Those of you who are NC with their mums

[Cheesychili]

Just heard that she’s been taken to hospital, she had surgery and after a few days at home she had blood clot in her leg and was taken to hospital. My sister told me this. It’s a long story, I went NC with her because of bad childhood, physical and emotional abuse. She always put me down even as an adult, I moved away got married and kept contact to a minimum once every 2 weeks. Even then I had to mentally prepare myself to speak to her when she called. Went completely NC with her last year, she put me down again talking about how I haven’t achieved anything, I’m this and that. It was constant. I snapped, and just blocked her. Haven’t spoken to her since.

To those of you who are NC with your mum, would you reach out if she was ill at hospital? Or dying? What do you do? Tbh I have no emotional connection to her, she’s like a stranger to me and I have so much resentment and anger towards her from my bad childhood that I even find it difficult to care when I’m told she’s ill or at the hospital. I left as soon as I could. My sister tolerates her, but doesn’t like her either. My brother said ‘ I could have least called and checked on her’ .

OP my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly 4 weeks ago and I am heart broken we were the best of friends I adored her I am also 37 weeks pregnant with my first and this is truly the worst pain I could ever imagine.
However my sister had been NC with me mum and dad for past 3 years my dad rang her the night it happened and she has just swanned back in with all the tears of guilt I've hated every second of having to be around her and her being in the chapel of rest and at the funeral when she has said awful awful things about my mum recently to my other sisters but my dad is too fragile right now to see it all

Not sure what I'm trying to say. Be sure you are sure your happy to be NC if the worst happens

Life's short I've just found out

I went nc last year after years of constant grinding down.

She had a medical emergency last year and being the geographically closest, I responded to my siblings request for help, went in the ambulance and visited afterwards. She thought everything was fixed after this, and was shocked when I told her that the reasons for the nc remained.

Enter covid19 and boom, same all over again. Same expectations from siblings, same grinding down, criticism, judging, negativity, forced helplessness.

My MH is shot to pieces op. It took me a long time to go NC, and the improvement in my MH when I did was remarkable.

Don't be sucked back in. If you're sure, and have the conviction that you're doing what's right, stick to your guns.

You need to do whatever you’re comfortable living with. It’s quite heartbreaking reading these posts.

No. I did consider getting in touch when Covid started but I knew how it would turn out, everything is about her and what she wants. She'd have made mine and my DC's lives impossible.

She's spent my whole of my life controlling and manipulating me, getting worse once I had children. She has created so much stress that my children have witnessed and she just wants to sweep it under the carpet. There would never be an apology. Life is so much calmer now, I won't be inviting that back into our lives.

She's got my brother, the golden child, he's finally had to step up and pull his weight with her - from what I've heard I don't think it's going well. Not my problem.

@Cheesychili yes I do think she is in denial. That seems to be her way of coping with anything, just pretend it hasn’t happened, plaster on a smile and carry on.
She was the one who had to mop up my mums split lips, cuts, wounds etc when he beat her, so I’ll never understand why.

I am NC with my mother over a year now. It’s the best decision I could have made. I wish that I did it 20 years ago instead of suffering her.
My sisters would make me feel guilty if she was on her deathbed. I would visit very briefly just to comfort them. It would not be for my own conscience - I am done with that woman.

Your brother is trying to lessen the impact she has on him by sharing it with you. In a ‘normal’ family that’s fine, if course. But in an abusive /dysfunctional one it just means more damage. It’s miserable.

My husband is no contact with his mum. In our experience, if they believe illness will make you contact then they'll fake every illness under the sun to manipulate you.

Not quite the same but i went NC with my grandmother. Nasty woman, always degrading and upsetting my dad with nasty digs and comments, nothing he ever did was good enough for her, only ever gave a shit about my uncle, his wife and their 2 boys, so much so the people she worked with thought they were her only grandchildren, not realising she had another 8 granddaughters and then when my cousin had her baby she called my dad to tell him she was finally a great grandmother (my son was 4!) And at a family gathering was marching around with her telling everyone to look at her great granddaughter with her back to my son like he didn't exist. Managed to make her own sisters funeral about herself, uncle and 'the boys. She got diagnosed with cancer but no one believed her because she would literally lie about it several times a year to the point someone had to go to the appointments with her. She turned very quickly and i called her to keep the peace with my dad, when she died i sat and thought if i was right to go NC with her, and i knew it was. She still managed to upset my dad on her death bed, being old isnt an excuse to be vile and she had always been like it. Theres consequences for ones actions and not knowing my kids was hers.

NC with my mother for about 11 years now best decision I made she brought nothing but misery to my life. I feel nothing for her there’s no emotional connection there at all.

I do miss having a mum like I see other people having a lovely nuturing mum and my DC don’t have and Grandmas which is sad as DHs mum is dead.

I am no contact with a close relative and will not be contacting them if they become ill or are dying. They made their choices when I was young and vulnerable, I have no pity for them.

I went NC with my Mum in 2012. It was a massive relief and my life improved without her in it.
Last summer, my brother called to say he had found her dead at home. I didn’t feel bad at the time and I don’t feel bad about it now. I had sometimes wondered what I would do if she became ill and I’d decided I wouldn’t make contact. She’d had a brain aneurysm in 2015 and didn’t ask for me or anything so that sort of helped, I think.

