To have a third baby after a big gap?

[Broodybananas]

I have 2 DC who are 11 and 8, would potentially be 9 and 12 by the time a third baby came along... I’m late thirties. Didn’t have great pregnancies and had a c-section for one birth and a difficult birth for the other. We could just about afford another baby but don’t currently have enough bedrooms for all to have their own rooms, car is too small etc...

It’s a mad, terrible idea isn’t it? Yet somehow I can’t stop thinking about it... has anyone else had this ‘before it’s too late’ brodiness ? Did you have another baby or get over the idea in time?

My sisters are 6 and 8 years older than me. From my point of view, the age gap isn’t great - they were very close (still are), and I have always felt left out and lonely. I really wanted a sibling close to my age! I suspect that if I’d had one older sister, it wouldn’t have been as lonely, but they had each other and I was the afterthought. There was also resentment about me having it easier, plus we’d had to move to a bigger house (2 bedroom to 3 bedroom, nothing fancy), so there were financial pressures on my parents that affected them too.

We are closer now, but there’s still that gap between us. Even stuff like their children are teenagers while my DD is only 5. Family get-together can be tricky due to the age gap (and I feel my sisters not as accommodating as they expected others to be when their children were this age, but that’s another story).

So I wouldn’t recommend it, but I’ve been criticised for saying on on MN before.

Everyone has given really considered replies. I'll just say you would be absolutely bonkers to go back to indiscriminate shitting and puking and sleepless nights!

My third was brain damaged at birth. She has cerebral palsy as a result. Without a shadow of a doubt she changed the lives of all of us, including dd1 and ds1.
But, you know, it didn’t stop me getting fiercely broody when she was about 5. I tried to persuade dh to try and reverse the vasectomy he had had in the brutal aftermath of dc3. He looked at me as though I was stark staring bonkers. It does wear off. Mostly...

I had one DC then a big gap and then 2 DC close together. They are 31,22 and 20 now and all get on so well. The age gap closes as they get older. My DM gets on really well with her siblings despite a large age gap and it is the same in my cousin's family.

DS 1 & 2 are 9 and 7 years older than DD. I was similar to you - 2 difficult pregnancies including an emergency c-section with DS2 who has SEN. Which is why the big age gap - it took me a long time to come to terms with the difficulties in my second pregnancy and birth and I was warned a third pregnancy was very high-risk. I gave myself a time-frame to get pregnant before calling it a day because the health risks increased as I got older. And luckily I did before my self-imposed cut off. DD is wonderful and the boys genuinely adore her - they are both more independent now (late teens) and she is still in primary. I loved being a mum again so would definitely recommend it. She is absolutely the light of my life and, without question, makes our family complete.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. So much to think about... I think it has taken me until now to feel ready for a third, and now it seems too late!
The posts about nearly being about to ‘have my life back’ really strike a chord - I think I’m not sure what this will look like with two secondary age DC... it scares me in a way. Which isn’t at all a good reason to have a child I know, but isn’t the whole thing. There is a feeling of not being complete somehow, of there being someone else ‘waiting in the wings’. Or it (most likely) could just be my hormones...

I think if you do then you will love the baby and in years to come will say you are glad you had them and couldn't be without them.

If you don't then in a few years the broodiness will have gone and you will be sipping cocktails (or whatever you fancy) on holiday while your teenagers amuse themselves and saying how glad you are you didn't have another baby.

You'll never know what it would have been like the other way round.

My brother is 7 years younger than me, perhaps because he is my only sibling, I am very glad my parents did have him and he definitely brought something good to my childhood/teenage years. However the age gap meant he was only 11 when I left home and both of us feel a little bit like only children. It has it's pros and cons!

So true @Keha!

I have to say the cocktails option sounds pretty good

DH is 2 years older than his sister, and 11 years older than his brother. His family's dynamic is very similar to what Ellie describes. Obviously he loves his brother but there will always be a gap. There is also a cultural gap - DH and his sister were both away from home when their little brother was at school, their parents were older and kind of checked out on a lot of the parenting they had done with their older kids (ie when they had the energy to hold the line) and the younger one went off the rails a bit. As a result DH and his sister are well educated professionals, and their younger brother is not in as secure or comfortable a position.

