To have a third baby after a big gap?

[Broodybananas]

I have 2 DC who are 11 and 8, would potentially be 9 and 12 by the time a third baby came along... I’m late thirties. Didn’t have great pregnancies and had a c-section for one birth and a difficult birth for the other. We could just about afford another baby but don’t currently have enough bedrooms for all to have their own rooms, car is too small etc...

It’s a mad, terrible idea isn’t it? Yet somehow I can’t stop thinking about it... has anyone else had this ‘before it’s too late’ brodiness ? Did you have another baby or get over the idea in time?

[notheragain4]

I always find these threads fascinating, they always go the same way (although amazed the environment hasn't come up!) It particularly amuses me when parents say how much their eldest loves the youngest but everyone ignores the adults who come on (and a fair few on this one) to say how difficult it was growing up with a big age gap. I think too often people make this decision thinking of themselves and not the children they already have, I'm all for parents making decisions in their own best interests for lots of things, but adding an additional member of the family should be decided upon on the benefits and risks to every member, when you have 2 children I really don't think "because I want one" is enough.

I love the idea of a third for lots of reasons, but I just cannot reconcile the fact it would be detrimental to my older two no matter how I spin it. Some things could be resolved by more money which other families will have, but the simplicity of time and having to divide it between 3 instead of 2 shows me there is just no way I could justify it as being in their best interests. I make lots of decisions for myself, but this just couldn't be one of them, especially with an age gap. And yet the flippant remark always said in one way or another "you will never regret the kids you have, but you'll regret the ones you don't" NEVER considers the pre-existing children.

[Broodybananas]

@notheragain4

I think that's a really good point, and is definitely at the top of my 'cons' list. I only have so much attention, time, energy, and one of my DC in particular needs quite a lot of this! And of course they both do in their own ways. And the environment is another good reason against.

Not to drip feed, but another factor in that column is my DH (or his feelings on the matter I mean!), who isn't that keen on the idea. I think he'd go for it if I was really sure I wanted to, but that isn't the same thing...

[dontdisturbmenow]

tell me more about this freedom!
Well the mortgage is paid for now, no childcare costs so we are able to enjoy a very nice life with great travels (even if on hold right now). We go to amazing places that a young child or grumpy teenager wouldn't enjoy.

I plan my weekends around my needs which is great after years of them being planned around my kids' needs. I've taken on running, cucling and swimming and have participated in my first triathlon a few years ago. The sense of accomplishment was fantastic and the training with my friends great fun.

We go on weekends away 3 times a year and I do the same with my oh. Being able to go out together in the evenings without relying on the elder kids to babysit (as they too have their lives) is great.

I am healthier I've ever been, my marriage is brilliant as we do more things together that is s out us as a couple rather than parents.

The work like is so much better too, not having to fight for school holidays and being able to go away when it is cheaper and less busy feels like such a treat after years of being confined to these holidays, not having to arrange summer childcare etc...

Adding to all this is the fact I went into perimenopause quite early at 43 and the way it's messed up with my sleep and mood, I just don't have the energy required to educate another child the way I think they deserve.

[Caelano]

I think your latest post absolutely sums up why you shouldn’t Broodybananas. Your dh not being keen but ‘probably happy enough to go along with it if it’s what you want’ is just not a good enough reason to bring another human into the world.

I also agree with the pp who’ve pointed out that it’s probably hormones talking and about what you feel you want rather than genuinely feeling another child is a good idea

We have 3 children (full disclosure here!) but we always knew we both wanted 3 and I had them in quick succession; no way would I have had another after a big age gap.

Several of my friends who had two children felt similar to you when they reached the top end of primary school... most resisted but one couple who are family friends did have a ‘late third.’ They first few months were fine- the honeymoon bit and the novelty of having a newborn again, but tbh it seemed a real grind after that, going back to sleepless nights, not being able to do the spontaneous stuff- bunging all our kids in the car and setting off to do an activity suitable for older kids.

I imagine once the older two get to 15/16 it’s also very hard to resist the temptation to turn them into babysitters while you nip out to the shop etc

[MarshaBradyo]

It sounds like the cons outweigh your pros.

For other people it won’t but it sounds as if they do

[dontdisturbmenow]

Just to add that my eldest would have been fine with a younger sibling but looking back, I wouldn't have had the time, devotion and energy I had to help and guide them with their education and career choices, finding work etc...and I wouldn't have been to help them financially as I have either with driving lessons, first cars, insurance, uni accommodation.

Late teenager still need a lot of attention and my are they costly!

[BubblesBuddy]

I tend to feel the comments about a young child getting what he wants from siblings when parents have said “no” really shows how tricky the age gap can be. In another world we would consider this unacceptable behaviour. It’s not parenting and it’s allowing late dc to be a bit cunning and knowing. This cannot happen to the first born.

Freedom means looking at how you can thrive in the longer term. Children move out of your life and home (usually but not always) so having a big gap prolongs that time where your home life is governed by a child. Most people do want a time when they make decisions for only themselves. They want greater financial freedom and also give money to dc to help them with their lives.

If your DH isn’t keen, he clearly values the above! Plus the teenage years are looming for you. Hold on to your hats!

[BKT2]

Personally I think you must be nuts to even consider it. It’s just hormones playing tricks on your brain.

[MsTSwift]

I think there is more to life than child raising. Some cling onto those years but there’s a big world out there. Child raising is a happy phase that we all have to leave behind eventually

[Noconceptofnormal]

I have three and it's tiring and tough, but mine are all small. I think the key thing is that there are so many experiences and holidays etc that you can't do when you've got a really young child.

