Those of you who are NC with their mums

[Cheesychili]

Just heard that she’s been taken to hospital, she had surgery and after a few days at home she had blood clot in her leg and was taken to hospital. My sister told me this. It’s a long story, I went NC with her because of bad childhood, physical and emotional abuse. She always put me down even as an adult, I moved away got married and kept contact to a minimum once every 2 weeks. Even then I had to mentally prepare myself to speak to her when she called. Went completely NC with her last year, she put me down again talking about how I haven’t achieved anything, I’m this and that. It was constant. I snapped, and just blocked her. Haven’t spoken to her since.

To those of you who are NC with your mum, would you reach out if she was ill at hospital? Or dying? What do you do? Tbh I have no emotional connection to her, she’s like a stranger to me and I have so much resentment and anger towards her from my bad childhood that I even find it difficult to care when I’m told she’s ill or at the hospital. I left as soon as I could. My sister tolerates her, but doesn’t like her either. My brother said ‘ I could have least called and checked on her’ .

I've been nc with my mother for 3 years. Don't regret it at all. I'd never go anywhere near her unless she approached me first with an apology. Even if she was in her death bed. Wouldn't give her the opportunity to stick the knife in.

Been nc for 8 years, and apart from a blip, 20 years before that.
No person living or dead would make me contact her...

NC with my mum, have done it before but she’s always wormed her way back in. Her last episode of shitty behaviour was epic even by her standards. Determined to remain NC as I have wasted years looking after her and listening to put me down to anyone that will listen just for laughs.
So my answer is no, I wouldn’t go if she was ill and I don’t care if anyone in my family has a problem with that.

No I would not. I have been NC with my mother for 7 years (this time around!) All I will feel when she dies is relief.

You think you will get closure but you won't. She will still find a way to make you feel like shit.

Protect yourself and give yourself the care your mother was never willing or able to provde you with

I have been in the same position with my dad and in the end decided that being ill does not make you a nice person. I have not regretted staying away.

My estranged NC Dad is dying of cancer.

He was an abusive drunk towards my mum when we were children, amongst other things.

Apparently (my sister updates me) he won’t see the end of the year.
Apart from twice, we haven’t seen each other or spoken in 20 years.

Like you, I have no emotional connection, he is a total stranger to me.
I don’t see the point in contacting him. I don’t want to. Even if he is dying.

Are you guys ever made to feel guilty of not reaching out when they're ill? To 'check on them'?

It depends how you feel about her and if you think you'd feel guilty if she died. I went NC with my mum, MIL and ex all within the space of a year.

My mum tried to find out where I lived a few years ago, I sent her a very hostile email telling her to stay away from me and my family, i will never speak to that woman again even if she's dying. I cut her out of my life for a reason and doubt i would feel guilty when she does die.

MIL got her daughter to contact me around a year ago saying MIL was dying of cancer, MIL got in touch a few weeks later and my exact words were I don't give a fuck

Just because someone is dying it doesn't make them a sudden saint, I personally woulsnt contact my own mum and i wouldnt feel guilty about it either

@Cheesychili yes, my sister has always stayed in contact with my Dad and thinks I need to ‘let bygones be bygones’.
She takes him to all of his appointments, looks after him etc. And thinks I should talk to him to let him know that I’m thinking of him, to make him feel better, to mend the relationship.
She ignores everything he put us through as kids.

Honestly, I don't know.
I do find myself wondering about this.

My dad and I had a bad and complicated relationship and we were on bad terms when he died. His death still hurt like hell when it happened.

I don't talk to my mum now, for similar reasons that you don't speak to yours. I don't know whether I would want to see her, I don't know if it would damage my relationships with my siblings (which I do value) if I refused to see her, and I don't know how I'll feel once she is dead and I no longer have the option.

I am sorry you are going through this.

No contact with mine for 20 odd years. Like pp have said I have no emotional connection whatsoever and wouldn't rush to her death bed at all.

I'm not sure, maybe to give her a piece of my mind, she'd probably make it my fault even on her death bed. Probably wouldn't get any closure.

Are you guys ever made to feel guilty of not reaching out when they're ill? To 'check on them'?

