Ugly bride

[Ugliestbrideinthewholewideworl]

My wedding was a few years ago now but it still plays on my mind.

No-one told me I looked nice on my wedding day. Not my husband, not my mother (more concerned with her own appearance, and she did look wonderful), none of the guests.

Our make-up artist put pictures on her social media of my beautiful bridesmaids but not me. Our photographer didn't put up photos of us on social media, despite her doing it for every other wedding and despite us getting married at a lovely venue. I can only assume I spoiled the photos.

I know I sound so self-pitying, but AIBU to hope that maybe I'm not as ugly as I think I am? I'm trying so hard to be a positive role model for my daughters but I just cringe whenever I see myself and I think that my wedding was the start of everything going downhill.

Thanks very much

Everyone is focusing on whether you did/didn’t look beautiful on your wedding day (I’m sure you did) but honestly I think a bigger issue is that your husband never compliments you or tells you he loves you, and he never tells his daughters he loves them either. Does he compliment them? Not about their looks necessarily but does he tell them they’re brave, clever, smart, funny etc? Does he say he’s proud of them? Does he ever say he likes you top or your haircut is nice or that was a great meal you cooked or well done for how you handled that situation at work or whatever it might be?

Is he a good husband? Does he make you feel supported and loved even if he doesn’t say it?

Please do not equate other people’s behaviour with your self worth. I had a lovely wedding day, but MIL called me by my husbands ex wife’s name twice the day before and on the day, and there were moments when I felt quite lonely and nobody seemed to be talking to me.

Cut your own niche, i’m not a beauty by any stretch, but I am kind. I teach my kids to be kind to people and animals. I tell them that being kind is more important than most other things.

If I was to die tomorrow, they wouldn’t say I was glamorous and beautiful, they would say I was ‘cuddly’; sweaty and mucky from gardening, I rescued spiders from the bath and paddling pool and I danced in the kitchen with them and spun them around (maybe that I shouted too much too), and that’s just fine by me.

My mum used to say to me when I was down and a teenager ‘is there anyone else that you know, that you’d rather be?’ There never was, some were beautiful, some were clever - but no one had everything.

Read this

www.goodreads.com/book/show/39926.The_Beauty_Myth

I think most women loathe how they look and their imperfections. You are who you are and you will look back on your younger self and wonder what you worried about. Please don't dwell on this as will affect your happiness.

Please try and find your own happiness and find it for your children.

OP has made me feel so sad. What selfish bastards in your life.

Looks mean nothing in the end. Some of the nastiest people I've known have been the most "attractive" looking. It's like they never bothered developing an actual personality. Instead they are just painfully insecure and addicted to other people's approval. Never mind the amount of time and money wasted primping themselves up.

Anyway the point is I am sure you are a good person and a fabulous mum. It hurts not to have those pics but it's only 1 day of your life. The rest of your life is much more important and you're rocking it.

Totally agree with AliasGrape. The op has told us that her DH never compliments her or says he loves her, or says he loves his daughters.

Unless he's extremely good at showing his love in other ways, I'd be reassessing my entire relationship.

The whole thread is weird in the light of the DHs behavior. Op, is your relationship a strong and happy one?

You know I'm not sure whether anyone said I looked beautiful on my wedding day. But I loved it all.

And I'm divorced!

My late grandmother had one tiny passport size photo of me behind an ornament couldn’t see my face! However my sister older by 6 years was all over in posh frames etc, I asked her why she didn’t have a picture of me on the wall? Her reply!! (Iv not had a good enough one of you yet) I was 8 yo.

Fast Forward to my teenager years I suffered really bad with ache I was bullied at school and felt so ugly I had a school photo taken and I was very spotty on it and it was upsetting. I took it home and my grandmother took one look and said with a twisted face (we will bye one when your face clears up)

I asked my grandmother over the years why she favoured my sister her reply was (she was born first) so it wasn’t a don’t be silly darling it was so blatantly obvious. As you can imagine the scars this has left me are real, and I’m not close to my sister at all, I think she drove A wedge over the years so much so it couldn’t be repaired.

I hate myself in pictures I check out every feature and the slightest fault I will delete,I still think people are looking at my old acne face people say I’m pretty but I don’t feel it. Moral of the story is emotional abuse can do more damage then physical. I’m 35 now grandmother died years ago so I have healed slowly

P.s I’m always worried about what other people’s say I.e if house not perfect or I have roots or the kids are up later etc etc always feel judged

Ahh I feel so sad reading this
I'm sure you looked beautiful though

I hate all but 3 wedding photos.. My foundation was orange despite telling make up artist several times (usually don't wear any) and my dress broke.. You know in your head or Pinterest you see beautiful couples and photos..i couldn't wait I thought I would have lovely photos but actually we have crazy grins because we were too happy to care how to pose or if my face is good at this angle or close my mouth to smile..

Our wedding was tarnished by a couple of family members / issues but we said we would like to do a vow renewal in the future so any future children can be part of it and I've saved a little to redo some photos to actually love.. Hopefully!

Maybe that's an option?

I'm sorry you feel sad about it, hugs

Did nobody every teach you true beauty comes from within? Some people are beautiful until they open their mouths!! Looks are so low on my list of priorities , it is all about the person you are xx

Some people are so self absorbed, it says more about them than you. Its hurtful that no one said how lovely you looked, every bride deserves a compliment and I have honestly never seen any bride who didnt look amazing so I'm sure looked amazing too 💐
No idea why the wedding photographer selected bridesmaid photos for their website but i wouldn't read too much into it, maybe they were trying to illustrate a range of different style photos for their website.
Try not to worry about it, have you spoken to DH or a close friend about how you feel?

