Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so mad at him

65 replies

ER123 · 27/05/2020 15:41

I feel so angry and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve been off work since the lockdown however I had some work today so was away from the house for just over 4 hours so my partner has been looking after our 2 year old daughter today.

While I was working we did receive some crappy news (long story short we booked a wedding venue for next year before the lockdown and then obviously since lockdown I haven’t been working so we decided to cancel the wedding but the venue wants 25% of the fee and basically aren’t budging on letting us off the extras on the package that we hoped they’d disregard in the fee) anyway so that’s all happened so my partner and I have been feeling down about it and so on, but, anyway today, I came home, we were sitting in the garden playing with our little one and about 30mins later I decided to start tonight’s dinner before I went to the shower and I just asked what our little one had for lunch and my partner was having to think and then turned round and said sh#t, she’s not had anything!!!!

Ok she wasn’t overly hungry but was so pleased when I made something quickly for her to eat, am I being unreasonable to be so enraged that he couldn’t remember to feed our child?!

And what has pissed me off even more is how he goes about it, doesn’t like confrontation so doesn’t get why I am so angry, bear in mind I am not arguing with him but clearly pissed off. And has the cheek to tell me to go away when I ask him some questions when he is outside and we are away from our child. I never want to argue in front of her so tend to not do so but she can clearly see my frustration.

Am I unreasonable or is this definitely something valid to be so, so angry about?

He does tend to zone out when there is issues but c’mon, I’ve been through it all and have been so depressed lately because of everything (newly self employed so no furlough, no government grant no universal credit, no NOTHING!) but I’d never forget to feed my child!!

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 27/05/2020 16:21

Not just the feeding, but I would also be concerned about getting dehydrated in this weather if she has not drunk enough?

THEDEACON · 27/05/2020 16:51

you need to think very carefully about your future with this man There is more to it than him not feeding dd once

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/05/2020 17:01

Whilst I don't think missing a meal is neglect, I do feel you have serious DP issues. He sounds like a lazy, selfish man-child. Surely when he went to eat, it would have crossed his mind his child was hungry?!

If you are planning to stay with this person, you need to stop enabling him. He needs to performing more of the household chores, cooking and childcare. You say you made him a bap for later whilst you made your packed lunch..yeah, no. He had ready access to the kitchen and he is more than capable of making his own. Stop enabling him to be a man-child.

TwentyViginti · 27/05/2020 17:26

Yet another busy woman who saddled herself with a man child. You need to stop parenting HIM, and divide the chores up between you.

crimsonlake · 27/05/2020 17:33

You made him lunch, you went to work....came home and are now making dinner? Says it all really...exactly what has he been doing all day?

Standupthisisnotateaparty · 27/05/2020 17:35

How can you forget to feed a child if you remembered to eat yourself. I can understand if they were having fun and he didn’t eat either but I am struggling to believe his story.

Gre8scott · 27/05/2020 17:38

It's not really neglect for one meal is it??? Maybe every day

Azerothi · 27/05/2020 17:41

Has your boyfriend always been like this or just since you wanted a child together?

RedPanda2 · 27/05/2020 17:41

Stop raising him, he's not your son. The missed lunch is crap but not unforgivable, but you said he us a good father and partner. It doesn't sound like he IS a partner though if you're doing everything. I wouldn't marry him, but if you do please remember that you knew this before you did.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 27/05/2020 17:57

If he was contrite that would be one thing, but he just wants to stick is head in the sand when it comes to doing any adulting. And no, he's not a good father, he's a Disney Dad. You do all the responsibility and the shitwork, and the cooking and the cleaning and the law degree. Read it back to yourself. You say you never used to be an unhappy person Sad Take the cancellation as a sign, and he needs to buck his ideas up.

MsTSwift · 27/05/2020 18:01

What a wet lettuce. What is the point of him exactly?

NC2031 · 27/05/2020 18:15

I think we've all done it at some point or another. I've done it with my son, busy moving house he was sat on his ipad while I was putting everything in its place. I think it was about 3pm when he came to me and said mum I'm hungry. Genuine mistake, wasn't done intentionally, no harm done.

If it was a genuine "shit i forgot" moment, I'd let it go.

MsTSwift · 27/05/2020 18:16

Speak for yourself

madcatladyforever · 27/05/2020 18:23

Sorry but he sounds like a pathetic waste of space who views you as nothing but a maid and can't even be bothered to feed your child while he is stuffing his own face.
I wouldn't stand for this - things would change pretty damned quick or he'd be given his marching orders in my house.
I hope you only made dinner for you and your daughter not him.

madcatladyforever · 27/05/2020 18:24

P,S Don't marry him for Gods sake.

WelcomeToTheNorth · 27/05/2020 18:24

I don’t think it’s a LTB, child neglect moment but yeah this would irritate me.

I made a lovely tea for my two tonight and my two year old hasn’t eaten a bite. Says she doesn’t want anything (too busy playing) I never know what to do in these situations.

chatterbugmegastar · 27/05/2020 18:31

I'm a bit unclear as to how he wouldn't offer her lunch when he ate his ??!! Was she napping? Did he offer and she said no - and then he forgot to ask again?

