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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want a second child? dh does?

38 replies

epari · 31/05/2020 22:54

So I have a just turned 2 year old.. I lost my second baby last year on dd birthday. (premature)

I really feel content with one child, and I always envisioned a larger gap, like 4-5 years, but dh is now starting to be on my case, that he wants us to try for another, so at least the minimum gap (given his plans) will be around 3 years or so.

Everyone else around me is having their second child close in age and telling me not to wait, as I might not conceive in the future etc and I'm doing an injustice to keep dd as an only. But I just don't want another child, I get broody about newborns and the fact I spent all day just cuddling dd, but I'm aware with a new baby, I won't get that same luxury as I will have dd1. But DH just wants another one.

I'm also basically a single mother in a marriage, so it's lucky for him to say that, when my daughter is quite indifferent to his presence.

Am I being unreasonable because technically it's a partnership so he gets a say too? Would I regret NOT having another?

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 31/05/2020 23:00

*I’m also basically a single mother in a marriage”.

Does this mean your husband does little in the way of actively co-parenting with you?

If that’s the case, it’s easy for him to want another child if he doesn’t do that much of the associated hard graft once he or she comes along.

It’s be a hard no from me.

Piglet89 · 31/05/2020 23:00

*it’d.

ACupOfTeaSolvesEverything · 31/05/2020 23:02

It’s ok to just want one child. Some people are perfectly happily One And Done.

LouiseTrees · 31/05/2020 23:02

You are the one birthing the child so that definitely gives your position more weight and also if he doesn’t do his fair share of childcare or do it in a way that forms a bond with the child then that needs to be addressed by discussion before any decision on trying for another child.

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 31/05/2020 23:04

OP, you are describing yourself as a single mother in a marriage. By that alone, capitulating and having another child will just mean you are a single mother of two, in a marriage (and if he’s so useless you describe him in these terms, I think it’s a matter of time before you drop the ‘in a marriage’)
If you don’t want another child, get thee on bulletproof contraception and absolutely don’t have one.

Original poster
epari · 31/05/2020 23:05

@Piglet89

Yep, he sees his daughter for maybe 10 minutes a day, even if he's not at work, he will sleep all day and by the time he's awake, she's sleeping and I am exhausted.

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 31/05/2020 23:06

Nope. I personally would regret having had even one child with such a man.

Original poster
epari · 31/05/2020 23:07

@ThatsNotMyMeerkat I think the penny just dropped. The thought of having a second child is not what bothers me, I think with a supportive husband it be quite wonderful but it's the thought of having another child with him around that puts me off. I've just realised this now.

When he went away for work for two days, it was actually the most peaceful parenting time I've ever had.

OP posts:
Noti23 · 31/05/2020 23:07

I know exactly how you feel! I don’t want another child except I feel I should for my ds who is 18 months.

Piglet89 · 31/05/2020 23:07

Does he work nights?

Lynda07 · 31/05/2020 23:07

In your circumstances you'd be mad to have another child. Why does husband sleep all day, does he work at night?

Piglet89 · 31/05/2020 23:08

I am perhaps colossally selfish but I would never have another child for the main reason of giving my existing child a sibling.

Original poster
epari · 31/05/2020 23:09

@Piglet89 @Lynda07

He doesn't work nights nope, he did do rotating shifts, but he lost his job two weeks ago, and he actively chooses to sleep all day.

OP posts:
indemMUND · 31/05/2020 23:11

If he doesn't help parent then he doesn't get a say on putting you through another pregnancy and all the risks that go with that, never mind giving birth. And y'know caring for that child he wants day in day out with little support and equal responsibility. Ask him if he'd like you to work while he takes care of the child you already have. Minimum kind of flipped reality he might be able to envision. You shouldn't have to spell it out, but he should not be pushing a more complicated extension onto a situation that you're solely responsible for 23 hours and 50 minutes a day.

Lynda07 · 31/05/2020 23:13

Ah, is the all day sleeping a new thing? If that is the case, just tell him you won't consider another child until he is back at work and not sleeping his life away. This could be just a blip, he must be depressed about losing his job and worried about the future; sleep is escape but it can't last forever.

indemMUND · 31/05/2020 23:18

For what it's worth I ended up as a single parent as DD's father turned out to be an abusive waster. I would never risk doing this alone again, as much as I adore DD. I always wanted a big family, lots of kids. He's provided her with a sibling for

indemMUND · 31/05/2020 23:22

*from another girl who was the same age I was when I met him. I can't even arrange meetings with the girls because he went on to abuse the mother too and ruin that link. He's gone AWOL since. Go with your instinct and think about how much you can deal with alone.

backseatcookers · 31/05/2020 23:39

If he spends no time with his existing child then what the fuck is his reasoning when you point this out?!

Quartz2208 · 31/05/2020 23:43

yes I think you have a relationship issue and mght be happier without him

BubblesBuddy · 31/05/2020 23:44

If he hasn’t got a job then just don’t even consider it. Life could get tough and another baby won’t help at all. Stay as you are did the moment!

Aria2015 · 31/05/2020 23:49

You ask 'Am I being unreasonable because technically it's a partnership so he gets a say too?' But it's not really a partnership is it because he's not doing his share of parenting and working with you as a team to raise the child you do have. Given his current attitude, I don't think he deserves a say in whether or not you have more children. Go with your gut and don't be pushed into anything.

FizzyGreenWater · 31/05/2020 23:49

‘Not until you make the vaguest effort to do some parenting of the child you already have. At this rate, if DD ever has a sibling, you sure as hell won’t be it’s father.’

FizzyGreenWater · 31/05/2020 23:51

And no this ‘partner’ gets no say as he’s not actually being a partner!

Even if he was, the one who doesn’t want a baby gets the final word.

I can’t believe he has even raised it. What an absolutely entitled bellend.

Hope you move on from this dick OP

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/05/2020 23:59

I'd actually reduce the family down to two, than up it to four Wink

He sounds fucking useless.

violetbunny · 01/06/2020 02:48

You've already got a second child. Him Hmm