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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have to skirt around my own baby's sex?!

106 replies

022828MAN · 01/06/2020 07:46

DH and I found out the sex of our baby 4 weeks ago. We hadn't really spoken to MIL or FIL since, but yesterday MIL popped round and had a catch up in our garden. She asked how the 20 week scan went and just as I was about to say yes all is looking well and the sonographer said he looked healthy, she said 'oh I don't want to know the sex though'. So I then spent the next 20 mins talking about 'it or them' when DH and I (and me and my friends and my DM) have been referring to him as he.
When she left to dh I said if I see her again I'm not going to go out of my way to not say he as it just felt weird and like I am being made to jump through hoops for something I don't really see is her decision to make really.
WIBU to just say the next time she or FIL asks 'yes he's been kicking lots...' or something similar?
Fully prepared to be told I'm BU but MIL has form for controlling behaviour and I just feel like this is another way of making me feel uncomfortable just talking about something naturally which actually has nothing to do with her?

OP posts:
derxa · 01/06/2020 09:23
Biscuit
monkeyonthetable · 01/06/2020 09:23

Just let it slip and if she kicks up a fuss, remind her that her knowing in advance is really not something worth getting upset about. There's plenty of worthier causes going on in the world if she fancies getting upset .

Babdoc · 01/06/2020 09:28

MIL has really set you up here, hasn’t she. If you “slip up” and reveal the sex, she can make you feel bad for upsetting her. And if you don’t, you will have spent months walking on eggshells monitoring your every word to avoid a reveal.
I wouldn’t go along with such mind games.
I’d simply tell her it’s a boy and that you aren’t prepared to silence all other family members and continually monitor your own speech for pronouns - it’s too exhausting and silly.

ScarletFever · 01/06/2020 09:32

@Brefugee

Congrats on the pregnancy, OP. As with all things related to your own person and life do what makes you comfortable.

as for this one
My very first scan the sonographer said "I don't like calling them it, so I call all babies he, don't read anything into it"

except the ingrained sexism....

wow - maybe to 50% of the other parents having a scan he said "she" maybe not - not everything is sexism
Original poster
022828MAN · 01/06/2020 09:33

derxa

Care to expand on the biscuit?! Hmm

Thanks for all making me feel more sane, we're meant to be seeing them sometime this week so I'll just out with it. I can't police my own language for the next 4 months!

OP posts:
Original poster
022828MAN · 01/06/2020 09:33

terrible

That's horrendous!!!!

OP posts:
derxa · 01/06/2020 09:39

Care to expand on the biscuit?! Try talking to your MIL in a clear and calm manner instead of building up resentment against her.

onetwothreeadventure · 01/06/2020 09:42

My inlaws were the same, they wanted it to be a surprise and they're kind of old school when it comes to stuff like this. I only see them occasionally so I didn't have to watch what I was saying but it didn't bother me not to share. I wouldn't have been bothered if I accidentally said it either.

I don't think yabu if you want to share it, it's totally your choice.

PopcornAndWine · 01/06/2020 09:46

People get so weird about this don't they? I remember when I was pregnant with DD and told a family friend we were planning to find out the sex. I swear the face she pulled it was as though I'd said there was something seriously wrong with the baby! It's a personal choice for the couple FFS, I would never criticise someone's decision not to find out!

We actually found out at 12 weeks as we had the feral harmony test and to be honest I didn't give friends or family the chance to say they would prefer to be 'surprised'. We just told everyone 'we're having a girl'. From that moment on the baby started to feel like a real little person to me and I loved being able to talk about her as 'her' and 'she' rather than just the bump or the baby.

Moo678 · 01/06/2020 09:47

I think it's a bit mean spirited of you to be honest. I know what it's like to have an irritating mother in law but is it really that hard to refer to your baby using gender neutral pronouns? I genuinely don't know as I've never found out the sex of mine....

IdblowJonSnow · 01/06/2020 09:48

Ridiculous. She's making it all about her.
My mum insisted on keeping her mother of the bride dress under wraps before my wedding - weirdly no one was interested! Smile

scunner · 01/06/2020 09:49

Be patient! It is a generation thing. We didn’t know the sex of a baby until it was born. The dad would make the phone call and surprise everyone with the announcement.