My DF was 5 years older than his next sibling and 15 years older than his baby sister. They were incredibly close.

Our youngest is 15 years younger than her next sibling. He hates her. The next one up was 17 when she was born and they adore each other.

DD is now 13 and it's just started to get hard in the last year or so. DH is 60 next year.

My 2 DC were 10 and 12 when DC3 was born 2 years ago and I was 41. It's been hard esp during lockdown but she's been an absolute joy and the big two adore her. She adores them too and they've been so helpful with her. In fact I prefer this age gap to the much smaller one.

Your oldest kids vs potential new arrival will grow up not as siblings. You will be disrupting their soon to be teenage years. Also you will have a baby who will need your 100 percent attention so say goodbye to trips with your kids and playing games and anything. I would think it is unfair to your oldest kids. But fair /unfair is a bit of a strange word. But I would feel it is selfish I guess. But then again. You are allowed to be. T
Just think about the consequences of it all. In 8 years time both of your kids may have moved out of home and your latest arrival will be like only child.

To be honest. I guess it is your age will make your woomb go : have another one because if not now, then never. Because mine says the same at the moment

@bubblesbuddy I think you misconstrue my comment. Of course my elder two don't actually look after him. I'd never expect that. I just meant the way they care for him is heartwarming...when we say no to an ice pop and they sneak and get one for him or they go upstairs and read him a bedtime story before we put him to bed or when they put fireman Sam on for him and sit down with an arm round him to watch an episode. Little kindnesses because they love him. The elder two have a different relationship and are playing football and cricket or computer games together all the time, but they've always adored their baby brother, right from the first moment they met him. As a result he's completely spoiled...whenever we say no to him it's straight to the big brothers to sort it out! I won't sugarcoat it, life is definitely harder with three...but when I look at them altogether I feel very glad they will have each other to lean on throughout life. I'm one of three though myself so maybe that's why it feels right!

I had an unplanned pregnancy when I was 38. My children were 9 and 12. I had a difficult pregnancy with many hospital admissions and it affected my two kids. They were old enough to be really worried. They loved having a baby in the family but not a toddler as they couldn’t leave things around or watch tv without monitoring what was on. That goes on for years. It’s hard work trying to keep everyone happy and though I love my third I personally wouldn’t recommend a big age gap. He is a child in an all adult household and that can be hard for him too! I never ask them to look after him or babysit, if they do it’s because they’ve offered to. He keeps us young but also exhausted as he’s now a teen and I’m menopausal! But we have a terrific family, lots of laughs, and all go on holidays etc together despite the older two being married and having their own lives. So to me that’s the rewards for the hard work put in !

I've just had a third - she's five days old today! My other two are with my ex-husband and they are just 10 and almost 13. This new arrival is my fiancé's first (and last - I'm 39 and he's 44).
My youngest is absolutely besotted - he couldn't be prouder. My eldest far less so but there are other factors at play (a very angry ex-husband).
The hardest thing so far has been the fact that we are on lockdown and of course the boys won't be back at school for some while. It's frustrating because both my parents are in the same village (not in any vulnerable categories) but the boys can't go and see/stay with them. So I do get how boring it must be for them.
So whilst it's bloody hard work (especially due to circumstances currently) and very early days, I honestly can't imagine not having her here now. I look at my OH with her and feel so much pride and happiness that he's finally a daddy

I had 2 children close together, then when they were 8 and 6 I had my third, at 40 years old. I was left to being up all 3 alone, no maintenance or any help, and have always worked full time, so more nursery costs! But, I absolutely never regret it. There were a few tricky times such as bedtimes when baby had colic and I struggled to do bedtime stories for the other two, or when I was ill with no support, and when my 3rd was a more sickly baby in general- she had infection after infection, plus severe eczema and asthma. The oldest two had perfect health. But it soon all settled down when youngest was 5.
Then I had so many clubs to take them all to - all different. Oh and it was tricky at theme parks, as the older two needed to be accompanied, but I couldn't leave the youngest.
But, overall, it wasn't too bad - I loved it and my oldest doted on the youngest.

So no, similar timescale and it's great, apart from the huge never ending costs.

There is 11 and 9 years between my first two and last child.

