To not know what a narsassist is?!

[CBaskin826]

I am in need of some help with my marriage that's desperately down the drain.
I've been told a few times before my husband may be a narsassist - but I think I'm so unsure and lack so much confidence I just don't know if I'm right or not.
Here's some examples of what he does - he will turn everything wrong around on me.
If I bring any issues up to him, he will make sure to twist it round so I'm the one who ends up in the wrong.
He doesn't help me much with parenting or any household tasks, even though I've asked him so many times.
He doesn't see when I'm burning out or ever offer to take over or support me.
If I ask him a question, no matter how small, he will snap and tell me I'm trying to control him by knowing everything about him..
He moans about literally everything and everybody, nobody seems good enough in his books..
He's not romantic/affectionate but will have a go at me when I'm not affectionate to him.
He sits in his pc or his mobile all day long, if I'm talking I have to ask him to actually look at me and not his screen..
That's just a few things. I'm really unhappy and just think understanding what's going on with him may help me, just a little.

Thanks for taking time to read.

Even if he did get with someone else he will always be a narcissist and treat them the same way he is treating you.

OK I need help I don't know if I'm going absolutely mental or not - he's come into the room I'm in - asked me if I'm going to admit that I don't want to be in this marriage.. Then tells me I'm nasty to him.. And that I snap at him all the time.. I said I'm not a horrible person, I'm snapping because I'm upset about things your not helping me do.. And he says - I'm not nasty, how can you say I'm nasty?!
I just want to burst into tears, I feel like I'm going mad.. Like is it all me??!

Is it also normal for me to feel doubtful about myself, I often think "maybe it's me, maybe I made him like this, it's all my fault, I'm not good enough, I moan a lot

It's absolutely standard to feel this way. It's a hallmark of being in a relationship with a narcissist. You're completely normal, and this isn't about you lacking anything or being to blame.

Your concerns about him being with another woman; what you are seeing is what he is. He will be this in all his relationships. He will be Mr Perfect until they trust that he is Mr Perfect (as he did with you), and then he'll start to betray their trust and get them to blame themselves (just like he has with you)

Narcissists are not capable of ever being in a healthy relationship.

Well he is kind of right - you haven't said anything complimentary about him and we r all getting vibes you don't want to be in the relationship. He may be a narcissist, but you also need to be straight with him and if the relationship isn't working you need to tell him and leave if that's what you want.

Everything he does matches a pattern- when you recognise that it will be easier to understand- he's not special, you aren't the problem, sadly it's a really familiar pattern of abuse.

DARVO- Deny, Accuse, Reverse victim and offender.

You are upset- he Denies he's the problem, he Accuses you of the behaviour. He's reversed the situation and turned the Victim (you) into the Offender, turning himself (Offender) into the victim.

Honestly there's no reasoning with this, just quietly organise yourself to leave. You need to ask on the relationship board about 'getting your ducks in a row'- gathering what you need to successfully get away. Things like finance paperwork, passports, ID etc.

Do you have a child?
Do you work?
Do you both own the house, is it his, are you renting?

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse

Have a look at this, see if you recognise anything.

Look up the Mumsnet Stately Home thread.

OP if he's a narc does it make a difference? FWIW he probably is, but let's imagine he's not.

Does that make anything at all better? Would it be better to know that he could change, but won't?

You are actually in a better position now that before you posted, although it may not feel that way yet.

You know that he's not willing or able to change. You know that this is it. This will be your life forever. It's horrible to have to be in this situation, but now you have the power to decide what you want for your future.

And here's the thing with narcs. They will always find their next victim. Always. So if you leave and he finds someone else and it's all super happy, don't forget that this is HIM. He's not a narc because of you, that's all him. So yes, she'll be in a bubble of love..and then she won't be. Because he's simply not going to be changing how he treats someone he thinks can't escape.

And btw you'd be completely abnormal to live with this behaviour and emerge with a high self esteem and self confidence!! Feeling shit is an absolutely normal response to his treatment.

But you don't have to accept living like this forever.

