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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving a baby my surname.

100 replies

potentiallyoutting · 31/05/2020 11:05

I quite like my surname as it’s unique however it’s the name of my mums former husband (she wanted me to have the same name as her and my older sisters) - they’re now married and taken on their husbands names and my mum is getting married next year. My biological dad rarely popped into my life as a child and had zero relationship with him.

I’m now pregnant and not marrying my partner anytime soon (he doesn’t believe in it and I’m meh about it - I have my own property and income so I don’t particularly want to loose that if things go sour).

Now the baby I want to have my surname too but I feel strange giving it my family name when really it isn’t my name. I’ve always wanted to change my surname to my great-mother’s first name (great inspirational lady) as I feel she contributed a lot more than any forefathers.

My partner isn’t keen especially if we have a boy ‘William Margaret-Jones’ and while it’s non debatable not having the same name as a my child if push comes to shove I’d rather baby just have my name.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 31/05/2020 20:58

(The weight of societal expectation and male entitlement is heavy!)

billy1966 · 31/05/2020 22:19

Its not about him not protecting her with marriage, its him picking and choosing.

It suits the OP, not to marry.
That's fine.
But if she isn't marrying him, give the child HER name.

BlackberryCane · 01/06/2020 08:07

@highmarkingsnowbile

A lot of men refuse to even do that, though, and insist on their surname only angry

They cannot force this, though, if they are not married? Can they?

Nope.

Roselilly36 · 01/06/2020 08:12

I would feel the same OP, if I hadn’t been married my babies would take my surname, I wouldn’t want to have a different surname to them. YANBU.

Stifledlife · 01/06/2020 08:24

Life can be very difficult if you have a different name to your child. I had to carry a birth certificate and a letter from the child's father permitting travel and were challenged for both several times when my kids were small.
Name your child with your surname (sorry, but nix the Margaret unless you hate the child) - It will make your life a lot easier in the future.

sashh · 01/06/2020 08:31

Absolutely NO way would my child have the name of his father if we weren't married.

Slightly off topic but one of my friend's has a name like, Dick or Fanny or Slime, that's the reason her son has his father's name, it's not allways about the patriachy.

BlackberryCane · 01/06/2020 08:40

It's not always, but if I were a betting woman I'd say there are more people with Cockburn type surnames that got them from their father's side than there are people who got them from their mother's.

GabriellaMontez · 01/06/2020 08:41

Someone is going to judge and comment whatever decision you make. Such is life.

So do what you want. Which is entirely reasonable and ignore them all.

BubblesBuddy · 01/06/2020 08:49

And you never know, inheritance rules might make marriage worth it in the end. That’s why lots of our unmarried friends with DC got married. So inheritance was sorted out.

emilybrontescorsett · 01/06/2020 08:51

I think Margaret-Jones as a surname is fine.
How is it ok for a girl to me called James or Matthews etc but a boy can’t have a female surname . Ridiculous.

MsTSwift · 01/06/2020 08:54

If your estate is above £325k you will pay inheritance tax that your married neighbours won’t. Most couples with large estates all else being equal end up getting married after that conversation....

BubblesBuddy · 01/06/2020 09:38

There are also “next of kin” issues too.

I’m always left wondering what happens regarding names when Mr Margaret Jones meets Miss Dominic Cummings. Does baby become ? Margaret Jones Dominic Cummings? Who gives way? Gets very complicated if everyone insists on certain names being used.

Fizzydrinks123 · 01/06/2020 10:42

The practical reasons of having different name to your children is something to think about.

I didn't change my name to husband's when first married. When we had children (ten years after getting married) it became irritating to continually have to explain "no, my name is...". So for practical reasons I ended up changing to my husband's surname.

I made decision as we were financially committed to one another, next of kin (ie. married) etc and it just made life easier.

However, if I wasn't married then I definitely wouldn't be giving dc the dad's surname. It's one thing divorcing and ending up with different name to children, but I wouldn't set out in first place to have different name.

