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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have to skirt around my own baby's sex?!

106 replies

022828MAN · 01/06/2020 07:46

DH and I found out the sex of our baby 4 weeks ago. We hadn't really spoken to MIL or FIL since, but yesterday MIL popped round and had a catch up in our garden. She asked how the 20 week scan went and just as I was about to say yes all is looking well and the sonographer said he looked healthy, she said 'oh I don't want to know the sex though'. So I then spent the next 20 mins talking about 'it or them' when DH and I (and me and my friends and my DM) have been referring to him as he.
When she left to dh I said if I see her again I'm not going to go out of my way to not say he as it just felt weird and like I am being made to jump through hoops for something I don't really see is her decision to make really.
WIBU to just say the next time she or FIL asks 'yes he's been kicking lots...' or something similar?
Fully prepared to be told I'm BU but MIL has form for controlling behaviour and I just feel like this is another way of making me feel uncomfortable just talking about something naturally which actually has nothing to do with her?

OP posts:
thatonehasalittlecar · 01/06/2020 08:31

One of my parents didn’t want to know, and it was easy to keep it from them until the birth - plus I was happy to do so because it was something that mattered to them and not at all to me. I warned them that with the second it wasn’t going to be likely as we were telling my toddler, and of course they let slip, but I wouldn’t have actively gone against their wishes and told them myself. A genuine slip is one thing, but why deliberately do something that goes against their wishes? Unless there is a deeper history with your MIL (which you allude to when you describe her as controlling).

NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage · 01/06/2020 08:32

Aw, I think that's a bit sad. She wants a surprise and why not? I think you're being a bit mean, tbh.

PepeSkunk · 01/06/2020 08:35

It's too difficult that's why not! The OP has the right to talk about her own baby in the perfectly normal way that people talk about their babies.

ITonyah · 01/06/2020 08:37

I really love my MIL so I would have made a big effort to keep it a surprise for her. Why wouldn't you?

SallyLovesCheese · 01/06/2020 08:37

Yes, do just use his pronouns. It's not your MIL's decision and you don't want to have the stress of trying to avoid telling her for the next 4 months!

Original poster
022828MAN · 01/06/2020 08:40

Because its not really about her is it? She's had 3 children and didn't find out the sex with them and we chose to find out because we WANT to talk about it and I feel like I've formed a closer bond in my mind with him knowing his sex, thinking of names etc.
This pregnancy has been very different to my last with my daughter so it's something I've spoken to DM about (whether sex plays a part etc), we've asked other family their opinions on names, and BIL has just had a little boy a few weeks ago so would be nice to talk about their being another boy in the family etc.
It's not about me being mean, but it limits a lot of my normal conversation when people ask me how the pregnancy is going. It's a nice thing to talk about for me and DH and would be nice to share that without worrying about someone else's feelings about it.

OP posts:
PrincessHoneysuckle · 01/06/2020 08:41

Just tell her not to visit until the baby is born.Win win Grin

ITonyah · 01/06/2020 08:43

It's your relationship and your pregnancy. Once your baby is born and growing up they will have their own relationship with your MIL, so I suppose if you also want to be controlling now is the time to do it!

pictish · 01/06/2020 08:44

I agree with you OP. You’re not being unreasonable in the slightest.
Mil will just have to accept that it’s not about her on this occasion.

Mucklowe · 01/06/2020 08:47

Yet another example of a PIL trying to make it all about them! Infuriating. Tell her to wind her fucking neck in.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/06/2020 08:48

Oh I see. Is it a 'don't count your chickens' thing? Not wanting to talk about the baby as a 'person' until after it's safely been born? That's quite normal but up to the parents really.

Their parents can choose not to talk about the baby by name or sex but they can't force the parents themselves to talk (so think) in their preferred way.

ITonyah · 01/06/2020 08:50

I might be biased though as my sister was told she was having a girl and had a boy. I posted on here about it years and years ago.

Topseyt · 01/06/2020 08:52

Tell her it's a girl and watch her get all furious about knowing. Then when you give birth to your baby boy she'll certainly get a surprise.

bridgetreilly · 01/06/2020 08:52

It's absolutely your decision to talk about it freely, just as it would be your decision if you chose not to find out, or not to tell others. MIL doesn't get a say in that.

Iggi999 · 01/06/2020 08:53

Depending on her age, finding out the sex may not have been an option for her. I didn't choose to and am very much in the camp of not wanting to know in advance, but if it wasn't my pregnancy I wouldn't really get a say in it! I wouldn't just drop it in though I would say, look mil there's no way I can keep talking about the baby without mentioning the sex I know it to be, so I'm just going to tell you" and then tell her.

Brefugee · 01/06/2020 08:53

Congrats on the pregnancy, OP. As with all things related to your own person and life do what makes you comfortable.

as for this one
My very first scan the sonographer said "I don't like calling them it, so I call all babies he, don't read anything into it"

except the ingrained sexism....

ClaraLane · 01/06/2020 08:57

We had this with DH’s grandparents first time round and it was exhausting. I remember MIL panicking in case they came round when she’d done a load of washing for us and could tell from the pink babygros she’d bought us. This time they’re still saying the same thing but as we’ve not seen them because of lockdown it’s been easier. They’ll be finding out though because I’m pretty sure DD will let it slip!

pictish · 01/06/2020 09:00

@Topseyt

Tell her it's a girl and watch her get all furious about knowing. Then when you give birth to your baby boy she'll certainly get a surprise.
Ha ha...that’s wicked...but I like it.
1stTimeMama · 01/06/2020 09:00

I found out the sex this time, I usually dont, because my daughter was desperate for a sister. It is a girl, but I've not told her that, and my Mum would hate to know, so I've not said anything to anyone. I don't see the harm in keeping it all a nice surprise for her, so will carry on doing so.

Rhodri · 01/06/2020 09:02

YANBU, it’s ridiculous and controlling. When SIL was pregnant my MIL decided she didn’t want to know the sex. So that meant nobody else was allowed to know the sex either in case they let slip. SIL and BIL spent the entire pregnancy doing verbal gymnastics to avoid saying “him” and I was just incredibly annoyed because I wanted to know and didn’t see why MIL’s preference should selfishly prevent everyone else knowing. When I got pregnant I made sure to accidentally say “him” as soon as I found out.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 01/06/2020 09:03

My FIL would chirp in with “God willing” every time DH or I made a remark about the baby when I was pregnant with DC1. Every. Time.

Because every woman needs a constant reminder that her baby might die of course Hmm

Iggi999 · 01/06/2020 09:06

Terrible that's upsetting for you but from his perspective it was probably like touching wood or greeting a magpie - a way of warding off harm.

phoenixrosehere · 01/06/2020 09:14

Aw, I think that's a bit sad. She wants a surprise and why not? I think you're being a bit mean, tbh.

A bit mean not wanting to have to watch what you say about your own baby? Hmm

Why should OP have to call her baby “it”or some random nickname to appease one person? Other people already know it’s a boy and if they talk to mil and say “he” being used to saying it, them not knowing or forgetting that her mil didn’t want to know, is that going to be mean?

ComDummings · 01/06/2020 09:17

Oh God no don’t put up with that bollocks. Just refer to your baby as ‘he’ she will need to get over herself. Congratulations!

PersephoneandHades · 01/06/2020 09:17

Yanbu