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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving a baby my surname.

100 replies

potentiallyoutting · 31/05/2020 11:05

I quite like my surname as it’s unique however it’s the name of my mums former husband (she wanted me to have the same name as her and my older sisters) - they’re now married and taken on their husbands names and my mum is getting married next year. My biological dad rarely popped into my life as a child and had zero relationship with him.

I’m now pregnant and not marrying my partner anytime soon (he doesn’t believe in it and I’m meh about it - I have my own property and income so I don’t particularly want to loose that if things go sour).

Now the baby I want to have my surname too but I feel strange giving it my family name when really it isn’t my name. I’ve always wanted to change my surname to my great-mother’s first name (great inspirational lady) as I feel she contributed a lot more than any forefathers.

My partner isn’t keen especially if we have a boy ‘William Margaret-Jones’ and while it’s non debatable not having the same name as a my child if push comes to shove I’d rather baby just have my name.

OP posts:
highmarkingsnowbile · 31/05/2020 11:08

I wouldn't give a child an unmarried partner's surname, no matter how much he 'wasn't keen' on that. I'd tell him I 'don't believe' in patriarchal concept of all children having the father's name the same way he 'doesn't believe' in marriage.

Stick to your guns. Change your name to the name you want. Give your baby that.

Purpletigers · 31/05/2020 11:10

If you’re not married, then I’d give the baby your name .

highmarkingsnowbile · 31/05/2020 11:13

Also, don't cut a single penny of your earning potential or financial independence to do unpaid childcare and housework for this man. Go back to work and you split the childcare costs and lifework. 'I don't believe in 1950s gender roles'. Just tell him you 'don't believe' in it.

Destroyedpeople · 31/05/2020 11:15

Well if 'doesn't believe ' in marriage then it's kind of up to you what surname your child has. ..

Not sure about William Margaret-Jones though...although it worked fine for Catherine Zeta Jones....

BeardieWeirdie · 31/05/2020 11:15

YAB massively U to give a boy the name Margaret, however amazing she was!
Give baby your surname.

highmarkingsnowbile · 31/05/2020 11:17

It's interesting that your partner 'doesn't believe' in marriage but balks at his child having your surname and in particular, if it's a boy. That's sexist AF.

Destroyedpeople · 31/05/2020 11:18

No..she wants to take Margaret as her own surname and give it to the child poosibly combined with the partner's surname. Have I got that right?

Twigletfairy · 31/05/2020 11:18

So did your surname get changed to your mum's former husband? If so could you use your original surname?

RenegadeMrs · 31/05/2020 11:20

Me and my OH picked a new surname that neither of us had. It was a family name in his side but it still meant that we both changed out names to something new. Felt fairer to me.

You can give your baby any surname you like when you register them (Bobby Seagulls family did!). Its entirely your choice. For a while all 3 of us had different surnames!

Bbang · 31/05/2020 11:21

My biggest regret was giving my eldest his dads name, I did so because because everyone pressured me to do so. I was newly 20 and very timid, that waster promptly disappeared and only shows up sporadically to give me yet more abuse.

If I could turn back time knowing what I know now I would only ever give a baby my surname married or not (if I ever get married I’ll be keeping my own) I would strongly recommend giving the baby your current surname.

Destroyedpeople · 31/05/2020 11:21

There are girls names that work fine as surnames...is it actually Margaret or is that an example?

MumW · 31/05/2020 11:22

Not sure who your great-mother is. Whether it's, mother, grandmother or great grandmother, could you go for their surname/maiden name instead?

LilyMarshall · 31/05/2020 11:23

This I'd tell him I 'don't believe' in patriarchal concept of all children having the father's name the same way he 'doesn't believe' in marriage.

And This Also, don't cut a single penny of your earning potential or financial independence to do unpaid childcare and housework for this man. Go back to work and you split the childcare costs and lifework. 'I don't believe in 1950s gender roles'

I dont see the issue with the surname Margaret. Not like it is a first name. I don't think id double barrel as then it would sound like a woman's name.

