I've never seen Titanic. I want spoilers. Wrong answers only, please.

[TwatCat]

Ok so I have seen it, but AIBU to ask you for spoilers?
Wrong answers only though please!

The ship sails with an Irish captain instead of an English one in charge, he listens to the warnings, dodges the ice berg and they arrive in NY. Rose falls in love with her chamber maid and they elope with the necklace to the Wild West and open a llama farm.

Boris Johnson flies in on a zip wire to pluck Jack from the sea while Donald Trump pilots a giant helicopter which lifts Titanic before it sinks.

Morrissey sings the theme tune accompanied by The Queen on spoons and Prince Philip on the washboard.

She doesn't let go...

Jack and Cal (Rose's fiancé) are having a gay love affair which is obv frowned upon back in those days but it's handled really sensitively.

Turns out the heart of the ocean necklace was £8.99 from Argos so they stocked up from there instead of searching.

I did think the orangutan chauffeur was a step too far.

I'm finding these a lot more true to the actual story than the James Cameron film ever was.

Jack paints Rose. It's quite chilly so she keeps on her Timberland boots, tracksuit bottoms and a mohair jumper.

Rose does some energetic arm lunges while exercising on deck and her bra flies off and knocks the captain unconscious. The first mate takes control of the ship and when he sees the penis shaped iceberg approaching shouts “Ooh matron!”

Rose goes looking for Jack on the sinking ship and when she finds him slipping her fiance the sausage in a steamed up car shouts “stop mucking about!”

As the shop sinks below the waves the captain raises his head from the deck and murmurs “Infamy, infamy. They’ve all got it in for me”.

The end.

This

Rose goes into the ships hold, and spots a man with A blonde mullet and lots of tigers in a cage , She gets an idea for when her and Jack eventually get on dry land, get married and she gets her own tiger enclosure and then gets fed up with Jack and needs a younger model.

A tale of forbidden love set on a big boat.
Captain Yosser Smith, on his last voyage before redundancy is daydreaming of England and the job which awaits him on his return – manager of Thorpe Park. He spies an iceberg in the distance upon which he sees an unlikely sight; a woolly mammoth, a sabre-tooth tiger, a cronopio and a sloth.
He decides at once to rescue them and take them back to Thorpe Park to spice up the petting zoo.
Once safely on board the animals are given cabins in steerage where they mix happily with the peasants and enjoy a ceilidh every Wednesday evening and karaoke on Saturday nights, where the mammoth is a great hit with his renditions of Celine Dion songs.
Everything is fine and dandy until one Wednesday, during a particularly rowdy Walls of Limerick, cheeky Irish buffoon Leonard O’Capprio inadvertently stomps on a fossilized acorn dropped by the cronopio. A large crack appears in the sawdust-strewn floor which extends down to the hull of the big boat, splitting the Titanic in two.
The animals climb onto the mammoth, who swims off towards the iceberg. Leo swims after them and begs them to take him too.
Sid the sloth tells him to feck off and poor Leo drowns.

Their vigorous car sex and Irish dancing cause the boat to capsize long before it ever reaches the iceberg.

@draughtycatflap yours is my favourite so far! "Ooh matron" indeed.

Thanks to her knowledge of Freud, Rose isn't as shocked as she might have been when Jack takes her to the prow of the Good Ship Titanic and finds it adorned with a figurehead engaged in a dubious necrophiliac practice.

During an orgy overseen by the Captain's wife, Mabel, Rose has to rescue Jack from an altercation with the skipper involving an unpleasant incident with a broken bottle and allegations surrounding some contaminated brandy.

The 'waste' from the orgy spilling over the deck means the ship is already listing when the iceberg hoves into view. The ship is far from the only thing going down. When they hit the water, Jack offers Rose a door to float on, but she declines as she's having too much fun with the eels.

Watching this right now....they haven't taken you mumsnetter's advice....its still shit

A poor innocent iceberg is minding its own business floating in the sea, contemplating a holiday to Australia, when a boat crashes into it and proceeds to blame the accident on the iceberg, telling it it wasn't looking where it was going.

Narcissistic boat has a hissy fit and chucks itself to the bottom of the ocean and the poor iceberg is sold into slavery in America where it is broken up into ice cubes and served in whisky.

Just before the ship explodes James Bond turns up to save the day, but Rose accidentally shoots him (she's aiming at the iceberg) & then runs off with Judi Dench. Q suffers a head injury & is convinced he's Paddington Bear.
Meanwhile it's left to Jack, Molly Brown & Eve Polastri to find out who the 12 are, why they want the ship blown up & who killed Kenny.
The iceberg is Villanelle in disguise but Will Smith & the other MiB are zip wiring over the Atlantic with paint strippers to melt Villaniceberg.
Meanwhile Marty Byrde has discovered that The White Star Line are cooking the books & are actually a cover for a drugs cartel. Realising that the whole family are in danger his wife Wendy suggests they take in the Titanic, Olympic & Britannic's laundry. Power goes to Wendy's head & before long she's doing the laundry for all of the other shipping lines.
Walter White is travelling incognito in steerage after pretending to die in the meth lab. He spies on Wendy & Rose in the steamed up car & offers to make Wendy 'some powder' for her laundering operation.
Finally they all end up back in Kansas wearing red glittery Mary Janes & nothing else.

The jewel was sea glass.

Literally just as the ship starts to sink, the orchestra is joined by other musicians and then they start to 🎶" we go together like...." from Grease and then the ship just randomly leaves the water and flies to new with the passengers and crew dancing.