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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be so mad at him

65 replies

ER123 · 27/05/2020 15:41

I feel so angry and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve been off work since the lockdown however I had some work today so was away from the house for just over 4 hours so my partner has been looking after our 2 year old daughter today.

While I was working we did receive some crappy news (long story short we booked a wedding venue for next year before the lockdown and then obviously since lockdown I haven’t been working so we decided to cancel the wedding but the venue wants 25% of the fee and basically aren’t budging on letting us off the extras on the package that we hoped they’d disregard in the fee) anyway so that’s all happened so my partner and I have been feeling down about it and so on, but, anyway today, I came home, we were sitting in the garden playing with our little one and about 30mins later I decided to start tonight’s dinner before I went to the shower and I just asked what our little one had for lunch and my partner was having to think and then turned round and said sh#t, she’s not had anything!!!!

Ok she wasn’t overly hungry but was so pleased when I made something quickly for her to eat, am I being unreasonable to be so enraged that he couldn’t remember to feed our child?!

And what has pissed me off even more is how he goes about it, doesn’t like confrontation so doesn’t get why I am so angry, bear in mind I am not arguing with him but clearly pissed off. And has the cheek to tell me to go away when I ask him some questions when he is outside and we are away from our child. I never want to argue in front of her so tend to not do so but she can clearly see my frustration.

Am I unreasonable or is this definitely something valid to be so, so angry about?

He does tend to zone out when there is issues but c’mon, I’ve been through it all and have been so depressed lately because of everything (newly self employed so no furlough, no government grant no universal credit, no NOTHING!) but I’d never forget to feed my child!!

OP posts:

MsTSwift · 27/05/2020 19:38

What do you are both working but this wet lettuce does nothing? Are you his maid? I couldn’t be bothered with him.

thenamesarealltaken · 27/05/2020 19:47

Ok, so he had forgotten, he's not used to it as you do the main child care? It's not his usual routine? There was no fuss made by your child?
The second you asked, he was shocked at forgetting and was honest about it immediately.

Hey, I bet he felt bad enough about that. He might have reflected and apologised, even proposed a solution going forward in cases like that- if given the chance. But you say you were enraged, so he probably had no chance to.

I think most people try to avoid such conflict when the aim is to receive a barrage of verbal criticism or even abuse, certainly being made to feel a lot worse than they do already.

Maybe next time, if your partner is not in his usual routine and caring for your child, set an alarm on his phone or something - as we all know how sometimes time just seems to pass by so quickly.

Neglect is too strong a word here - it's best not to use that word for a mistake when operating out of your normal routine.

I suggest calm down and come up with a solution going forward.

thenamesarealltaken · 27/05/2020 19:58

Hi ER123, just read your response and yes, it certainly does sound like you do most things, so as the others suggest, time to divide up the chores, etc., and then let him do his bit without interfering at all, no matter how worse than you he might do it. Divide the chores based on something you both prefer of course or you could rotate so its fair. But when he's doing his tasks, he has to be left to do it and not criticised as I know so many do when it's not matching their high standards. If tour partner has always had everything done for him, he'll never learn.

icansmellburningleaves · 27/05/2020 20:20

@strugglingwithdeciding it doesn’t have to be be deliberate for something to be neglectful, but as you say this is hardly neglectful. If the child had been hungry, she would have let him know. I don’t know how he forgot if he fed himself though!

redwinefine · 27/05/2020 20:26

shocked at the YABU votes here. It's sounds like you're having a really rough time and having to deal with it all by yourself. As a PP said, people don't change and if it takes him 4 weeks to wash his clothes it suggests he thought you'd cave and do it for him. You need to think about if you are going into this marriage hoping he'll change because it's not going to happen.

GobletOfIre · 27/05/2020 20:40

He’s a wanker. How can you forget to feed a 2 year old? That’s really shit. Plus he’s basically saying to you ‘oops, you’d better look after our child all the time’.

Wipe the floor with him.

TwistyHair · 27/05/2020 20:50

I get forgetting if you’re out and about doing something really fun and time slips by. But not eating in front of your child and not offering them anything. Stop looking at him as needing to ‘help’ you. Because that makes it sound like he’s doing you a favour anytime he helps. He’s not. He’s just being a responsible adult. Like you are. Bet you don’t saying you’re ‘helping’ him when you do the washing up.

Andylion · 27/05/2020 20:58

Him having lunch & not feeding your daughter

And he did even make his own lunch!

Andylion · 27/05/2020 21:00

It's not really neglect for one meal is it???

Neglect? No.
Idiocy? Laziness? Definitely.

pumpkinbump · 27/05/2020 21:07

Another thing, which thankfully he has been getting better at lately, is disciplining our girl when we’re out and about, I was always the one having to shout after her if she was straying away while we were out or doing something she wasn’t supposed to, pretty much everything you would need to call after or shout after, always me

My ex was and still is like this. We have had numerous arguments about the fact that he refuses to discipline her. It's always me. He even laughs when she's being told off by me, completely undermining me. He wants to be the fun one, the nice one. He even had me hold her at all her jabs (I would have anyway) but he purposely looked away as he didn't want her to associate him with her feeling pain. Completely pathetic.

lyralalala · 27/05/2020 21:14

I’d be really pissed off in your shoes.

Losing track of time having fun and both of them missing lunch is one thing. Eating his own lunch and not making her any suggests to me that he feels making lunch is your job.

theThreeofWeevils · 27/05/2020 21:14

He did't 'forget'. You don't forget to feed a child, not if you are a functioning adult. He couldn't be arsed and hopes he won't be left to do woman's work again.

He's an arse.

indemMUND · 27/05/2020 22:09

An adult in charge of a child should not forget to provide food. He ate. But didn't consider her? What else did he forget or not consider? Bloody ridiculous.

Feedingthebirds1 · 27/05/2020 23:23

I am the one who 99% of the time does the cleaning, the cooking and the shopping

And I am so annoyed with how he reacts because he never wants to talk through issues, wants to forget, I don’t think that’s fair, he never feels like he does anything wrong and just wants me to forget all that he does when he’s in the wrong. (You're not Mrs Cummings, are you )

And then...believe me he isn’t a bad person at all, he is a really nice partner

Seriously, he is not a good or nice partner. He may be better than previous partners you've had, that doesn't make him good.

He lives his life on his terms while you run round after him making his life cushy. Backbone girl! You deserve better than this.

JovialNickname · 28/05/2020 01:43

I think that's awful.. in what universe can you remember to feed yourself (important) but not your child (unimportant). For those saying oh she'll let you know if she's hungry - is that how we parent now? Don't bother changing her nappy, she'll let you know once she's sore from sitting in her own poo. Don't feed her, she'll probably cry with distress from it at some point so you can work it out then. Not very nice!

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