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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP told me to grow up

66 replies

UkMicky · 29/05/2020 16:56

He’s in a high pressure job and vents on the phone to me a lot, while swearing a lot and I told him I didn’t like him getting so wound up and swearing. He told me I needed to grow up. AIBU?

OP posts:

HackAttack · 29/05/2020 19:49

YABU quite often me or my husband will share what happened with a high dosage of blue language, it's just for support, it would be pretty isolating to be told to pack it in

TARSCOUT · 29/05/2020 19:50

I would have told you to man up as well. Either that or support him in changing to a less lucrative and stressful career. DP is trade and I would much rather hear him and his mates vent like that as opposed to DBIL who is tech and has just suffered nb due to non released stress.

TARSCOUT · 29/05/2020 19:51

Less stressful

Viviennemary · 29/05/2020 19:53

I hate these sort of put downs. It's verydisrespectful. He sounds horrible. But it does sound as if the job has become too stressful.

diddl · 29/05/2020 20:01

That's not language that I would want to listen to either-even if it wasn't directed at me.

If you usually tolerate it though, perhaps the middle of a vent/rant wasn't the best time to tell him that you didn't want to hear it anymore?

LightenUpSummer · 29/05/2020 20:01

I realise LTRs are about more than attraction, but I'd find that massively unattractive.

Not the sort of man I could respect. But we're all different. I think if it bothers OP then he should reign it in, out of kindness to her.

Chewy85 · 29/05/2020 20:15

Everyone is different. If it makes you feel anxious then he needs to respect that and not insult you. Same to pp who are saying you need to grow up.

My parents are the calmest people ever and I never heard them shout aggressively or swear growing up. Therefore someone aggressively swearing or ‘venting’ is distressing to me. Not my fault and I’m not in the wrong for feeling that way. Neither are you.

rosiejaune · 29/05/2020 20:16

Because as I already said, there is a review article that covers all relevant evidence on ranting from decades of research (before the internet even existed) that comes to the same conclusion.

heartsonacake · 29/05/2020 20:18

YANBU. I think there’s a difference between venting after a hard day and having anger issues, and it sounds like your DH has anger issues.

howlatthetrees · 29/05/2020 20:23

I think if he wasn’t swearing AT you you’re overreacting a bit

DoesMaryNotDrive · 29/05/2020 20:34

DH does this, swears loudly and at length about his boss, or a family member, and yet on the rare occasions I swear about someone or something, he tells 'Why are you swearing?' Funny thing is I didn't even really swear before meeting him. YANBU.

Samtsirch · 29/05/2020 20:37

If it is having a negative effect on you then you are allowed to voice that without being put down or told to grow up. You are his partner not one of his work mates or colleagues.
You maybe need to bring the subject up when he is more relaxed, after a weekend off work for example, and say that while you are happy to hear his work troubles, you don’t appreciate the way he communicates with you.
It’s good that he has said he will try to monitor his language, if it happens again perhaps say, “I’m sorry you are so angry/ upset but I’ll talk to you when you have calmed down “, then end the call.

Lindylooboo · 29/05/2020 20:47

I live like this. DH is a rager. It's so hard to live with that kind of negativity even if it's never "directed at you". It's like a black cloud over the entire household when he starts in. I don't have any advice. I've been living with it for 12 years. Probably will forever.

Brushurteef · 29/05/2020 20:59

My DH is a bit like this. He's CFO and apparently everyone is an idiot except for him. I'm a bit of a rager too so I just tend to join in. I'm guessing the "grow up" comment is just a bit of frustration that you didn't allow him to continue. A conversation about how it makes you feel is probably best had when he's calm and relaxed. He might be able to see then that he's being a bit unreasonable.

Nottherealslimshady · 29/05/2020 21:25

It took me ages to train my husband out of venting at me. I've no issue with talking about your stresses at all , I encourage it, but he seems to vent his anger at me as though he's arguing with his problems.
I went through his problems at what they were directed at and he was venting at me and not them. Ie person 1 will retaliate, person 2 will quit, person 3 will abandon you. But I wont do any of that will I, I'll just take it and take it until it destroys me.
I explained that we're meant to be a team but when I stand up for us he turns on me, like the other team is stronger so he decamps.
He's been a lot better but I still have to remind him every so often.
But my husband is really good and does try and wants to be a perfect husband but he was really not raised well.

StormTreader · 01/06/2020 11:04

I think if its a once-in-a-while "I've had such a terrible day!" rant then thats ok, but if its every or most days then thats just a bad habit and he needs to grow up himself.
Being on the receiving end of that negativity can be incredibly draining, even if its not you hes swearing about, you're still getting the strong emotional energy of it and our brains often arent smart enough to really seperate the two.

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