Help this shy introvert use her garden!

[Suziet12]

Ndn 2 kids early teens. Constantly in garden kicking footballs into my fence and over fence into my garden. I get stressed by their noise and feel unable to sit in my Garden With my little ones. Everyone in street has kids and they all play in garden but I’m not bothered the slightest about any noise they make it’s normal garden noises.

Today I just thought I’ll sit it out and doesn’t matter how much noise they make I won’t be bothered by it. One of them then hangs over my fence looking for a lost ball I presume! The parents don’t even say anything. They just carried on chatting to each other!

I just feel annoyed that I can’t sit in my garden with my kids. Sometimes I don’t want to step out even to put washing out as their voices just grate on me. I know it sounds bad but they just annoy me. Has anyone been in similar situation? How would you change your perspective? I don’t feel able to talk to the parents as once I asked about being more careful but obviously fence is still getting kicked and ball comes over daily.

Just to re-iterate the other neighbours kids do not bother me and they’re similar ages.

Help me change my thinking please. No nasty comments, just want to hear from people who can sympathise or have experienced similar. I just wish it wouldn’t bother me I am more sensitive to noises in general I think but I’m sure this level of bloody kicking n screaming would annoy anyone. I try not to give ball back straight away now but they have a stack of them! So I end up with 3 or 4.

OP you need to toughen up. You need to ask them not to kick the ball against the fence for a start. It loosens the posts as well as damaging the slats. Once you've asked politely and if they still do it, you need to tell them not ask, and tell them every single time, even if you hear it indoors and you are not outside. It takes a while but they get the message.

As for the balls coming over, in normal times they are allowed to come to the door to ask to collect roughly twice (unless once has been early in the day) so I'd say twice an evening. After that they just need to wait until we throw them over. At the moment I'll throw them over 2 or 3 times a day. But to be honest they are a lot more careful now.

My DC have 4, 3 that play or did play football, 2 at a high level in junior sections of top level clubs.

I just say to them if the ball is going over the fence then they need to work better on their control skills.

In general I'm shy and avoid conflict but I don't put up with that sort of shite.

Neighbours had to pay to replace 2 damaged slats, that might have also helped with the cessation. I've heard them tell their DC to stop kicking of the other side of the fences as well now.

@easedale it is our fence and it’s 6ft tall. I think that’s what annoys me more, if it was theirs I wouldn’t care so much as it’s their property but the bloody cheek of banging on our side rather than theirs. And yes before anyone says, they do know it’s ours. when baby came we replaced it, as old one was in bits because of the ball thudded against it. So knowing this they still kick on our side rather than the side they own.

I agree that the word introvert is being misused here. You might well be an introvert OP, but an inability to speak up for yourself is nothing to go with an introverted personality. It sounds more like a lack of confidence or low self worth.

I agree that you should look into higher fencing but in the short term, wear headphones or earbuds and angle your chair so you have your back to them. Perhaps buy a garden parasol that can screen you from their view. And remember this won’t go forever, as soon as lockdown is lifted that teenager will be off to the park with his mates.

And be tolerant of him. To you he’s a hulking great lad, but he’s really not much older than your own beloved DC.

Suzie, have you used headphones? Obviously not when you're with DC, but when you have time alone? You could listen to recorded birdsong or your favourite calm music instead of the noisy neighbours.
Dark sunglasses help you not to interact with people if you just want to stay quiet.
Planting a screen of fast-growing bamboo could give you a little private space.
And it's partly about changing the way you experience noise, eg letting it flow over you as if it's the sound of waves. There are techniques you can learn for sort of 'de-fusing' the noises that irritate you. A good therapist could be helpful.

I mean my neighbours have 4 DC.

Yes, I understand. I feel like I’m being watched if other people are in their gardens. My ndn have put a patio right outside our lounge window against a 4ft fence so it’s both noisy and intrusive when they are sitting there. Feel like I have to shut curtains and windows.

You are being overly sensitive

I really wish people would stop saying this to introverts. It just highlights the ignorance and pressure to conform to an extrovert society. Which only suits half the population by the way.

@WaxOnFeckOff thank you. I did actually speak to parents a while ago it took a lot of courage but I basically said it could hit my baby and damage something so they need to be more careful. They said okay they will but obviously nothing has changed. I felt awful and guilty for ages after asking them and was constantly asking thinking did I do the right thing by speaking to them! I shouldn’t have bothered as it made no difference.

No advise but feel for you. Our front gardens are open plan (council house - back are enclosed individually) and the neighbours bug me something chronic - the guy told his kids to move their goal onto our side as he didn't want it under his window - needless to say they were given their marching orders - DH tells me I should leave it. I won't though as it means my autistic dd1 (17) won't come downstairs as they are always under our window.

Would they listen do you think if you asked them to stop with the handing over the fence etc?

My two sets of neighbours have commented because my boys are never in the garden. I was raised with a noise intolerant father so I'm hyper alert to any possible noises that could annoy others. I have put my boys off from playing in the garden because of their happy noise might irritate others and I regret that immensely.

