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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Surname after divorce

104 replies

Sugarpie1 · 29/05/2020 11:57

Hiya, this a general question about divorce and surnames. I got a diy divorce, specifically my then husband did all the paper work and just got me to sign on the dotted line. Fine. Got the decree absolute and put it away. This was over 16 years ago. I was using his surname and on the absolute it had my maiden name on it which I was planning to revert back to, but this in the end took me a few years to come round to do - I admit that it was a combination of dreading doing all the paperwork, the costs, probably a lot of denial. My question how long did it take you to revert back to using your maiden name after your divorce?

OP posts:

wendywoopywoo222 · 29/05/2020 13:06

I never took his name when we married. Worked out well as we divorced.

VictoriaBun · 29/05/2020 13:06

I've been divorced 11 years. Whilst my children were still at school I kept my married name so that we had the same surname. Once they had left school I reverted back to my childhood/ single name. I didn't pay out anything, just took my birth certificate to my bank and they were happy to accept that ( I had been with them before marriage as well )
Driving licence was the same , Drs , credit cards etc .

WatchingFromTheWings · 29/05/2020 13:07

I went into the bank the same day I had my papers and changed my name there and then. Then I sent off my driving licence which only took a few days. I phoned utilities etc over a period of time as I moved about a bit so changed as and when I needed to disconnect/connect stuff. My passport I changed a few years later when I had to renew it anyway.

nasalspray · 29/05/2020 13:16

I didn't wait for the divorce. I changed it the day I threw him out.

Ft564 · 29/05/2020 13:20

@ConkerGame Absolutely! ExH and I took a brand new name when we got married, not mine and not his. It's worked out well now we're divorced I haven't felt the need to change it because it's my name that I chose. We've both kept it actually so our children still have the same last name as both of us.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/05/2020 13:28

Mine was a bit easier.
I added his name to mine so double-barreled it but never changed it at work or on most of my paperwork.
So I just had to remove it and that was that.
Back to being me again.
I referred to myself as the single surname again as soon as we separated. It took me 5 years to finalise the divorce.

raspberryk · 29/05/2020 13:38

@pinkyredrose I have always thought my Dad might be upset with me if I changed it to something else with no connection. I quite like my mum's family name but I hate my mum and so I won't be using that. Plus that would be a kick in the teeth to my Dad.
I wouldn't have a clue about what other name to use, it's hard enough choosing baby names let alone picking a surname at random.

Hopefulhen · 29/05/2020 13:42

My nana will have been divorced 48 years this year and she’s still using her married name!
I think she kept her name because she does not consider herself to have left her marriage. My grandad was the one to leave for an OW and instigate the divorce. It also pleased her that the subsequent wife was irked by not being the only ‘Mrs X’.

pinkyredrose · 29/05/2020 14:01

@raspberryk. I never liked my surname either so i changed it to the Month i was born in. I read an article about the actress Jane March who didn't like her surname so changed it to the month she was born in, i tried it out for my name and as soon as i did it 'fit' and i knew instantly that it was 'my' name.

Maybe you could try something similar with your month of birth, day of week, season, etc? You could tell your dad you were proud to have his name but now you're starting a new chapter in your life and a new name is part of that.

PaperMonster · 29/05/2020 14:06

@nasalspray - snap!! Wasn’t much of a hassle to change it back.

ravenmum · 29/05/2020 14:06

@MarieIVanArkleStinks My family name is absolutely not my 'maiden' name. It's my name. I changed my name when I married. My maiden name is no longer my name. 🤷

Chasingsquirrels · 29/05/2020 14:07

My 1st H and I separated in 2008 and finalised the divorce in 2013 or 14 - nothing acrimonious, we just didn't DO anything about it having agreed and implemented the split of finances and arrangements for the children.

I changed my name to his a few years after we married, and haven't reverted or changed it following our separation and divorce.

I have since remarried, and still retained my original married surname.

Having subsequently been widowed I am now seeing someone, don't intent to marry again but won't be changing my name regardless.

StrawBeretMoose · 29/05/2020 14:10

I'm not in this position but my cousin divorced, kept the married name, remarried, changed her name again to her husband's name and it's looking like she will get divorced again and is thinking of going back to her first married name and not her original name!
It feels a bit sad to me to be so defined by the men you marry.
I also dislike the term maiden name, very old fashioned and outdated connotations.

I had a battle on my hands with HR in my work who insisted a woman's legal name changes when she marries so I asked if two women marry are they each meant to take the other's name. They backtracked a bit.

JustOneLastThing · 29/05/2020 14:17

Currently going through divorce and this thread has confirmed to me that I should change my name back to my maiden name. It just feels wrong to keep his name.

Dipi79 · 29/05/2020 15:01

I'm hanging onto my ex's surname, as I bloody love it. Plus, it's my daughters' surname.