My mil didn’t say I looked nice at my wedding & went over the top complimenting my sister on how good she looked. She asked me if i was too hot & if that’s why my dress is falling down-it wasn’t. I’m sure you looked beautiful at your wedding!

People are such arses at weddings. I honestly wish we hadn't wasted so much money on the whole Pantomime where virtually nobody made the effort to talk to us & my MIL & SIL didn't utter a word to me all day. SIL sat there with a jealous face like a smacked arse & didn't even pretend to care about the marriage. We've been NC since. I'm sure you looked amazing OP.

@Tinysarah1985

At a family wedding a few years ago my mother came out with a classic "oh your cousin looks so much prettier than you did on your wedding day" I didn't know what to say so just walked off. I can still hear it know when I look in the mirror

Honestly that’s just made me feel really sad. I’m sure she was just being thoughtless and didn’t actually think it- but what a thing to stay. And to the lady who hadn’t any photos of her with her DC - your DC is the one who will cherish those one day and they won’t be looking at you critically, you’ll look perfect to them. Gutted for people who’ve had such awful experiences.

Let's see a pic op and we can all say how stunning you look.
FFS

I haven't a clue what you look like OP but if you are unusually ugly, you obviously have enough intelligence, wit, charm and/or a kind heart that your husband realised how special you are.

My dd is a dancer and, through her father, very pretty, but she has just had one relationship after another with abusive men. That is in part because she attracts very superficial men

@Coyoacan, that must be so hard for you all. My heart goes out to you and I hope she manages to find someone who treats her kindly.

And I'm sorry to all of you with tales of your wedding days or family unkindness. It's so undeserved in every case.

My husband is very supportive but definitely more in a logistical sense than an emotional one! So sometimes when I'm very tired, for example, he'll take the girls out on his own for a couple of hours -unprompted by me - so I can relax a bit. I think it would be unfair of me to ask him to be more demonstrative with his emotions as he finds it very hard.

Contrary to one pp, who never even got a decent haircut from her mother, my mother has always taught me that it's all about appearance. She could be quite critical when I was younger, to the point of telling a teenage me that I was a fat as a cow and needed to go on a diet, and when I've had boy trouble telling me to make myself more beautiful to make it go away. She is doing her best to help me, but it's taking me a long time to unlearn that beauty isn't the most important thing.

She wasn't doing her best to help you ! No wonder you struggle to feel attractive! That programming as a child is so v hard to overcome. I was constantly told I was fat by my brothers who were typical lads . No real malice but my parents never stopped it and my mother was worried I would end up big like her so she constantly commented on my weight thinking it would shame me into staying slim I suppose. Really it was an expression of her dislike of her own body.
Well it left me with major issues and I have struggled to accept myself my whole life. Eating disorders , self loathing etc . It has been a struggle to overcome it all but I made it in the end .
Your husband obviously loves you and shows it by doing practical things but could you try to explain you need to hear it once in a while ?
As for your mother well all I can say is work on loving yourself including your looks because you deserve that. I look back at photos of myself as a young woman and do you know what I was a v attractive girl but I could never see it at all. I thought I was the ugliest person alive ! It is sad ! Don't make that mistake. Wishing you every happiness and well done on breaking the cycle with your girls. I managed to do that as well and they are adults now who are beautiful confident women. That makes me v happy.

Ps when I say beautiful I mean in every sense. They are confident in themselves and relaxed about how they look . I don't see any of the self hatred I had and that makes me so happy.

Why do you feel that your wedding was the start of everything going downhill? That's a very strong statement - which appears to have got lost amongst all the responses about your appearance.

[NB: You might want to read The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden.]

I think this has all been made worse by 2 things: your mother taught you that looks were so important and also dented your confidence when you were younger, which means when you feel rubbish you blame your looks. And your dh is rubbish at compliments.

He clearly loves you because of his actions. My dh doesnt give a lot of compliments, especially the moments I need them most like when we are dressed up going somewhere. I cant explain it. It's just not very 'him' and I've noticed his family dont do it a lot. They're all very confident and there's a lot of banter between them. Occasionally it upsets me but its more thoughtlessness than him being a terrible person. He builds me up in other ways, like encouraging me to go for jobs or dropping work to support me at difficult hospital appointments.

Move on from the wedding and if your dh's behaviour is affecting your confidence then talk to him but dont let your mothers obsession with looks continue to make you unhappy.

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden might be a useful read for you, OP.

Everyone, without exception, has aspects of themself that are beautiful. Not everyone looks like whoever the latest celeb influencer is, of course. Not everyone has the face and figure that matches what is considered 'beautiful' at this moment in time, in this culture. But every person has something about them. A shade of their hair, a tilt in their shoulders, the look in their eyes, a stately nose, voluptuous curves, pink cheeks, cute crooked teeth, a sideways smile. There is always, always a quality in a person that is beautiful and wonderful. You'll have seen it in people you love. If you look closely you can see it in anyone. You have this too. I promise you

That's really lovely!

Can't believe some of the nasty tactless things people have had said to them. Made me remember my brother coming round the day after I had my third child, he walked in, took one look at my stomach and said fucking hell you've not got another in there already have you! He also regularly asks if I'm sure dd is mine because she's so beautiful and I'm obviously not.

@ItsSpittingEverybodyIn he sounds lovely. 🤨