Even for my 5 year old, they miss out of the sort of thing that their friends do now if they don't have younger siblings, but would be a lot more frustrating if the age gap was much bigger.

I love my children for where they are now but I know that one day there will be a new phase of parenting, where I don't have to choose holidays based on how easy they are and my kids can go off and havd a swim unsupervised whilst I read a book on a sun lounger.

I do understand the yearning though, even though I know that another child would break us, I still feel sad that the baby we have now is our last.

[Broodybananas]

Such wise thoughts! I think I will just have to ride out these broody feelings, as i have before (I’ve been thinking about this off and on for years). I think I do want freedom perhaps more than I realise, and just feel a sadness that the young child years are now (pretty much) behind us.

@dontdisturbmenow that sounds wonderful! I can’t really imagine planning weekends around my needs! I’m starting to look forward to what that phase of life will offer instead of just being sad about what is past...

[thebabessavedme]

I'm 14 years older than my youngest db, he was a 'surprise' when my dm was 37, this was in the 70s when a 37 year old was considered really old to be having a baby, I remember her crying for about 2 weeks, then she got her head round it and cracked on - my db was the best thing to have happened to us, he was great fun/a pain in the arse and is one of my favourite people in the world, he actually had the best of both worlds as a kid, he had siblings who loved him and by the time he was 6 and we had left home he was an 'only child' iyswim?, parents had more time, money and patience, he went to private school, stayed with me and dh in the holidays when he wanted too, he is at 6ft 3 and 45 the light of my mums life, I have never resented him.

[pinktaxi]

I would look at all the practicalities like space your future job opportunities, costs, impact on other children etc and honestly look at whether this is a genuinely good thing for the whole family or just a 'last chance' urge I had the same thing but decided it was just the biological clock talking not common sense

[thebabessavedme]

oops, I have never resented him, he actually took the heat off me as a teenager I got away with loads

[Broodybananas]

@thebabessavedme that’s such a lovely story

[Mummyjsa]

I have three already aged 9,7& almost 4. I was very sure I’m done, but just recently thoughts of a fourth have crept in. I genuinely feel it is because we’ve hit a point for me personally where with the age gaps it is now or never and never suddenly feels so final.
I do recognise this though, and I’m almost certain there will be no #4. I love being a Mum, and have adored my children being small and I’m just not quite ready to let go of the times where I have a little one around, but would I ever? If I had four I would probably just feel the same again!

[missyoumuch]

I find the idea of 3 adult children very appealing but I’m not a good mum-of-young-DCs. The lack of sleep in the early years really wears on me and two pregnancies have done a number on my body. The thought of doing pregnancy until age 2 again sends shivers down my spine. But I am absolutely in love with my DCs (3 and 5) who get cuter and more interesting by the day in my opinion!

I wonder if anyone who felt like this ever did go on to have a third later and how they coped?

[lovinglavidaloca]

Ohhhh this is so hard and we’re almost in exactly the same position. I’m not yet 30 but our kids are 8 and 9 and we keep thinking ‘just one more?’

For me, pros:
We feel young enough to do it again
We’re in a better position financially than we were when our first two were born
Our children would love another sibling

Cons:
The older two and younger one would be at totally different stages
Things cost much more for 5 than they do for 4
Would possibly need a bigger car
Going back to sleepless nights etc

These are just a quick few ... there’s obviously lots more for each but it’s such a huge huge decision!

[TheVanguardSix]

I think that in our late 30s, a bit of a last chance saloon thing kicks in and we contemplate having that one last child. It's ok to be done with having children, OP. Your 40s can be a time of huge mental growth. It's a great decade for women to really carve out more personal happiness without the interference that comes with having really young children. And if you and your DH are so unsure about a third, I'd listen to those feelings. Maybe instead of looking back at repeating those early days, look ahead at new possibilities on life's menu. Babies aren't always the answer to what is lacking. There's a lot of living to do with your children and your DH.
It is hard saying goodbye to having children. There comes that time when we see that Fertility Road gets a bit shorter, a bit narrower, and that's a hard thing for us to come to terms with. It may not be in-your-face difficult. You probably will never shed a tear over it. But most of us hit our late 30s and realise, "Oh wow. That part of my life is sort of slowing down here. How long do I have left if I want more children?" Some of us go on to have that later in life baby. Some of us stick with what we've got. Only you can truly decide. But reading your posts, I'd be inclined to stick with what you've got and look ahead at all of the things life with your current family has in store. Will not having a third child utterly break your heart? That's the question. Good luck with whatever you decide. Stay positive and nurture what you have. And also, more importantly, let what you have in life nurture you!

[lovinglavidaloca]

Lovely post Vanguard!

[longtompot]

It depends on what your older two are like and what the family dynamic is like. My friends had a baby 4 or so years ago, one of them already had two older kids, who were 18 and 20 or so at the time and still living at home, and it has worked well for them.

[BubblesBuddy]

Having a second child at your age broke my heart! Jeez it was hard. Difficult baby and not the easiest teen.

I note the younger brother above was sent to a private school. Lots of these have long days and lots of childcare. Money makes everything a lot easier. Big cars, private schools, nursery from an early age to let you get on with things, nanny living in etc. All this is a massive advantage if you can afford it. I had everything bar the nanny living in and it was still tough! You simply run out of energy and what you could have had at 40 haunts you!

[Broodybananas]

Thanks all

I found that so kind, encouraging and thoughtful @TheVanguardSix