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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have to skirt around my own baby's sex?!

106 replies

022828MAN · 01/06/2020 07:46

DH and I found out the sex of our baby 4 weeks ago. We hadn't really spoken to MIL or FIL since, but yesterday MIL popped round and had a catch up in our garden. She asked how the 20 week scan went and just as I was about to say yes all is looking well and the sonographer said he looked healthy, she said 'oh I don't want to know the sex though'. So I then spent the next 20 mins talking about 'it or them' when DH and I (and me and my friends and my DM) have been referring to him as he.
When she left to dh I said if I see her again I'm not going to go out of my way to not say he as it just felt weird and like I am being made to jump through hoops for something I don't really see is her decision to make really.
WIBU to just say the next time she or FIL asks 'yes he's been kicking lots...' or something similar?
Fully prepared to be told I'm BU but MIL has form for controlling behaviour and I just feel like this is another way of making me feel uncomfortable just talking about something naturally which actually has nothing to do with her?

OP posts:
missyoumuch · 01/06/2020 10:15

She’s had her own babies, it’s not her surprise. Do as you like OP. Trust me when the baby arrives she’ll be trying on all sorts and you need to start practicing how to be assertive.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/06/2020 10:25

I don't think it's about 'surprise', I think it's probably about caution; awareness that you don't have a baby, of either sex, until after that baby has been born.

Still not her decision to make but understandable. (Did she know someone who had a late MC or a stillbirth? Might she have done? It might be worth asking gently about the reasons for her reticence).

Or she might just be enjoying the anticipation. Or being a drama llama. You know her better than we do.

Cocobean30 · 01/06/2020 10:31

It’s not their choice, it’s yours! Just let it slip

roarfeckingroar · 01/06/2020 10:38

I have this but with my fiancé the baby's father! He doesn't want to know. I do, so I found out. It's been surprisingly easy to manage so far and I haven't slipped, but then I respect his wishes because it's his baby too. If it was grandparents to be, sorry but no. They've had their go. The idea of a surprise really annoys me in general. It's a baby - it'll be a boy or a girl - not much of a surprise. Not like if you could potentially birth a puppy.

draughtycatflap · 01/06/2020 10:40

When speaking to the MIL just replace all the baby pronouns with three loud wolf howls - in her face. Every time. She’ll soon get pissed off!

EastMidsMumOf1 · 01/06/2020 10:45

All 3 pregnancies my DM has acted strange when I found out the sex!
Always some mantra about "it's one of the best surprises in life why spoil it" Hmm
Each time I've still just been honest and not beat around the bush, they've had their time of "surprises" so why make the expecting mother feel uncomfortable!

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 01/06/2020 10:45

My fil was like this 'in my day people didn't find out until baby was born, it was a lovely surprise' yes thankyou fil but 30+ years later is MY time and we chose to find out at the 20 week scan and it was still a surprise!

Grandmi · 01/06/2020 10:47

My husband didn’t want to know the sex of our third child so I just referred to him as the baby...it was actually quite easy .

june2007 · 01/06/2020 10:58

Why is it so hard not to mention baby,s gender around the mil. If your mum said the same would you respect her wish? I think YABU let her have the element of surprise, you chose not to, but you don,t need to make that choice for her.

Superscientist · 01/06/2020 11:03

I would go somewhere down the middle and try not to deliberately use gendered pronouns but not fret about slipping up or being overly concerned about your language. I would also tell other members of the family and have whatever conversations I wanted with them but let them know that your mil doesn't want to know before the birth.

MadameMeursault · 01/06/2020 11:05

If my MIL had asked that I would have indulged her. Why spoil things for her if she’s looking forward to a surprise? She’s probably really excited about her grandchild. You sound like you don’t like her much, which is a shame.

Original poster
022828MAN · 01/06/2020 11:10

As others have said, it's still the same surprise whether she finds out now or at birth.
And in answer to whether I'd be the same with me mum - yes completely, I'd easily be able to say 'don't be daft, it's a boy'.
But my DM wouldn't be so strange. She knew it was something we were excited about and chose to share in that excitement, not prevent us from sharing it with those closest to us.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 01/06/2020 11:19

Maybe have some fun. Next time you see her be wearing a pink and a blue sock, swap to a pink top or a blue hoody... Keep her guessing!!
My mil also didn't want to know. After our scans we always went shopping and dropped suitably telling items on the table..
She hated me regardless so why would I tip toe around her? Urgh..

Lockdownsucks · 01/06/2020 11:21

I dont really see what issue is, some people just like a surprise

EL8888 · 01/06/2020 11:23

It’s not all about her. Does she have form for wanting things to be about her and what she wants etc? Crack on and do what you want

BlueJava · 01/06/2020 11:25

I'd definitely say "he" - it's ridiculous to try and skirt round it just for one person. If she kicks off about not having a surprise just say something like "Oh well, it's never definitely until they are here anyway haha" then continue to use he/him!

saraclara · 01/06/2020 11:27

It's fine for her to want the surprise, but entirely unrealistic. If she has any contact at all with other relatives and mutual friends, there's no way at all that no-one will slip up, and it's unfair on all of them to be put under that pressure.

Again, there's no need to be cruel about it. Just say:
"I know you'd love it to be a surprise, but it just isn't practical. With the best will in the world, now we and our other friends and relatives know, one of us is bound to slip up and say he or she by accident. And I don't want to have to hide things from you when I'm buying things for the nursery. Would you prefer us to tell you properly, or to find out by accident? I'm easy either way."

hardboiledeggs · 01/06/2020 11:33

My mother in law did the same thing. I told her that she would be the only one that wouldn't know the sex and I would not be hiding it during discussion. In the end she caved and we told her. It your baby your choice.

Crunchymum · 01/06/2020 11:37

and the sonographer said he looked healthy

I don't get it? You told her the baby was a "he" so she knows??

Marsalimay · 01/06/2020 11:38

Why don't you point out how it's impossible for you not to use pronouns, and how would she like it dealt with? E.g. no baby-related talk?

Lazydaisydaydream · 01/06/2020 11:39

I think @saraclara wording is perfect. No nonsense but gives her the choice of finding out from you and joining in the excitement, or finding out accidentally and it being no-ones fault but her own.

For what it's worth I've never found out, but if I had there's no way I'd keep it a secret from anyone. Last pregnancy I felt like I was having a boy so tended to refer to the baby as him. When he was born I was right, and my MIL insists to everyone that I knew what I was having but tried to keep it a surprise!! You can never win Grin

ComDummings · 01/06/2020 11:46

just as I was about to say yes all is looking well and the sonographer said he looked healthy, she said 'oh I don't want to know the sex though'.

Crunchymum she didn’t say it, she was about to say it.

Original poster
022828MAN · 01/06/2020 11:48

and the sonographer said he looked healthy

I don't get it? You told her the baby was a "he" so she knows??

No, I said I was just about to answer with that when she said she didn't want to know the sex.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 01/06/2020 11:50

I didn't find out with DC1, but chose to ask with DC2.

Thing is, DM had come with me for the scan with DC2 as Ex hadn't been able to get time off work. (I still wonder if he'd even asked, give his behaviour over the years.)

DM said she didn't want to know, so left the scan room before I was told. When I left the room and met up with Mum, I accidentally let it slip but she chose to ignore that. I struggled with trying to remain gender neutral, and gave up eventually. Dad had asked for the sex as soon as mum had left the room, when we got home.

Muh2020 · 01/06/2020 11:53

YANBU.
She sounds like a right controlling mare.
Tell her to jog on and stop making problems for you.