CertainGecko · 31/05/2020 11:35

I'd tell him I 'don't believe' in patriarchal concept of all children having the father's name the same way he 'doesn't believe' in marriage.

This isn't even the case anyway. Children are traditionally given the mother's name. If she were married, it was the same as the father's name, if she wasn't, it was her maiden name given. It was perceived as only being allowed to be given the fathers name if they were married but actually didn't stem from that concept.

OP give the child the name you wish. If you're not married you're better off doing what you want and he can't insist anyway. Do you feel like your name is truly yours? If your stepdad was a lovely man and a father to you I'd consider keeping it and giving it to a child. If you want to use your grandmother's first name it is fine too, but I do think you need to consider how it would sound with a boy's name. Not because you should have to, but because people are cruel and you have to consider the comments they'll get for the rest of their lives. It's shitty that you'd have to though, I bet your DP wouldn't be so bothered if you had, for example a girl called Margaret William-Jones.

C152H · 31/05/2020 11:35

Give the baby your name. If you plan to give the baby your great grandmother's name, you have to ensure you change your name at the same time - it is a nightmare travelling alone with a child that does not have the same surname as you.

thenamesarealltaken · 31/05/2020 12:47

If I'd thought it through I'd have swapped to my nan's last name and used that. You choose. It can always be changed later. I changed my daughter's at 4 adding my last name to her last name

FirmlyRooted · 31/05/2020 13:08

Give the baby your surname, I did with my two kids even though I'm married to their father.

It's definitely your name, regsrdless of whether your dad was on the scene or not, I don't understand fully why you say it isn't your name?

lifestooshort123 · 31/05/2020 13:29

Change your name to one you prefer and then give it to your baby. If you ever decide to forge your own path then it will be easier if you both share a surname.

CourtneyLurve · 31/05/2020 13:34

A friend has the surname of his mother's first husband.

  • She was married, then divorced and kept her married name.
  • She had brief relationship with another man, resulting in baby. Dad not involved.
  • She gave baby her legal name.

He's fine with it and has since had his own family using the name.

IVflytrap · 31/05/2020 13:44

Now the baby I want to have my surname too but I feel strange giving it my family name when really it isn’t my name

If it's the name you go by, it's your name, however you came by it.

Whatever surname you decide to use for yourself, make sure your DC gets your name. DC can have your partner's surname as well, but preferably it shouldn't be solely his surname and nothing from you. Especially if you aren't married.

Bluebell878275 · 31/05/2020 13:50

Why does it ALWAYS have to be for patriarchal reasons a Father wants to share his surname with his kid? Loads of women don't want to marry but still want to share their surname with their child, a Father can want that too without it always being for patriarchal reasons.

Change your surname to something else, or double-barrel..it's the only fair way.

Zombiemum1946 · 31/05/2020 13:50

If not married I said, my child my surname. MIL was not happy, she said but he's his father,I said so what I'm his mother. I wanted my child and I to have the same surname. We decided to marry and then our dc had the same name as his father. Choose the surname you want for yourself and give it to your child.

Asthenia · 31/05/2020 13:52

My partner and I have no plans to marry ever. Our children will be given my surname. I think you should do it OP.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 31/05/2020 13:54

I wouldn't marry, I'd keep my own name and any children would have my name.

If you want to change your name and that of your unborn child to your GGM's then go for it.

Don't play the 'if you will marry me the while will have your name' game. Boak.

Fizzydrinks123 · 31/05/2020 13:56

if you're not married the child will automatically have your surname - just stick with that is what I'd do.

I think weird for someone that "doesn't believe" in marriage to expect a child to automatically have his name - that would be part of marriage and his name could be entered on to the birth certificate without him being present. If he's not married to the mother the assumption is mum's name unless dad wants to attend at registration - no automatic right to be put on birth certificate etc