To not know what a narsassist is?!

[CBaskin826]

I am in need of some help with my marriage that's desperately down the drain.
I've been told a few times before my husband may be a narsassist - but I think I'm so unsure and lack so much confidence I just don't know if I'm right or not.
Here's some examples of what he does - he will turn everything wrong around on me.
If I bring any issues up to him, he will make sure to twist it round so I'm the one who ends up in the wrong.
He doesn't help me much with parenting or any household tasks, even though I've asked him so many times.
He doesn't see when I'm burning out or ever offer to take over or support me.
If I ask him a question, no matter how small, he will snap and tell me I'm trying to control him by knowing everything about him..
He moans about literally everything and everybody, nobody seems good enough in his books..
He's not romantic/affectionate but will have a go at me when I'm not affectionate to him.
He sits in his pc or his mobile all day long, if I'm talking I have to ask him to actually look at me and not his screen..
That's just a few things. I'm really unhappy and just think understanding what's going on with him may help me, just a little.

Thanks for taking time to read.

From Google. Yeah, he's a narcissist

Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behaviour, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding

Thank you. Any ideas on my next steps, is it possible to change him or will he always be like this?

Narcissists never change.

Not possible to change them, I'm so sorry

Is it also normal for me to feel doubtful about myself, I often think "maybe it's me, maybe I made him like this, it's all my fault, I'm not good enough, I moan a lot"

I have really bad mental health and am pretty hard on myself, but I've come from a really traumatic childhood and have almost become reliant on husband. I just want to feel important to somebody.

In regards of your childhood, have you had counselling? Narcissists are very good at spotting those with low self esteem. He wont change, therefore you'll have to build up your confidence to leave.

Narcs can't change because that would involve them reflecting on their behaviour and finding fault, which they can't do.

Sorry but you need to leave.

He can't change- there is nothing wrong with him in his opinion.

He has trained you to be dependent on him, to lack confidence in yourself.

You are a supporting act in the drama which is his life. He is the only important character in the play, everyone else is replaceable, there to feed him lines and give him someone to perform to, to set the scene for his life.

When you understand that, it gets a lot easier to see how to behave and how to get out.

Practice 'grey rock'. You make yourself uninteresting to him, offer no information, no arguments, no excitement. Gradually he'll lose interest in you.

You may already be doing it subconsciously, 'being good', 'treading carefully', 'trying not to wind him up'.

OP please watch Dr Ramani on youtube, I think it’ll help enormously

I am recieveing psychology, I have tried counselling with a private counsellor but really struggled to open up. I'm also on medication daily.

There was a situation this afternoon where he asked me to not leave something in the car, I told him in these exact words "I haven't had a bin from a to b (where we were to where the conversation took place) so where was I expected to put it? He then began shaking his head at me, telling me I had an awful attitude and I was ridiculous.. Leaving me thinking what have I done??

Next time, just say 'ok'. Don't defend yourself, don't engage.

And now im getting the "I know you want to leave me, I don't care anymore" why do I mean so little to him..

Make plans to leave. It will not get better.

There are 9 criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a person has to meet 5 for a diagnosis. But people can also have narcissistic traits and still cause havoc.

Did he “love bomb” you in the beginning? Are you just waiting for that to happen again? Because it won’t.

Good luck OP, post on Relarionships and start getting support to leave.

Please don't waste time wondering what you did wrong. You were never going to be enough for him, no one ever will.

Narcissists are incapable of truly caring or loving anyone other than themselves.

It isn't you at fault here. Even though he tries to make you feel as if it is.

They are extremely manipulative people who can't change, because they don't think that they're doing anything wrong.
Everything is always someone else's fault.

Google 'Narcissistic abuse' the 'malignant narcissist' and also 'co- dependency'

Also, Google a woman called Melanie Tonia Evans. She is an expert in narc abuse and really helped me when I realised I was a victim of it.

Good luck. You can recover from this but you need to understand it before you can heal.

@CBaskin826 have a look at the Relationships board on Mumsnet, it will be worth it for you I promise.

Thank you all for your advise, I'll have a look at the relationship board.

We met really young, and were very much in love, he was wonderful to me.

It's ok to keep talking here, as well as looking at the relationships board and all the good links Loodally suggest.

When 'he was wonderful to you, and you were very much in love' actually he was enjoying the role of being a great boyfriend, sweeping you off your feet, wooing you. Now he is in a different role. You are his, his wife, his housekeeper, his generally dogsbody. You simply exist to facilitate the life he lives. For you to have demands, expectations, your own thoughts undermines the role he has given you and he'll think that very unreasonable.

I'm really sorry but the man you fell in love with doesn't exist, he was a character your husband became to attract and keep you.

I'm so sorry, it's awful, and you need to understand it so you can move on,

They are always wonderful when you first meet them, that's how they suck you in. If he's treated you then like he treats you now, there wouldn't have been a relationship would there?

I agree with PPs. They do not change. You have to get out of the relationship. Make sure you research what you're up against first though, one thing narcs never do is let their supply go easily.

They all start off ‘wonderful’, they trap you and pull you in.
Slowly twisting and manipulating until you believe you are always wrong, it’s your fault he did that isn’t it? Everything that everyone has written about above is spot on. Don’t tell him you think he’s a narcissist, he’ll project that back at you. Keep your head down, get your ducks in a row and prepare to escape the abuse. Lots and lots of info on here, elsewhere online and in books, once you start researching, it will open your eyes. Clear your browser history too.

Thank you all so much for your help and advise so far.

No the man I love isn't him - I understand that totally. I always think, maybe it'll get better.. And one thought that really plagues me is if I go and he finds someone else new, the thought of him being happy and treating another woman with so much love, basically everything I have wanted from him for so long.. It makes me feel so so sad.

Has he got any good qualities?

I'm certain people are capable of changing patterns of behaviour only if they want to and acknowledge wrong doing.

If hes not willing to change or see fault, then he'll torture you forever because your upset wont affect him as he sees your behaviour ie crying as the problem as opposed to factors leading to the behaviour, Him being rude or offensive. He doesnt want to fix the problem just your response to the problem.

This makes sense ^^ when I'm upset he will sigh and ask me what I'm upset about, like he doesn't see what he's done to hurt me.

If I try to talk to him about any issues, I'm told I just moan, or he turns it round and points out something I've done wrong before.. Or rarely he actually does try for a day or so, then it all goes back to normal behaviour.

I don't think it matters whether you label him a narcissist or not. He is just not very nice and whatever you call his traits doesn't change how he makes you feel.

(Trump is the text book narcissist! As is my mother!! ;)! )