AravisTarkheena · 29/05/2020 15:05

My mum got remarried To my stepdad and kept her married surname - she wants us to have the same one, also, she’d had it for most of her life by the time she got married for a second time. And it goes better with her first name! It’s a personal decision, no right or wrong thing to do!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/05/2020 15:09

It feels a bit sad to me to be so defined by the men you marry.

I will never understand it, and it's quite unusual to find this in my workplace, but it seems to be what many people still actively choose. And I'm all for freedom of choice.

I also dislike the term maiden name, very old fashioned and outdated connotations.

Agreed. It conjures up images of bustles and crinolines. Or bloodstains on bedsheets on the wedding night. How quaint.

I had a battle on my hands with HR in my work who insisted a woman's legal name changes when she marries

It's this attitude I can't stomach. For one it's wrong: the default legal position is that your name remains the same unless you actively change it. If that's what you want crack on, but trying to put women back into their boxes if they happen to have made a different choice does grate. It's constant and boring, as is the constant hair-splitting about titles. IMO these are unnecessary and obsolete, and if I had my way I wouldn't use one at all.

Two things have made me smile over the years. One is that it's usually assumed to be DH rather than Yours Truly who is 'Dr'. The other is that my in-laws refuse to acknowledge my accurate title or name and persist in addressing me as Mrs Hisname. Every. Single. Time. Must really get up their hooters. But people who like indulging in trying to teach the Little Women our place reveal far more about their own particular hang-ups than they do about me.

Grobagsforever · 29/05/2020 15:14

Can I ask why anyone cares about having the same surname as the DC? I mean, you literally grew them up in you, they are definitely yours!

I'm widowed and never took husbands name so when I travel abroad with DC I have to take birth certificates, that's literally THE ONLY consequence.

I don't get it.

MegaClutterSlut · 29/05/2020 15:18

My mum has been divorced from my dad for about 20+ years and still uses his name. He did badger her to change it but she told him to do one, she wanted the same name as us

Tbh if I divorced my husband especially with cheating involved, my name would be changed before his arse even left. I wouldn't be able to keep using it

vikingwife · 29/05/2020 15:25

I find it quite odd the argument that it’s not his name (ie ex husband) it’s the family’s name! Women who choose to keep the name of the ex husband I can understand if you had a original surname you have hated your whole childhood (ie whitehead or worse!) and couldn’t wait to change your name.

But a lot of the time on here it seems like it’s an intentional “f you” to their ex or the OW and that seems like a warped, negative reason to keep the name of an ex husband personally. Some people here sound like they kept their married name out of spite, which sounds a bit pathetic / sad....

Changing your name back to your birth surname can be empowering - reclaiming yourself, a fresh start, new beginnings.

ravenmum · 29/05/2020 15:31

It conjures up images of bustles and crinolines.
To me it conjures up images of websites that want to know what your mother's maiden name was. Or forms you have to fill in to get a passport. "Maiden name" is a standard piece of officialese, like "title" or "marital status" - or do those phrases make you think of landed gentlefolk and dowries?

SoupDragon · 29/05/2020 15:32

I find it quite odd the argument that it’s not his name (ie ex husband) it’s the family’s name!

Why? It is the family's name.

ravenmum · 29/05/2020 15:39

Women who choose to keep the name of the ex husband I can understand if you had a original surname you have hated
There are lots of reasons why people change or not. I had a very nice name before, but it's a hard-to-say English name and I live in Germany. My German name is quite unattractive - sounds quite silly - but the locals can easily pronounce and spell it. I don't instantly stand out as a nasty forinner. It's 10 letters shorter than my maiden name, so I generally have to do a lot less spelling. And as I say, my customers have known me by this name for 20 years. What with that and having to pay good money to get all my documents changed and inform all the power companies etc., it makes more sense for me not to change my name back.

AravisTarkheena · 29/05/2020 15:41

Can I ask why anyone cares about having the same surname as the DC? I mean, you literally grew them up in you, they are definitely yours!

I suppose at its most basic interpretation this is why babies takes a man’s surname as a matter of course - cos no one can dispute a birth mothers parentage of a child but men ‘give’ their name to show they are accepting the child. I don’t actually live in the 17th century so this Seems irrelevant to me,but I don’t find it surprising that people want ‘family’ names. However, I’d like to see this question posed to men - why does the baby need your surname, do you think I cheated on you?

YinMnBlue · 29/05/2020 15:48

You can revert to using your birth name at any time you like.

You don’t have to wait for the divorce, just notify everyone.

If you don’t want to change a newish passport, use both for a while. (Just make sure any travel tickets match passport). Plenty If people have 3 names anyway, work and home.

Grrrrr at the French law: that makes it very clear that names are owned by men

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