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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be so mad at him

65 replies

ER123 · 27/05/2020 15:41

I feel so angry and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve been off work since the lockdown however I had some work today so was away from the house for just over 4 hours so my partner has been looking after our 2 year old daughter today.

While I was working we did receive some crappy news (long story short we booked a wedding venue for next year before the lockdown and then obviously since lockdown I haven’t been working so we decided to cancel the wedding but the venue wants 25% of the fee and basically aren’t budging on letting us off the extras on the package that we hoped they’d disregard in the fee) anyway so that’s all happened so my partner and I have been feeling down about it and so on, but, anyway today, I came home, we were sitting in the garden playing with our little one and about 30mins later I decided to start tonight’s dinner before I went to the shower and I just asked what our little one had for lunch and my partner was having to think and then turned round and said sh#t, she’s not had anything!!!!

Ok she wasn’t overly hungry but was so pleased when I made something quickly for her to eat, am I being unreasonable to be so enraged that he couldn’t remember to feed our child?!

And what has pissed me off even more is how he goes about it, doesn’t like confrontation so doesn’t get why I am so angry, bear in mind I am not arguing with him but clearly pissed off. And has the cheek to tell me to go away when I ask him some questions when he is outside and we are away from our child. I never want to argue in front of her so tend to not do so but she can clearly see my frustration.

Am I unreasonable or is this definitely something valid to be so, so angry about?

He does tend to zone out when there is issues but c’mon, I’ve been through it all and have been so depressed lately because of everything (newly self employed so no furlough, no government grant no universal credit, no NOTHING!) but I’d never forget to feed my child!!

OP posts:

Hawkin · 27/05/2020 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuacksInTheDark · 27/05/2020 15:44

Unless he’s usually a useless arse when it comes to your DD let it go, she’s hardly going to suffer from one missed lunch is she? We all make silly mistakes as parents I’m sure you have too? No harm done here really.

rowrowrowyaboat · 27/05/2020 15:45

Well thats neglect surely? Sounds like a lucky escape not to be marrying such an inconsiderate selfish manchild if you ask me...

mynameiscalypso · 27/05/2020 15:45

Did he manage to have lunch himself? I bet he did.

Monsterjam · 27/05/2020 15:46

I often miss feeding mine at ideal times as we are busy playing something, if she’s ok I don’t think I could be very worked up about it

AKissAndASmile · 27/05/2020 15:48

Hmmm, if she was hungry she certainly would have let him know. Humans aren't designed to eat at rigid set meal times. I'd let it go.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 27/05/2020 15:49

It’s not great, but most 2 year olds could convey that they’re hungry? Unless my child was distressed I’d get over it pretty quickly.

Neverender · 27/05/2020 15:51

Personally I think that's terrible. If a childminder or nursery did that then you wouldn't send them back.

strugglingwithdeciding · 27/05/2020 15:52

God I must of neglected my children then as I'm sure they've missed lunch at times but at 2 they would definitely made a point if they were hungry.
As others as said if he's normally fine and it's a one off why worry

RedskyAtnight · 27/05/2020 15:53

I would have thought the 2 year old would have let him know if she was hungry tbh. sounds like she wasn't bothered.

strugglingwithdeciding · 27/05/2020 15:54

He also didn't purposefully not feed her so hardly neglect as people were saying , maybe she was asleep during lunchtime and he forgot ,
Forgetting to feed a child once at lunchtime hardly constitutes neglect and not comparable to a nursery who would be paid to do and have set times etc ,

BeebSleeve · 27/05/2020 15:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

WorraLiberty · 27/05/2020 15:57

am I being unreasonable to be so enraged that he couldn’t remember to feed our child?!

Yes, total overreaction.

I'd be slightly irked but if it's the first time, I certainly wouldn't be 'enraged'. I would've let it drop.

In fact I'm pretty sure I've gone past lunch when my kids were little and then thought 'oh shit', or they've had to remind me.

Original poster

ER123 · 27/05/2020 15:58

Yeah I kind of feel like she wasn’t starving and wasn’t complaining so I should let it go but it’s just another thing on the list of him being fairly selfish and not thinking of others. He had in fact eaten himself, not a proper lunch but I made him a cheese bap before I left at 9.30am as I was making my packed lunch, didn’t make one for her as she doesn’t like a bap, but never thought he’d forget to make anything for her!

