DP told me to grow up

[UkMicky]

He’s in a high pressure job and vents on the phone to me a lot, while swearing a lot and I told him I didn’t like him getting so wound up and swearing. He told me I needed to grow up. AIBU?

Expressing anger makes people more angry, not less, so "venting" is a misleading term as it doesn't get rid of the feeling

What a load of crap! Venting can be very therapeutic

He’s just letting off steam. Look you know how his job is, if you don’t like swearing etc stop asking him how his day is. Or tell him he’s not allowed to swear when he talks to you.

You married each other so you must know what the other is like for goodness sake.

www.sciencealert.com/sorry-but-venting-online-just-makes-you-angrier-scientists-find

This is just one study, but the article mentions a review of more relevant evidence, which came to the same conclusion.

maybe he should vent at someone else for a change

So he’s tried to offload his stress and you told him you didn’t want to hear it. Very supportive of you. You do need to grow up.

Agree with this.

YABU He wasn't swearing at you. Not sure why swearing would bother you so much. Makes me feel so much better if I'm having a rant to throw a few swear words in.

OK he shouldn't have told you to grow up, not wanting to hear him shout and swear doesn't make you immature.

But if you know that's what he's like when you ask, and you don't want to hear it, don't ask.

Well he isn't really swearing at you as such, but tbh i still wouldn't like it and i would tell him so.

Yep I’ve told him that it’s really unhealthy as it rubs off on me too and can be draining. He’s just said he “Will try to contain his language around me”

@UkMicky - YABU - i am with PPs, sounds like he is just frustrated. I would leave him to be!
He has a high profile job, loads of people depending on him, he doesnt really need you annoying him any further. Just let him be and work.

@UkMicky my husband does this and it’s incredibly stressful. I don’t mind swearing at all and I myself swear like a trooper in jest. Listening to someone release their frustration frequently is really drainIng. He is making himself feel better by making you feel worse. Its not about not being supportive, it’s about making his needs more important than yours. When I have a bad day I might share some details but not in any angry way which makes the recipient feel like shit. Wanting a cuddle is fine, shouting, swearing and bringing you down is not.

Does he do this a lot OP?
My DP is very sweary and 'vents' a lot. It's the aggression that goes with it that bothers me. It's not aimed at me, but I don't like to hear it or see it.

DP dropped a teatowel the other day and called it a fucking cunt, and he wasn't joking.

He’s a director of a building company.

Standard building site language.

There's a big difference between listening to swearing and being sworn at.

I regularly heard things like "motherfucking bastard", "biggest cunt ever", but DH didn't tell me to grow up when I was ranting about the nastiest person I've ever known.

So long as it's not in front of children, just ignore it.

Having someone else's stress offloaded on to you on a regular basis is awful. You are not being unreasonable

We went through a very stressful time with DH, with some very toxic work colleagues. I had been through a fucking decade of this, along with all the other shit we'd been through as a result of his work, and I did get to the point where I really, really, couldn't listen to his venting without it making me want to do something very bad.

(Obviously I don't have a problem with swearing. Sometimes I had to set boundaries, and say I'm sorry, I really cannot be your sounding board today.)

You do seem very prim, proper and rather old fashioned as do many of the posters on this thread.

This is the language of building sites and he is not being abusive - how over dramatic and absurd a pp was being.

How old are you?

It's offloading his feelings on to you, which is fine if you're in a calm enough place to listen and take it on. But what if you're not?

He's dismissing your feelings of not being able to listen calmly to him this time, maybe because you just didn't have it in you today for whatever reason.

We all need to feel "heard" and supported by our partners, but it sounds like he's not hearing you at the moment when you say you haven't got the emotional capacity to take it. You both need to look at this when you're calm and listen to each other so you find ways to feel supported.

I wouldn't be sworn at like that.

And I'm in my 5th decade, for the people interested in demographics

You put the phone down.

He’s not swearing at her, he’s swearing in his conversation.

Swearing at her is saying “ you’re a fucking bitch”

Swearing in conversation is not swearing at someone.

That's pretty tame language from a builder's point of view imo.

I think op needs to master that man thing where they're looking at you and making active listening responses but actually not listening to a word. If you can master that op, you won't even know what he's saying but he gets it off his chest.

@rosiejaune what makes you think a study on ranting online, can be applied to ranting to someone who knows you, knows your situation, and cares about? It’s totally different. You can’t throw that out as support for your incorrect comment!

Someone relentlessly searing, even if not at you, can get incredibly wearing.

I bet the responses would be different if a wife was constantly calling her husband to rant ‘I’ve been so fcking busy, X took the pss today, he’s a fcking prck‘.

Couldn't say it would bother me tbh.