Azaziel · 27/05/2020 18:33

I’d be livid op! I can’t believe all the people on here that thinks it’s ok to forget to feed your child! I’ve never forgotten to feed any of my children! I know once isn’t going to harm them, but she’s barely more than a baby. She shouldn’t be left hungry or have the responsibility out on her to have to remind her useless father. I wonder if he makes food for her normally op? If he doesn’t then it may have been a case of her thinking I have to wait for mummy to come home so I can have something to eat. Like pp have said, if this happened at a nursery or with a childminder there’d be hell to pay! You’d take them out and never look back, probably report them aswell. But you think her own father would have cared for her a little more than that

Original poster
ER123 · 27/05/2020 18:47

Just want to say thank you to everyone for your responses, it does give me a lot to think about definitely, and I certainly know things do need to change (looking at the bigger picture and not just the one-missed-meal thing), but unfortunately we have been through this before, the lack of doing something important or the lack of not being responsible or the lack of helping out around the house, but hopefully since I have expressed how sad, tired and fed up I am I think he knows how serious I am and how serious, who knows, we’ll see. He has been offering a lot of help this evening, but why does it have to get to this point for some help?! If it lasts, fair enough, I know he’s trying his best to be better then.

Yes I definitely need to stop enabling him to be this irresponsible person, I have done a lot in the past for him, he’s a mummy’s boy unfortunately and I didn’t help by doing more around the house than I should, but since our daughter and starting the law degree in the same year I have made it clear I need more help around the house and that’s why I have stopped doing certain things like keeping his clothes! But he needs to do a LOT more definitely, I have been even considering finding new work with more hours since we’ve lost out on a lot of money with me losing work during the lockdown but then I think why should I! Fair enough if I could trust that the house won’t be a tip when I get home from work but it’s so tiring coming home and clearing someone else’s mess. Yes he’s having all his fun playing with our little one and I’m the one having to clear up.

Another thing, which thankfully he has been getting better at lately, is disciplining our girl when we’re out and about, I was always the one having to shout after her if she was straying away while we were out or doing something she wasn’t supposed to, pretty much everything you would need to call after or shout after, always me, so we had the discussion bla bla bla and I decided you know what, I’m not going to be that one today and let him call after her. I was getting so frustrated at being the one always shouting after her! I don’t want her to think I’m always shouting at her and dad’s the best! Thankfully she tends to come to me more for cuddles etc so I don’t think I’ve done too much shouting compared to the one who allowed her to do anything!

I am so sad because compared to some other men I have been with he is nice, really nice at times, but he is also lazy, selfish, irresponsible, messy and at times childish.

For the ones who said missing one meal isn’t neglect etc. No it certainly isn’t, but, he had in fact made himself a gin at one point before I came home, now I’m not saying this to purposefully to make him look bad, he doesn’t normally drink this early! And he only had the 1 but he had the time to make himself a gin during this busy day he had that made him forget her lunch!

OP posts:
Twigletfairy · 27/05/2020 18:51

Being a good father apart from anything that requires responsibility, is not being a good father

Bluetrews25 · 27/05/2020 18:58

How many chances are you going to give him?
People don't change, you know.

RedPanda2 · 27/05/2020 19:10

Here's you're problem- 'I am so sad because compared to some other men I have been with he is nice, really nice at times'
Your bar is very low that a man doing bare minimum things is seen as an improvement. I know you've got a lot on but therapy would be a really wise in investment in your self esteem so you stop being treated this way and feel it's all you deserve OP

Vodkacranberryplease · 27/05/2020 19:24

There could be reasons behind this eg undiagnosed adhd. I myself am useless at housework and forgetting things and while I don't expect anyone to mop up after me equally it's something I can not change no matter how hard I try. Then it potentially becomes a source of conflict but that doesn't make me remember. Of course everyone thinks if you just try harder you can change but that's not how it works. I am, however brilliant in other ways. 😁

Anyway even if it's not that it's more likely that's just him and when he makes these mistakes he feels deeply ashamed hence the anger. So while you are NOT his mum you perhaps need to put systems in place to help prevent this kind of thing and make him do a lot more of the things he can do. There are various books about being married to someone like this - it's a real relationship killer because playing mummy and doing telling off is not a good husband/wife dynamic - but being useless is equally shit.

Solving it is about working with what you have and being realistic. A missed lunch is not going to kill anyone and if he remembers 10 times out of 11 then it's 'good enough'. Besides he wasn't stranded in the Gobi desert and if she was hungry she would have said.

Next time don't make him lunch aAnd when he's getting his he can do hers. As for the washing - just tell him it's all good but he needs to do his own from now on. Then find a cupboard or somewhere you just throw it all and when he runs out of stuff to wear he will do it. As long as you don't have to see/smell it that's his problem.

Vodkacranberryplease · 27/05/2020 19:30

OP you've hit the nail on the head about enabling. Grab yourself a gin too and sit down together and make a list of household tasks - then divide it up.

Put the list on the fridge. Do not expect perfection and do remember lots of praise when he does it well (I know, you shouldn't have to but do you want results, or to be right?) include stuff like paying bills, taking children to doctor/dentist and anything he currently does (I suspect that won't be many of the items).

He's not your child and if you continue to mother him you will find that your marriage will not work. You are doing him no favours. He's an adult.

MashedSpud · 27/05/2020 19:38

Bloody hell.

I won’t eat lunch without checking my cats got food and he sits there stuffing his face with a bap he can’t even make himself and doesn’t feed your child....