Quarantimespringclean - the fence is 6ft already!

@ainsisoisje - thank you! I hate hearing this too.

@Thinkingabout1t - fantastic tips thank u!

I’ve screenshot all the fabulous ideas, I’m sorry if I haven’t thanked you and you gave me good advice. I am going to keep reading the tips and hopefully tomorrow I will go with a different attitude. Thanks again!

@Keepitup no! Please don’t stop them playing! That’s not my intention obviously let them play but be mindful if they keep bashing neighbours fence. One off bashing ball is okay but not to the extent my neighbors bash it. Let them out now and let them enjoy themselves. You seem like you would tell them off if they were climbing over someone’s fence and I’m sure they’re more considerate than the ones I live next door to so they will be fine

I've been thinking about your post.
Could you get a parasol/ table and angle the parasol so you are blocking your physical sight of the fence? A pair of sunglasses and a wide brim sun hat would stop your eye contact. Might give you a feeling of privacy.
Also have you got ear buds for your phone to play a bit of background noise? I am so old I first thought of a cd player on a table or are your headphones wireless?
Maybe chew some gum so you are sort of gritting your teeth without making your jaw and face tighten up?
Stay hydrated. Perhaps some ice in your squash. You have to get up and walk around to do this. Give yourself a minute or two to walk away from the hub of the noise. Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth, force your shoulders down to the relaxed position. Chin up, back straight and back into the garden.
Fingers crossed you get some enjoyment of this nice weather in your own garden.

Think about where you sit and which direction you are facing in. Rehearse what you want to say if they call out for their ball, or whatever. When you hear them and start feeling on edge, take some deep breaths, think about something else, and consciously relax your muscles. Keep working at that until it becomes instinctive.

Also keep it up the other neighbours to me have a boy and he plays football in the morning and then maybe an hour in afternoon. He then will occasionally throw a ball in basketball net by the sounds of it. He does not bother anyone - including me! So please let your boys out. They won’t irritate anyone as you sound considerate. The NDN I’m annoyed with are literally in garden kicking ball from moment they wake up to the moment they sleep - this is an extreme case! As I said the other neighbours kids don’t annoy me so it’s very unlikely your boys will annoy your neighbours. They wouldn’t have mentioned it if they weren’t willing to hear them playing.

@willowmelangell. Aww thank you! Your advice is brilliant. Lol CD player on table! We do actually have one but I go wireless headphones. Thank you! You cheered me up

“Shy Introvert”?
On the basis of your OP that’s not how you come across.

Instead you don’t like your NDN. They irritate you. Suck it up or have a chat. Can’t say the examples you give are particularly.... bad but they are to you so deal with with or don’t.

But shy introvert - no this is not shyness or introvertism

Thank you everyone! I got what I wanted from this thread now just a little clarity and place to vent! Thank you for the wonderful suggestions. on an end note I do think I have to be a little braver and tell them if they keep kicking my fence they will be Paying for damage. Also the fence is 6ft tall do they shouldn’t be climbing over as it’s a risk to them

I’m not going to read any more as I’m going to leave the thread on a positive note. Thank you and enjoy your day where ever you are,

* Being an introvert is the problem nothing else. My sister whose polar opposite to me would have no issue saying “oi stop poking your bloody head over” and she would most definitely have told the parents on day 1 if anything breaks they paying for it! Whereas I have stayed quiet for a number of years now. *

Nope. Not introvertism! Lacking in confidence to address issues that bother you. There’s a big difference.

If they peep over say 'stop peeping over my fence, it is rude' and teach them some manners.

Shouldn't their parents have done that already?

I am an introvert and need lots of space/ me time etc. My neighbours on both sides are not the best. The couple to the right keep out of their garden thankfully, as they are super loud inside. The couple to the left are just rude, disgusting people making comments about me that are based on lies. I just ignore them as they are awful to other neighbours as well, and I assume the man has mental health issues based on his fixation on hating anyone with disabilities like me. Problem of privacy was sorted by building 8ft fences (you can get toppers and all sorts of installations to raise the barrier), planting trees and hedges, and wearing wireless headphones in the garden (that shuts out their moaning for me, and it really winds him up that I am not bothered by his attacks...he is a classic bully after all, and his power is lost by my indifference).

Juliet I’m trying to end this thread positively now! I don’t have time to respond to you and I’m sure you’ve got better things to do. Go and enjoy your day.

Help me change my thinking please. No nasty comments, just want to hear from people who can sympathise or have experienced similar

It's going to be difficult to change your thinking if you aren't open to hearing opposing views.

@scoobydoo1971 oh I’m sorry to hear this! I’ll try messaging u privately later when I get a chance.

@bringincrazyback yes exactly!

Thanks again everyone for your input. Have a lovely day

Oh my god I’m not gonna get off here today am I! So tell me then @Iwalkinmyclothing what IS the opposing view of my fence getting damaged, my baby jumping every time a ball gets kicked over and be not being able to enjoy my garden in peace?