Honestly I can guarantee you are not the nasty one from reading your posts. The fact you’re reflecting and questioning your own behaviour shows you have a conscience and are not nasty. Self doubt and feeling like you’re going crazy is a symptom of dealing with the emotional abuse a narcissist dishes out. My ex was so similar it’s scary. Never ever listened even when we were talking about general stuff, he would look through me and clearly be in his own world. When a relative died and I needed support he just sat and spoke about his achievements at work that day. Whenever I brought up a problem in the relationship I would be told to ‘stop bashing’ him or that I was ‘assassinating his character’ I was made to feel really mean as though I was always picking at him and bringing him down when in fact the reality was the total opposite. He would often say to me in an argument that he feels as though he couldn’t trust me at all despite me never ever putting a foot out of line.
Narcissists project all of their insecurities and bad traits on to you. Listen carefully to his words and the way he describes you and you’ll find he’s actually describing himself.
You need to leave this relationship, it will never get better. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with someone like this. It’s torture but you can leave and you must remember this isn’t you.

My ex has, at the very least, narc traits, but I think it's worse than that.

I left after 30 years, and I so, so wish it had been sooner, and before the DC. They are the only things I don't regret about being with my ex.

We've all suffered MH issues and 3 years on are recovering well.

I got sorted, packed and DC and I left in secret. It wasn't easy, and I learned a lot about myself in the process, including that I'm far stronger than I thought.

OP, your H sounds like my ex, and you sound like you feel you no longer want to be married. I'd consider LTB, in your position.

I do think it is an overused term though sed to label anyone who another person doesn,t like. Slightly Authorative, your a narcissist, Slights controlling your narcissist. loose your temper easily, your a narcissist.

June I disagree, but whatever.

Narcissism isn’t actually that rare, and it follows a very set pattern. There are plenty of them about and they’re pretty easy to identify once you know what you’re looking for.

@june2007 It may be used wrongly by some people but it's a very specific pattern of behaviour, to which OP's partner is conforming. Are you saying that you don't think he is a narcissist, or just making a broader statement about the usage of the label?

It,s just used a lot on MN. I think sometimes overuse of a term can actually be damaging as it can undermine someone who really is living/controlled by a narcicist.

Sorry I'm not meaning to undermine anybody, especially people living in this situation! I asked the question because I've been told before but for me, I struggle to understand a lot of things and therefore wanted to see what other people who may have been in this situation feels like and if they had any advice!
No, I'm not happy, but believe me, if I could find a way to make my marriage work - I would be doing it!!
I've tried to talk to him, share my problems, see what we can change, but so far nothing has worked..
Thank you everybody who has provided me advice and support.

June Well as OP seems to be most definitely with one, I think it's safe to say this isn't the place to come with your doubts about overuse of the term, when OP is already so full of self-doubt. Best to start another thread if you want to start that discussion.

OP your instincts are correct. The more you read the more they'll be confirmed. He will never confirm it except by proving it all the time, because he can't do otherwise.

I think what strikes me here is that you've is that you've identified the problems and want to work at them. Hes not interested in them as they're not important to him.

God, sounds like a tough life OP. I think the lack of empathy and understanding of your feelings suggests something is not right. You know it too. How many chances does one person get?

OP I could have written each one of your posts word for word. Been married for six years and been miserable for at least 5. A part of me identifies that I was looking for a way out from living with my narcissistic father! If you would ever like to vent or just talk, you can always PM me

Hi. Sorry I've caught up with all responses. Thank you all for your support, I'm really struggling tonight.
Yes we have 2 children together, but don't own our home.
I think I'm just being hopeful that something between us will change and it will all become better. Maybe I'm stupid.
I appreciate the responses all the same, however to the poster who stated I have nothing nice to say about him, at this moment in time, no sadly I don't because today was just another long day of parenting myself, housekeeping myself, feeling very lonely, being snapped at and made to feel like I'm a failure.. So I can only apologise - but I'm feeling pretty pissed off at him.

Not easy. They are quite self absorbed its all about them. Would find my mam in mood if not done her way. Dont know op they quite hard work. Feel for u.

And no. Not working, I'm third year of a degree. He works but is furloughed.

So it's going to take a bit of planning to get out then.

It will become easier for you emotionally when you realise that this is it, he won't change, you don't need to wait and hope he will. When you let go of that hope, that desire for him to love you like he used to/like he should, he loses his power over you. When he senses that's happening he might love bomb you again, persuade you to stay. But nothing will have changed.

If it helps, garner as much info about narcissistic traits from here and other sources ppl have suggested. Then get some legal advice. Carry on the Grey Rock technique with him, and work out what you want to do going forward.

You’ll get loads of help and advice here. They twist you into knots. I suffer from a number of health problems and I KNOW they stem from the stress in my marriage.

You may also consider asking MN to move this thread across to Relationships.