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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To divorce a man I love?

58 replies

RupaulsHagface · 01/06/2020 20:54

Quick story, had suspected some kind of affair for about 6 months, discovered message on his phone, confronted he said just a friend, packed a bag and left after 24 years. Came back 2 days later and cleared house of all his stuff, no explanation, blocked me everywhere (kids are both over 20 so he corresponds direct).

We have no communication other than kids telling me lies he has said about my character, very hurtful things. I have been left broken hearted as i thought he was a good man, and I believe he was for the majority of our relationship, really good husband and devoted to his family.

It seems he has had some mid life crisis and decided he doesn't want me anymore, his friend is married (I found this out from my son) and unlikely they will be together.

He lives on his own now and according to kids is very down and sad, but he has never in these 5 months reached out or asked if I am ok, no texts, nothing.

I filed for divorce on the basis of unreasonable behaviour, I am awaiting decree Nisi.

My AIBU is a friend has been very rude to me and said if I loved him like I said I would never file for divorce as if you live someone you couldn't do it.

The truth is, he gave me no closure, I have to make my own, I love him very much, but he doesn't love me and he isn't coming back. Am I wrong to try and make a line in the sand for my own mental health? I am grieving the relationship and he has become a stranger, nothing like the man I knew.

Am I wrong to divorce a man I love so I can try and heal and not be sitting for years waiting for more hurt when divorce papers land on my doormat?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 01/06/2020 20:57

My AIBU is a friend has been very rude to me and said if I loved him like I said I would never file for divorce as if you live someone you couldn't do it.

Diehard Catholic? Tammy Wynette fan?

She's not your friend in any case. Lose her AND the husband.

Mumoblue · 01/06/2020 20:58

Your friend is talking out of their arse, ignore them.
It is obvious that people can and do love people who hurt them, physically or emotionally. Your husband has hurt you and you need to heal. It's natural that you still feel some love, but you're absolutely doing the right thing by trying to move forward.

makingmammaries · 01/06/2020 21:00

YANBU. You need to go ahead with the divorce. Sorry for your painful situation.

formerbabe · 01/06/2020 21:00

That's a really bizarre thing for your friend to say Confused

Choice4567 · 01/06/2020 21:01

Does your friend have an answer for the fact the your ex clearly doesn’t love you? People that love someone should never do what he did to you and you shouldn’t have to suffer endlessly because of what he did

EspressoPatronum · 01/06/2020 21:02

Of course yanbu. Your 'friend' is being a dick.

MissB83 · 01/06/2020 21:03

Regardless of whether you love someone or not, if they don't treat you in a way that you would like to be treated (or should be treated) then you don't need to go back to them or stay with them. Your friend is wrong.

Merryoldgoat · 01/06/2020 21:05

Your friend is an idiot. Your husband is a cowardly twat who doesn’t deserve your love.

Divorce and move on with your life.

Curiosity101 · 01/06/2020 21:09

It's been 5 months, he knows where you are and has effectively just upped and left with no explanation so I completely disagree with your friend. If you felt it was the right thing to pursue communication, suggest counseling, etc then that is what you would have done. You know a lot more than anyone else about your situation so you will have made the right decision.

I've never been through what you're going through, and I'd bet your friend hasn't either, but I personally believe that we can never know what's best for someone else. They need to decide that for themselves. I'm also not sure I'd want to be friends with someone who thought it was ok to say something like your 'friend' said to you.

I can understand your need for closure. I think it sounds brave and very dignified how you've handled things. The divorce will hopefully give you what you need. I hope this does close this chapter for you and allow you to move forwards and start fresh with whatever you want to do next.

Hoppinggreen · 01/06/2020 21:11

Mil says that Dh father was and still is the love of her life.
She divorced him over 30 years ago and has had several long term relationships since but would never remarry because of DH father. When he died 15 years ago she was distraught, despite not seeing him for years.
She says he wasn’t any good for her and being together would have destroyed her and the dc but that she will always love him
You can love someone but know it’s not good for you (and possibly him) to be together.
Ignore your “friend “

isthismylifenow · 01/06/2020 21:12

So your friend thinks you should just hang around until his mlc is over and he's had his fun and then everything will be OK because you love him Confused

You are doing exactly the right thing. Hes probably appearing depressed as he now realised you've moved on.

Good for you OP.

Original poster
RupaulsHagface · 01/06/2020 21:12

Thank you all, most appreciated, I think I was just taken aback. I mean I would rather be happily married to a man that loved me, but that's not an option on the table!

I appreciate the responses, I couldn't think of anything to respond at the time, but I do now, thank you

OP posts:
Mnthrowaway20202 · 01/06/2020 21:13

Your friend needs to stfu

If you love someone, you’ll let them go if they’re happier without you

If you love yourself, you’ll leave if they make you unhappy

Pinkypink · 01/06/2020 21:18

Your friend is a twat -and not a friend.
Sorry for all you are going through.

Immigrantsong · 01/06/2020 21:22

I think you are very strong and doing the right thing.

Lucywilde · 01/06/2020 21:28

Your friend is not a friend. Quite often people don’t get closure. I had a long term relationship end, no explanation but strongly suspect there was someone else. I cut off contact, I don’t know if he would’ve contacted me. It was very hard but I deserved better and so do you. Sometimes those we love just aren’t good enough for us.

matchboxtwentyunwell · 01/06/2020 21:38

She's no friend.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP.

At least your children saw through his lies and see him for the sad soul he is.

I hope you find happiness moving forward.

B0bbin · 01/06/2020 21:43

He's ended it with his terrible behaviour, not even being civil. You're just doing what you have to do.

WhiteWriting · 01/06/2020 21:45

He's a cunt and she's a knob. HTH.

Dowser · 01/06/2020 21:46

Been there
Yes do it.
You don’t need a friend like that either

PasserbyEffect · 01/06/2020 21:48

@MissB83

Regardless of whether you love someone or not, if they don't treat you in a way that you would like to be treated (or should be treated) then you don't need to go back to them or stay with them. Your friend is wrong.
This. You deserve better.
PissOffStayAtHomeDogMum · 01/06/2020 21:53

Shocking behaviour from your so-called friend, OP (and from your husband, while we're at it).

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Flowers

category12 · 01/06/2020 21:55

Your friend is nuts.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 01/06/2020 22:00

I’m sorry your friend is not supporting you as she should. A very foolish and unkind remark to make.

Sparklesocks · 01/06/2020 22:01

Your friend is incredibly small minded and clearly doesn’t understand the nuances of relationships. It’s not always as simple as loving someone.

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