I went to the funeral for the sake of my brother because he had a close relationship with her and he had worked so hard on the funeral itself.

I was NC with my Mum for years - my Dad asked me to go down shortly before she died, and I travelled down with my sister.
In retrospect, I think I'm glad that I did, maybe it made me regret the NC thing at times when I think back - but in my heart of hearts I know that if I'd not gone NC, my MH probably would have suffered. In some ways I regret that we didn't have an adult relationship and we weren't able to talk about stuff that happened as a child/teenager.
Really complex relationship with a lot of issues - I think visiting gave me some resolution, and she was aware that I was there; I think we only stayed an hour or so

No, no and no.

Keep protecting yourself from the toxic shite. Even on death beds, abusers are still cunts.

No, I wouldn't.

Even my brother, who is DMs golden boy, understands why.

I will not do anything out of a misplaced sense of duty. & I won't feel guilty about it. I deserve my peace, and my Mum ruined it for many, many years. I owe her nothing.

A friend last year went to see her dying Dad, he'd treated her horrendously in childhood and she went NC with him years ago. She said she felt nothing, seeing him on hospital bed. He was the one who asked to see her
That absolvement thing. You know best how you feel OP, sit have a quiet think and go with what you decide. It's a very personal decision.

I was minimal contact with my mum, very long and painful story for me. I should never have been born
I had a call to say she had been taken into hospital, DH took me there straight away.
She still called me a shit daughter, struggling to breathe, I still held her hand. Left to go home and said I would be back with biscuits, a clean nightie and toiletries the next day.
Had a call in the meantime to go back.
It was a silent time, sitting with her as she took her last breath.That woman beat me, I was in care on and off and confused for the first 10 years of my life. She displayed a level of neglect that made me a much fucking stronger mother than she could ever be and she knew it, hated me for it. The silence as she took her last breath blew me away and affected me for a long time. We all have our own stories. I've forgiven her in my head but the toxicity hits me now and again.

I have no contact with my mother and still don’t have an easy answer to your question.

Part of the difficulty for in my case is that my mother wasn’t the abusive one. I think that would make it easier to stand by the no contact approach, even at the end of life.

What my mother did was stand by the abusive parent for some years after it was disclosed. She doesn’t seem to show any insight into the damage that did, even if they are no longer together now.

I think my mother is not very self-aware, empathetic or independent, perhaps in no small part due how to she was raised (but this is an unknown, as she never talked about or had contact with her family). I don’t know how much of her conduct can be ascribed to her own upbringing and manipulation at the hands of my abusive parent.

At times, I think of how deeply I love my child, and how painful it would be for him to turn his back on me. I feel very sad that she may be feeling similar, without really understanding why I have done so. She may well have been doing her best for most of my upbringing, and I have no doubt that she loved me.

However, I also feel enormous sadness and anger for how my sibling suffered from one parent’s abuse, and the other parent’s lack of unconditional support. And that feels like a drop of cyanide in a glass of water - even if the water is ok, it’s not safe to drink anymore.

I have no idea what to do when the time comes, or if I’ll even be notified. So I just try not to think about it. I wish you peace and comfort, whatever you decide.

No I would not visit her in hospital, or at her funeral. My sister would definitely try to make me feel bad about that (see my other thread) but I wouldn't care.

@TylluanBach I don’t have the words to convey how I admire the strength you showed. She didn’t deserve you. I hope you’ve found love and comfort you deserve elsewhere.

I agree friends dont get it if their parents are easy. I do the minimum with mine. They me me me. Gets draining listening to it. Sister says I have a duty to her. I envy close families.

Also, if I was sick, dying whatever, the absolutely last thing I'd want would be any contact from my mum. It would cause nothing but stress for me at a time when it was the last thing I needed. My family can tell her after I'm dead.

NC with both my parents. One hasn't been in contact since childhood, is still alive AFAIK. Other died recently, didn't go to see them beforehand or go to the funeral. I'm sure people judged, but I dont care, they didn't have to live through what I did.

It's difficult on another level when they pass away though. I felt bad that I didn't feel bad, if that makes sense? A lot of grief for the parent I didn't have, but wanted so much. The realisation that there would be no closure, explanation or apology for everything that happened. I wouldn't have had one anyway, but the finality of it hit much harder than I imagined.

NC with my narc mum. If I was told she was ill and in hospital I would actually struggle to believe her. One of the ways she consistently uses to get attention is to make up illnesses. She will usually try and get herself admitted to hospital so she will be believed. This sometimes backfires when she gets sectioned, she is diagnosed bipolar - the one illness she won't admit to having.
Obviously different to your mothers situation but even if she was actually ill I probably still wouldn't reach out as it would start the cycle of abuse over again

I went NC with my mother for around 3 years and made contact when I found out she had cancer. I didn’t want to have to live with the guilt if she died and I regretted it later. She didn’t die and recovered well and is still not a nice person. I speak to her once in a while now and wish I didn’t have to. I’ve kept contact because I’ve had a baby since and don’t want to deprive him of family. She’s only horrible to me for whatever reason.

Family members have always guilted me about it but they haven’t had to deal with the same crap I did and it makes me feel isolated because there’s nobody to back me up.

I would say it’s a personal decision and depends on how you would feel if she didn’t recover. It’s tough when you’re dealt the card of having bad parents.