I’ve been finding it hard having two grown up children but still stuck doing school runs and homework. Keep thinking I could have far less responsibilities had I stopped with the eldest two.

However it may be coloured by the fact their dad left when the youngest was two so have pretty much had to raise them single handed since then.

I did it (intentionally, same husband).with a gap of 13 and 10 years.

It is great for our family, we laugh and enjoy the little one. I do not regret it. She feels like a a gift.

But, I parent every waking hour. The little one is up at 7, and the oldest seem to need me in late evening (perhaps this is just when I am available). The hit to my career has been profound.

The majority of my friends had a broodiness stage in their late 30s. Only a couple went ahead and have another one. 5heybof course don't regret having their 3rd child but now that our oldest are independent or have left home and we get together and enjoy life as independent parents again in a better financial.position, it is clear a part of them feel jealous.

I am so happy that I didn't go for it. The idea of still having to look after, educate, and finance a 9yo child is quite horrifying. I am so enjoying my new freedom!

I feel I am in your place exactly. My eldest is 16 next month, youngest is 14 and I'm broody.
Husband has no biological children and also broody.
We discussed and decided just before lockdown to try, except I couldn't get my coil removed and still can't. It's enforced 3 months of serious thinking. The more I think, the more confused I get.
I feel like I'm 5 years behind.
In 5 years my financial situation (on current tragectory) would be better. Things like getting both kids their first car is about 2/3 years old. Frustrating when eldest starts driving in 13 months, of course if we throw a baby in, that reduces the chances of me being able to do those things. Instead of helping with cars I'll have childcare bills. The reality is scary, but then I tell myself is there ever a good time to have a baby, isn't there always something we want, and frankly even logic and time isn't making this feeling go away.
No right or wrong answers

@Nicknamegoeshere congratulations on your new baby!

I’m reading every reply and finding them so helpful...

@dontdisturbmenow - tell me more about this freedom! I think this could tempt me

@VeraorHolly yes this hit to my career is something I have to think seriously about - I am only just established properly in my career, and although it’s flexible I remember how tired I was with little kids.

Sometimes I feel like I didn’t relish the early years enough at the time if that makes sense - a fairly close gap, difficult births etc. Sometimes I just want the chance to do it all again and really appreciate it... but maybe that’s a fantasy

DD1 is 14, DD2 is 6 and am currently pregnant with DD 3.

Age gap of 14 years between eldest and then baby I’m pregnant with, 7 and a half years between eldest and DD2 and 6 years 8 months between DD2 and this baby. Everyone tells me they are huge age gaps but it works for us.

I’m also 35 :)

How long have you been thinking about it? If it's not been long you can play for a bit more time, there's no immediate rush a few more months won't make any difference. See how you feel then, rather than rush into things. On balance I would say don't do it.

3 is really, really hard work. I found 2-3 almost as big a jump as 0-1. The workload is absolutely massive and you’re never ‘off’ - it eats you alive, the juggling is relentless. Someone is always short changed, usually the eldest, who craves attention and gets the dregs of it that are left when the little 2 are finally in bed and I’m exhausted and done for the day I do have much smaller age gaps so a different experience, but I wouldn’t do it if I were you. Mine are 7, 3 and 2 now and I can see a time coming in the next couple of years where things will become easier and more enjoyable again (we can walk out the house without it taking an age, go out for dinner and be able to relax and enjoy it, be out and about without needing a buggy and spare clothes for the newly potty trained baby and all the other gubbins, etc etc etc) and I cannot bloody wait. There’s nothing on earth that would incite me to do it again (DH has had the snip!) so if I were you I’d enjoy the freedom and be done with it all.
But...when I had 2 I was so thrilled and happy (had multiple mcs and didn’t think I’d manage to have a second, so I always knew how lucky I was), if we’d stopped there I’d had felt so lucky with my lot. But I used to look at my big 2 and feel a pull, like there was someone missing. It was so strong, it was like I could almost see the other person who should be there. And now with 3 I never feel like that - she filled the gap and we are totally complete now. And if we hadn’t had her, like I say, I’d still have felt like the luckiest person in the world, but I think I would always have been a bit sad about that gap, the baby who should have been. And I think it would have been quite hard to live with that forever.