To divorce a man I love?

[RupaulsHagface]

Quick story, had suspected some kind of affair for about 6 months, discovered message on his phone, confronted he said just a friend, packed a bag and left after 24 years. Came back 2 days later and cleared house of all his stuff, no explanation, blocked me everywhere (kids are both over 20 so he corresponds direct).

We have no communication other than kids telling me lies he has said about my character, very hurtful things. I have been left broken hearted as i thought he was a good man, and I believe he was for the majority of our relationship, really good husband and devoted to his family.

It seems he has had some mid life crisis and decided he doesn't want me anymore, his friend is married (I found this out from my son) and unlikely they will be together.

He lives on his own now and according to kids is very down and sad, but he has never in these 5 months reached out or asked if I am ok, no texts, nothing.

I filed for divorce on the basis of unreasonable behaviour, I am awaiting decree Nisi.

My AIBU is a friend has been very rude to me and said if I loved him like I said I would never file for divorce as if you live someone you couldn't do it.

The truth is, he gave me no closure, I have to make my own, I love him very much, but he doesn't love me and he isn't coming back. Am I wrong to try and make a line in the sand for my own mental health? I am grieving the relationship and he has become a stranger, nothing like the man I knew.

Am I wrong to divorce a man I love so I can try and heal and not be sitting for years waiting for more hurt when divorce papers land on my doormat?

Your friend is an idiot, YANBU at all!

Does your friend think that you should nail your stbx’s feet to the floor so that he has to stay with you or something? He left and won’t be coming back so divorce is your only option.

You deserve a gold and a round of applause, OP, for doing what I wish SO MANY people i know IRL and posters on MN would do. Bloody well done you and I hope if the day comes that I’m in the same situation I’ll be brave enough to do the right thing as well.

Your “friend” clearly doesn’t love you as much as you love yourself.

Fair play to you for pushing for some kind of closure and so sorry this has happened to you. Not sure what planet your er’friend’ is on but in what universe is her opinion on this any help to you? Good luck

Yes, yanbu, it's your only realIistic option as waiting around is dormat-ish. You'd be a stop gap for him if he ever ever came back until the next woman looks at him. He wouldn't even respect you so you need to
respect yourself.

He doesn't love you anymore and he left you and couldn't even talk to you about it, or try to make it softer. That's cold, after so many years together.

You deserve closure and to find a man that does love who you are, respects you and wants to be exclusive with YOU!

Life is moving on and the world is turning, you can't stop it by shouting at the sun not to rise.Divorce. Mourn the end of your marriage. Give yourself time. And one day find a new fresh life where you're not second to anyone and what you want matters 🥰

You can't do that staying married to a ghost,

Your 'friend' is an idiot and has watched too many tragic films about unrequited love . It's not romantic, it's stupid. You have one life so
Live it! You'll find that is your closure and it'll be "DH -who?" in a few years a time.

(

So you should pour your heart and soul into loving someone who doesn't even treat you with respect? Fuck that! You're doing the right thing. Divorce him and get rid of that "friend" and go and live the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy

What a sad situation. Rather a naive friend, does she not understand the shades of grey (not the book) in all relationships?

I divorced a man I loved. I did not love the life he gave me or the way I was feeling being married to him. The marriage failed. Love is not enough.
It was hard to understand this because of the lifelong messages of "love is what counts".
Your friend is wrong.
You only have one life.

He changed and is no longer the man you love. You do not love the man he has become.
The man you loved us gone.

Allow yourself to mourn the loss and then divorce him as you know you must.
for you OP.
It’s sad but your friend is deluded and not a good friend.

Your “friend” clearly doesn’t love you as much as you love yourself.

Beautifully put and exactly right, I'd be distancing myself from that friend if I were you OP, you can do better

Ditch the horrible pair.

You sound lovely tho, sorry you’re having such a crappy time

I’m 2 years further down the line than you. Absolute hit the door mat last month.
2 years ago on my birthday My exh got up and said he was leaving. No reason no explanation just he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. He came round 1 week later and we spent 3 hours discussing our marriage of 20+ years and all the finances. 3 hours that’s all he was prepared to spend. I knew then there was no going back.
Friends were shock I didn’t fight but I knew he didn’t want me anymore and somehow I found self respect didn’t beg or plead And Just let him go.
He did say some hugely hurtful things such as he hadn’t been happy in our house, we lived there 15 years. It was as if he’d changed over night.
I set the divorce process off I needed to know the finances were sorted and pension would be shared. I did it for my self respect.
You have to do what’s right for you. Be strong. Make your own closure. If you ask him why he’ll just say cruel things to you. Don’t let him hurt you and learn to live again. It’s not easy but it can be done.
My children say I’m happier than him. I’m on my own Enjoying making my own decisions. He’s busy trying to keep up with a girlfriend 18 years younger And her two young children. He’s also missing out on An adult relationship with his own children.
Total midlife crisis on his part.

Your friend is an idiot. Why would you choose to stay married to someone who isn’t showing you love and who you can’t even converse with?! It’s called you having self-respect and knowing your worth! It’s baffling that she thinks true love means staying married for the sake of it despite any old crap. Marriage is a union! If it’s one-sided it’s not a union!

He walked out the door. You have every right to close it behind him.

If he has checked out of the marriage there is very little you can do about it. He showed you who he really is by leaving. It sucks but it is survivable.

Could he be depressed. Could he think that if you loved him you would have not suspected unfaithfulness? Have you tried to make contact and been ignored or are you both digging your heels in? That would be my biggest concern, that he was having a mental health crisis and I had offered no support.

Your friend is a muppet.

Part of you can still love your husband for the times you have shared and the children you have raised, while another part of you recognises that you have to divorce him for your own well being and self respect.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

You get one life. Well done for choosing yours.

You can love someone but know it’s not good for you (and possibly him) to be together.
Ignore your “friend “

Good advice.

Give yourself the chance to grieve and learn to move on. Not to divorce him would be like keeping a wound open instead of letting it heal.

I'm so sorry this has happened, but you are doing the right thing to let him go.

You are so doing the right thing. My friend has been living a nightmare for a year while her husband decides if he wants to stay or go. I beg her to cut the tie, but she just can’t, and it is destroying her.

YANBU, especially as he's being nasty about you.

Someone once claimed to me about an ex, that if I'd really loved him I'd still love him, despite how he acted.

I think it's healthy that if someone's treated you badly the love fades, or at the very least you stop having only positive feelings about the person.

Love doesn't mean putting up with any old shit, anyway.

Divorce or something can be a way of affirming to yourself that how he treated you is not ok, and you'll feel better about yourself for it.

Refusing to divorce someone who doesn't want to be with you is not a proof of love...
And you love yourself too.
You sound like you are doing amazingly in such a difficult and sad situation. Keep going.

So sorry you are going through this. Sadly l think you have to put yourself first and take control of this awful situation-leave him to lick his wounds whilst you try and rebuild your life which will start by divorcing him.

You shouldn't love anyone more than you love yourself (with the possible exception of your children and even then you have to balance your needs too!) and part of loving yourself is not allowing someone even someone who you love to treat you badly.

Remember that Ru

If your friend doesn't understand that then more fool her and shame on her for for putting more stress and upset on you when you've already got so much.

Why do you give a fuck about what your friend thinks? Fuck her, her opinion is irrelevant in this situation. You do what is best for you.

OP you are absolutely doing the right thing ..
Your friend is no help at all - get rid.
Good luck ..

@Butchyrestingface

Funniest comment I’ve read on MN in a long time. Tammy Wynette fan 😂😂
You have really made me rofl 🤣 after a hard day / thank you