book?

[MrsTWH]

Because teachers are paid to educate. Put the mental and emotional load into your black friend to fix your ignorance is not ok.

[missyB1]

She sounds like hard work and a bit of a drama queen. Distance yourself till she gets over herself.

[Lweji]

Basically, you told her you've ignored most of what she has been posting and wanted personalised information.

Have you actually read anything that she's shared?

[DamnYouAutoCarrot]

@gobbynorthernbird I understand the simplicity of my statement. I'd much prefer people asked, than presumed, or kept quiet for fear of offending.

If, as people, we don't educate then we can't eradicate.

As @vonny63 this subject is incredibly emotive and close to home for many. In this instance a round of questioning wouldn't be appropriate, I understand that.

[Shieldmaiden01]

As a black woman I wouldn't understand why a friend of mine would need me educate them on what is fundamentally to listen with empathy, I wouldn't go ballistic though (would be interesting to know what she said).

As a side note, I always laugh a little when someone describes a black person as "articulate" as if it's a compliment and unusual for us to be able to speak well.

[Purpleartichoke]

I believe most movements are doing themselves a terrible disservice when they state education is not their responsibility. There is a ton of bad information online. Asking a trusted person for guidance should be the starting point. Helping people learn is going to be more effective than the more strident approaches.

That said, I understand my beliefs about effectively changing society are not shared by everyone. Many vocal activists have very different beliefs about effective methods. The reaction op received/is receiving is common.

[Lweji]

To me "the authentic voice of those oppressed" sounds weird.
Did you use those words? They come across as patronising.

People are angry. And quite rightly so.

If a man asked me for advice on what to read to hear the true voice of oppressed women, he'd come across as a prat to me. Trying too hard, and belittling at the same time.

[AvocaLove]

2 things:

• it’s not her job or her burden to fix your racism, or to educate you. The resources are there and plenty of people are pointing towards them already.
  

• This is unbelievably offensive
  

so as to avoid stuff that is inaccurate and offensive and hear only the authentic voice of those being oppressed.
It very much sounds like you are suggesting that some black voices are inauthentic or offensive. You don’t need to pick and choose - you just need to listen to black voices. THEIR reality matters. THEIR truth matters. THEIR hard is true. Listen to it. To suggest that only some are worth listening to and engaging with is really offensive in itself!

[RoosterPie]

Hmmm. Yeah it’s not her job to educate you and it must be a very difficult time to be black. However going “ballistic”, unfriending you and publicly slagging you off is unfair. I imagine it is borne out of her being exhausted and upset by the current climate and your request sent her over the edge, but objectively you didn’t do anything to warrant that level of reaction.

Incidentally, my closest black friend and I discuss race issues a lot, albeit not at a time like now, but I remember when the Sandra Bland tragedy happened she was really upset and we spent a long time talking. I was mainly listening to her to be fair but I did ask her about some stuff she said. She sent me a message that evening to say thank you for that chat and it’s good to know I care. Is it necessarily universal that black people don’t want to talk to white people about race?

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

I have a black friend who is really articulate

Ah god op, I know this was well meant but just google the phrase "articulate black friend".

And then google "it's not my job to educate you".

And then google "black lives matter".

And then google "how can white people be allies?"

And then google.... you get my point, right? Do the work yourself. It is not hard.

[DamnYouAutoCarrot]

Can we please be careful not to perpetuate racial predujice here. The op has not described themselves as white, yet posters are just assuming this and posting about it not being their job to 'educate whites'.

It's offensive!

[DownToTheSeaAgain]

As said upthread 'Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race' by Reni Eddo-Lodge** will make why she is offended crystal clear

[DamnYouAutoCarrot]

Prejudice*

[B0bbin]

It's good that you want trusted sources as there's a lot of bollocks on the internet about any topic.

[Scwelshbird]

How exactly did you word this op?

[Lweji]

I believe most movements are doing themselves a terrible disservice when they state education is not their responsibility

But she has tried to educate. Or share her worries and concerns. She posts about race. To those willing to listen.

The OP sounds like a bandwagon jumper, expecting preferencial treatment for being so kind as a white (yes, pretty sure she's white) to care about black issues.

[AKissAndASmile]

Well she must be white, because they're the only race that don't face persecution for their race and wouldn't need to ask such questions

[lljkk]

What names did her friends call you, OP?

[atimetobealive]

She isn’t a friend.

Also, no matter what you said you’d probably not have got it right in the eyes of many.

She sounds like exceptionally hard work.