Years ago, mums wouldn’t have the new pram in the house until the baby came home. That was a silly old superstition.

Your mum-in-law isn’t making it all about her. Be glad you have grandparents who are keen to be involved.

Osirus · 01/06/2020 09:51

YANBU, but your posts, especially the first, reek of spite. It’s quite clear you don’t like her (that’s fine, I despise mine!) but it seems you are getting enjoyment out of the prospect of revealing all.

That’s what’s mean.

YANBU to not want to have to hide it. It’s a hassle.

glassmister · 01/06/2020 09:51

My PIL did the exact same thing and got arsed that we found out! It was our decision and we told them anyway. So irritating

GingerScallop · 01/06/2020 09:58

I wonder if she meant "am asking you about the scan but don't think am prying, wanting to know the sex of the baby"? As in "I don't need(want) to know. It's up to you"?

ShowOfHands · 01/06/2020 09:58

Mil didn't want to know and was v funny about it (she thinks finding out is wrong). I kept it from her as long as I could with dc1 but somebody let it slip in the end. She was gutted. With dc2, dc1 told her!

KenDodd · 01/06/2020 09:59

I've got a funny one.
I wanted to know, my husband didn't so I managed to keep it a secret from him. Everyone else in our social circle knew and also managed not to let slip. This colours my opinion I'm sure, but I wouldn't let them know. If it does slip out though, it doesn't matter.

For what it's worth, my husband told me he knew what I was having as he said I'd let it slip. He wouldn't say what he thought it was though. Turned out he was wrong! When baby was born he said in the delivery room he thought it was a boy, it was a girl. He also got the next one wrong but was right third time!

lovinglavidaloca · 01/06/2020 10:00

We had to do this with only one of our four parents ! Bloody nightmare Grin

TalkingtoLangClegintheDark · 01/06/2020 10:04

@Brefugee

Congrats on the pregnancy, OP. As with all things related to your own person and life do what makes you comfortable.

as for this one
My very first scan the sonographer said "I don't like calling them it, so I call all babies he, don't read anything into it"

except the ingrained sexism....

Yes, very much agree. Funny how no one ever uses the female pronoun as the “neutral” one, isn’t it. Much like “you guys” is supposedly inclusive of women and girls too, but men and boys would never think they were meant to feel included in “you gals” or “ladies” or whatever.

Actually, ScarletFever, a great many things are sexism in the fundamentally sexist world we live in.

Fair play to you, btw, OP for using the accurate term “sex”, not gender. Very refreshing to see.

And YANBU.

grey12 · 01/06/2020 10:07

Like other posters said, your MIL is making it about herself. That's a common issue.....

It's your baby, your news. By "your" i mean you are your DH. You 2 should be in agreement

Brefugee · 01/06/2020 10:08

I make a point - and I'm sure it annoys the "not everything is about sexism" crowd of either saying they or she. More often she, but getting more comfortable with they now. It must be exhausting denying something that happens all the time. Grin

FlatCheese · 01/06/2020 10:08

My mum did the same with my first, saying she didn't want to know and then spending the next few weeks going "it's a girl isn't it? I think it's a girl. It's definitely a girl." And on and on and on.

Eventually DH said "Oh, Cheese told you then?" when he heard her, so the cat was out of the bag and it was entirely her own fault for going on about it.

EmeraldShamrock · 01/06/2020 10:11

She is probably old fashioned keep doing what you are doing when discussing your little boy, he this or he that.
Congratulations.

cochineal7 · 01/06/2020 10:12

There is ONE moment of surprise: whether that is at 11 weeks, 20 weeks, birth or anytime in between. Why would it matter to anyone else when you chose to find out? You don’t lose the surprise, only the timing is different. Crack on, talk about he/him/his and congratulations with your boy.

SpaceSharkTea · 01/06/2020 10:15

At first I thought YABU, because I know the sex of our baby and my in-laws know because my husbands a blabber mouth and my parents don't want to know at all and are looking forward to the surprise; but then I read about her previous form for controlling behaviour and YANBU. If you are telling everyone and it's not a surprise then she will have to get over it. Your baby and your choice to say he/him when discussing him.