Any family I am in touch with have also been on the receiving end of her nastiness so they don't blame me at all. Friends and in-laws know what she's done and also don't blame me. The only family member ('D'sis) who is 'on her side', I am also nc with for the same reason. It's pretty much just the 2 of them as my 'D'M extended family (who I don't know or have contact with) cut her off a number of years ago.

I went NC with my in-laws and so did my DH years later, and it's been awkward during covid due to wondering if they're ok.

But the relentless verbal abuse and gaslighting from them for years wouldn't stop. They also had the opportunity to apologise and decided that they would not, and opted to slander me further. It got so bad during my pregnancy that I was shaking if DH's mum would call or come to see us.

They will never ever change. Even during the lockdown, DH thought perhaps they would see what's important and acknowledge what they did for years. But no, they are happy and slandered both of us further to other family members.

I do at times feel DH should keep distant contact with them. But he has repeatedly stated that his mum and sister keep 'doubling down' and slag me when he has asked them to stop.

It is very sad situation during a pandemic that DH doesn't talk to his family, but they're not ill so I guess it is what it is.

I'm very low contact with my mum. One (hellish) visit a year. I huge benefit of covid for me is the great excuse to miss even that.

I would visit if she was dying. The guilt would make me. As others, no positive emotional connection, only negative, I won't be sad when she does die. That makes me feel like a terrible person but it's true.

What would you like to do Cheesy? I think you need to let go of what other people think and do what’s right for you. There’s no easy answer sadly.

I've not been in this situation myself, but I think if I was, I definitely wouldn't go unless they requested to see me. If they did it would depend on how bad the reasons were for going NC in the first place.

Yes. Lots of guilt. Have you accessed the website "daughters of narcissistic mothers"? I'm working towards NC. She's a total narcissist. I tried a few times before but after my grandma stepped in I couldn't do it to her (my gran, not my mum). At those time yea, lots of guilt from every member of my family and family friends and friends of her who don't even know me. Even now I get shitty messages if I don't contact her frequently enough. My grandma has died, so working toward NC again. She managed to worm her way into my finances 10 years ago by saying she would "help" with stuff when I was at uni but she just started writing a list. I never saw said list despite asking but was told I owed her over £10k (included a secondhand car) Decided I would just pay it off, and quietly move on. But she included things on there she told me were gifts (like my wedding dress). Don't accept anything from her now. Stay strong, it's not worth the pain.

I never hear from my dm. Although this year I did get an Easter card hoping we were safe and well (cv) and that she missed the dc... A day of guilt but it passed..
She was 70 in Feb.
Not sure how on a 30 a day fag habit..

Been NC for 20years. Wouldn't contact her if I'll. Was planning finding her to finally say my piece as I needed closure, when I found she'd died 3yrs earlier. I was quite giddy with relief for days tbh & it gave me the closure I'd wanted without having to psyche myself up to see her.

I was NC with my dad, he was a violent alcoholic who never showed any interest in me. However he was hospitalised and the paramedics found my number- he was diagnosed with a rare brain disease and me and my sister decided to get involved. We visited for months and then found him a nursing home, I am going through the process of applying for deputyship for his financial affairs. It’s been incredibly hard and my mental health has taken a big knock. I dread the nursing home calling me to tell me he’s fallen or needs something.

Having said all that though, I don’t regret getting involved, the council would have taken over his affairs otherwise as he has nobody. Although he was a shit to me I feel like I’ve finally broken the cycle of dysfunction in the family by doing something to help him. I’ve doubted myself plenty of times though and completely understand the decision to not get involved. I’ll breathe a sigh of relief when it’s all over and he’s gone.

@Bookaholic73 maybe your sister is in denial? It took me a while to come to terms with everything she's done. I've always blocked everything, but last year it all just hit me and all those feelings and bad memories came back and I just had to block her.

I've been NC with my mother for years too. I've always said if she was on her death bed and she asked for me I would go. But I think that's for my conscience more than anything else.

I won't be sad when she does die. That makes me feel like a terrible person but it's true.

I've said this to a friend before, and she was shocked. I also felt bad saying it but it's how I feel. It's hard for people who've had good and nurturing mothers to understand why you don't give a fuck about your own mother because their mum is their 'world'

@Fanthorpe I want nothing to do with her. I'm just annoyed that my brother is making me feel guilty of not reaching out when she's ill or been at the hospital. He doesn't like her either, but he feels guilty which is why he continues to be there for her.