I do feel like I have another child with him and I have started to be a bit vocal of my feelings as I’m trying to juggle bringing up a child with studying a law degree as well as working just over part time hours, and on top of that I am the one who 99% of the time does the cleaning, the cooking and the shopping and I am starting to get fed up of it all. I never used to be an unhappy person and I used to do it all with no fuss but now I’ve got our daughter and a law degree to think of I am getting fed up.

Tiny issue but for the past year or so, because of everything that’s going on (also legal dispute with our house builder which has taken a lot out of us), I decided that I’m not going to be the one tidying his clothes away anymore and he finally kept his clothes last night (which accumulated into 2 full baskets) after literally 4 weeks, not even joking, I keep my clothes and our daughters and I do everything else so that is something I will not budge on!!

Sorry for the rant but I’m just at my wits end!!

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 27/05/2020 16:00

Missing one lunch isn't neglectful, it's a mistake. She clearly wasn't hungry - any of mine would have been baying for food if they were at all peckish.

crispysausagerolls · 27/05/2020 16:00

I’d be furious he ate a fucking sandwich and didn’t think to feed her!

SeriouslySoDoneIn · 27/05/2020 16:02

My 2 year d regularly goes without lunch by choice (or eats a very tiny amount and decides he doesn’t want it anymore!) But in the same way, he’ll sure as heck let me know when he’s hungry! All 2 year olds would, and it’d be impossible to ignore unless he was deliberately not allowing her to eat.

Dillo10 · 27/05/2020 16:02

Some people are so quick to jump in with words like "neglect" (same people who scream "abuse" when someone says their partner told them to fuck off once lol)

I'd be annoyed but I'd get over it

Mylittlepony374 · 27/05/2020 16:06

Seems like you're angry about the missed lunch because it's part of a wider picture of uselessness.
One missed lunch is not a big deal. She's not distressed so obviously not really hungry. A pattern of not bothering to feed her would be a huge deal.

pastapestoparmesan · 27/05/2020 16:06

He sounds like a complete waste of space to me. Why are you planning to marry him, what are his good points?

Original poster

ER123 · 27/05/2020 16:07

I get that this will spark up a debate. And believe me he isn’t a bad person at all, he is a really nice partner, and is generally a good father to our daughter, especially with play time etc, but he’s not a great father when it comes to being responsible.

And I am so annoyed with how he reacts because he never wants to talk through issues, wants to forget, I don’t think that’s fair, he never feels like he does anything wrong and just wants me to forget all that he does when he’s in the wrong.

OP posts:

LGY1 · 27/05/2020 16:12

Both of them not having lunch = annoying that you feel you have to pick up his slack

Him having lunch & not feeding your daughter = prick! And to use a MN phrase, I’d be raging!!

mynameiscalypso · 27/05/2020 16:13

I think there's a massive difference between offering lunch and a 2 year old not wanting any/eating any and not bothering to think about them at all. It sounds like the latter to me. He sat down and ate his lunch and didn't think 'oh maybe I should check to see whether DD wants lunch?'. That's not great in my book.

pumpkinbump · 27/05/2020 16:14

I'm shocked at the YABU votes here.

Firstly, it's disgusting that the didn't think to feed his own child, made worse by having a bap himsef, even that wasn't enough to consider that his daughter might be hungry.

My daughter is 2 in July and she rarely let's me know she is hungry. If she is happy playing in the garden and dinner is going to be later I will compensate by giving her an extra yoghurt, rice cake or fruit.

How often does he care for her alone? My concern would be that this could have happened more than once.

My ex was the same with our daughter. He didn't and still doesn't have a clue how to care for a child so he doesn't have her alone. He's made terrible mistakes in the past and I don't trust him at all. He's very selfish and doesn't seem to ever have his wits about him, he's a drip basically. But he was like your partner, when I would go mad over things he did or didn't do, he wouldn't have it. Wouldn't accept what he did wrong and wouldn't accept me having a go.

The fact that you do everything is another issue. My God, how do you study, work and also do everything around the house and for your daughter? Why on earth does he not pull his weight?

I don't think I'd be signing up for married life with someone like him.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 27/05/2020 16:15

A one off is not neglecting your child, your 2yo would have shown if she was truly starving. If she was happy and he was happy just let it slide. If this is just a long line of how crap he is then maybe that’s why you’re so pissed off?

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