MulticolourMophead · 01/06/2020 12:30

I've never had a problem having a different surname to my children. But if I did it all again, I'd be giving them my surname. I gave in the pressure about him being the last male with the name (conveniently forgetting there were others ie cousins, etc).

billy1966 · 01/06/2020 13:10

It never occurred to me to change my name when getting married, but I did do the traditional thing by giving our children my husband's name.

I don't know if I would be so unthinking about it now.

But no way would I consider it if we were unmarried.

BlackberryCane · 01/06/2020 13:29

@BubblesBuddy

There are also “next of kin” issues too.

They do exactly the same as anyone else. That is, either come up with a name they have chosen together or, if that can't happen, then the mother gets to decide the name if they're not married and if they are I guess it's a race to the registry office.

Alexsay · 01/06/2020 14:51

I would never give a child a different surname to mine. Definitely recommend changing your surname by deed poll so you can select something with significance to you. Try discussing it with your partner and see if he'd be happy to take it at a later date too. Ultimately, it's up to you whether you have the same surname as child, and if your partner disagrees, he has the option to input now to a surname choice for you all. Deed poll. Free and simple.

BubblesBuddy · 02/06/2020 10:21

All the unmarried parents I know have used the dads surname. Times change it seems. Different views on here.

However as names seem to be so important to everyone, what happens if no one gives way? It really does get complicated for children to decide what to do without offending someone.

curtainsforme · 02/06/2020 10:32

All the unmarried parents I know have used the dads surname. Times change it seems. Different views on here.

This.

I am married, did take DH name and our children all have the same name. I wouldn't however have had an issue with them not having my name. I changed my name to his because I had been known as 3 different surnames by the time I got married and I wanted a fresh start. I suppose snakes just don't mean the same to me because of that. I do always wonder why so many people get worked up over making g sure your child has the same name as the mum, as if it makes them any more of their child than one who had a different name.

Andpopwenttheweasle · 02/06/2020 12:06

Change your surname to what ever you like, it's your name. I changed mine years ago to my mother's maiden name (I had my ex step dad's surname at the time!) as its the name/family I felt most connected to.
When I married I didn't change my surname and now I'm Mrs mymumsmaidenname.
Our son has both our surnames double barreled.
I don't think it matters if your surname is also a female gievn name, there are plenty of surnames like Williams or Johnson so why not a female name. No one would raise an eyebrow at a girl called, for example, Elizabeth James if it were her surname (I actually want to school with a girl called dthat and nope, not one eyebrow!)

Fizzydrinks123 · 02/06/2020 13:58

Yes it's personal, but may also reflect differing times. I married 30 years ago and couldn't imagine changing to dh's name (but did so after ten years of marriage to make life simpler when we had children).

Some people may not find it a problem, but it's the equivalent of giving your dc a very unique spelling of a common name and dc spending a lifetime explaining "no, it's actually ...." and different to the norm. Just a boring conversation I couldn't be bothered with.

My married name is something I'm known as and is convenient, but it's not "me" or who I feel inside.

Different generations will have different takes on it as we bring our own experiences to the decision.

BlackberryCane · 02/06/2020 14:46

However as names seem to be so important to everyone, what happens if no one gives way?

As the OP isn't married to her partner, that means if they can't agree, the decision is hers. The baby's father can then either accept it or go to court. If the couple are married, they can both register the child without the other one there so it would be whoever got to the registry office first. Good chance it would be the father as he's not given birth! The parent who didn't get their way can again accept it or apply for a court order to change the child's name.

TwoBlueFish · 02/06/2020 14:57

Give the baby your name or as a family unit choose a new surname. You and your partner could change yours by deed poll.

SporadicNamechange · 02/06/2020 15:57

Good chance it would be the father as he's not given birth!

Probably not, because the hospital would have given the mother the relevant paperwork to actually register the child. 😁

BlackberryCane · 02/06/2020 18:18

@SporadicNamechange

Good chance it would be the father as he's not given birth!

Probably not, because the hospital would have given the mother the relevant paperwork to actually register the child. 😁

Best stop the husband from getting hold of it then!

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