DP told me to grow up

[UkMicky]

He’s in a high pressure job and vents on the phone to me a lot, while swearing a lot and I told him I didn’t like him getting so wound up and swearing. He told me I needed to grow up. AIBU?

What does he do?

what's he venting about?

YANBU. I bet he doesn’t swear like that with colleagues.

Just tell him you’ll be putting the phone down next time he rants and swears - but mean it and do it.

Can you give a more specific example of the sort of things he says?

I wouldn't be spoken to like that. Phone would be put firmly down, after a warning.

Erm, well nothing wrong with swearing.

Are there kids nearby? That's more of a problem

Sounds like he's just venting maybe

He's abusive. He wouldn't get away with talking to anyone else like that and he has no right to do it to you.

He’s a director of a building company. He will vent about lazy people, arguments he’s had at work, people letting him down etc. For example: I’ll be in a good calm mood, ask him about his day and I’ll usually get “I’ve been so fcking busy, X took the pss today, he’s a fcking prck. I also had to chase up X because he’s a lazy b*astard”
Today, I just didn’t want to hear it, so told him and he tells me “I wasn’t swearing at you, you need to grow up”

I think you overreacted a little tbh. He's venting after a bad day. I would just let it go. He wasn't swearing at you.

Sometimes it’s nice to be able to vent to your partner and have some support... me and DP would be screwed if we couldn’t turn around and tell each other about our absolute cunt of a day and how fucking Alan from sodding accounting didn’t put in the fucking holiday slip AGAIN (Alan is not a real person!)

YABU to want him to not turn to you in time’s of stress

Sounds like HE needs to grow up! If he's like this all the time, it would be a massive downer to live with.

I think your partner's being very unreasonable.

@dworky jesus christ.. where the hell did you draw that conclusion from!?

OP I think YABU sorry. I get sweary and vent to my DP all the time.

Maybe I am abusive 🙄

I awaits think when someone tells another person to grow up, that they are just trying to manipulate the other person to think that they are in the wrong

Sorry, if he's had a bad day, maybe he ought to go for a walk, rather than requiring you to be his verbal punching bag by proxy. Let alone telling you to 'grow up', when you indicate that you really don't want to listen to it for yet another evening.

My husband has a very stressful job, and most nights, 99%, I'm more than happy to listen. Sometimes, I haven't got it in me. If he told me to 'grow up' because I didn't want to hear it that night, he'd be hearing from me. I can be quite piercing.

It wouldn't bother me if he was swearing TO me as long as it wasn't at me. But obviously you don't like it so telling you to grow up is...well immature really isn't it! Hypocrite

I mean. I swear like a trooper after a bad day but my husband doesn’t care. You clearly do so you need to tell him and he needs to respectfully not do it.

it's MN, half the posters think they are excessively clever and hilarious because they swear.

Borrow your DH's hard hat, you will get an earful.

I am not sure you are used as a verbal punch bag, it's normal to let some steam out in front of your partner, not directed at them. Do you ever swear when you are in a bad mood?

If it's a repeated thing that you don't like, then it does need addressing.

But exactly what level of distress does he have to be in for it be worth your while to listen to him?

There's a middle ground to be found between him ranting at you and you dismissing his need for some kind of stress relief.

I'd feel hugely dismissed if my husband told me that my ranting about work was spoiling his calm time.

So he’s tried to offload his stress and you told him you didn’t want to hear it. Very supportive of you. You do need to grow up.

YANBU at all, that's horrible.

OP does not need to grow up. I wouldn't be spoken to like that (easy for me to say, I'm not in a LTR with a foul mouthed ranter)

We both swear liberally and I wouldn’t be at all upset by DH offloading with colourful language. But I sympathise as my ex used to get horrendous road rage and scream and shout then when I asked him to please not be so aggressive he’d shout “I’M NOT SHOUTING AT YOU” to which my response was no but I’m the only one who can hear you, the driver who annoyed is miles back now. He did the same about colleagues, his family, all sorts of things. I think it depends on the tone and delivery. DH never raises his voice no matter how annoyed he is. We don’t do shouting. So I can see how you might have been upset.

As to his comment, I told DH to grow up earlier and try coffee in puddings again as he always says he hates it but hasn’t tried it in a decade. He said I should grow up and deal with the next spider that invades the house. We both had a point but it was all done with genuine mirth.

Expressing anger makes people more angry, not less, so "venting" is a misleading term as it doesn't get rid of the feeling.

He needs to find a healthier way to deal with his work pressures, and that includes not ranting at you if you don't want to be spoken to like that.

@rosiejaune you can’t speak for everyone! A good rant, often with swearing, helps me let go of irritations.

That’s more effective to someone, than on my own.

There’s a great book written a couple of years back in fact, with research into swearing and one point was how it can lower stress. There’s a reason most (all?) culture swear, and swearing keeps evolving.

My husband happily listens. Occasionally, he’s not in the mood and he says so.

I think you could have been more supportive OP, this is your husband and it’s good to help him destress. Only if it’s not ALL the time though!

I presume the “grow up” comment was specifically related to you not wanting to hear swearing. Again, all the time - dull and annoying for you. But hearing swear words occasionally? “Grow up” isn’t a polite way to express it - but I agree with the sentiment, swearing won’t hurt you.

Despite all that, you know how it felt on the receiving end, so you get to decide if he was unreasonable. But in general, I’d say it’s a kind thing to let a partner destress with a good rant.