To dread the school run?

[suchclearwater]

I hate it. But everyone else is gathering at the school gates chatting away with big smiles on their faces. What is wrong with me? Why do I have to hide in the car? I wish I wasn't so shy. I doubt that many of the mums even know my name.

Well ours won’t be like that for a while as they are doing staggered drop offs/pick ups. 15 children at a time. Plus no gathering on the playground or at the gates according to the guidance we’ve been sent.

sauvignonblancplz, have your dc not ever had playdates?

We help each other out for example if one sibling is poorly, a neighbour will walk the other sibling to school, we lift share to birthday parties and some after school activities. It's all friendly and relaxed. We are not in each others pockets though. I am the same with colleagues, I get on with most people but I don't necessarily socialise withe my colleagues or school gate crowd on a regular basis. It's friendly, normal and easy going.

@Roryrunner They definitely did, I was being genuine and not antagonistic when I say I genuinely don’t remember how they came about as I was working, maybe at a birthday party I exchanged numbers.
Yes I have availed off and given lifts on many occasions esp in the recent years but I still couldn’t tell you much about the parents etc or would have much to chat about other than the weather & general chat about kids.

I don't recognise this whole 'clique' of school mums that people talk about. Never have. You seem a bit sensitive, no-one os looking a you or talking about you, they're all concerned with their own worries.
I go in, say hi, chat sometimes to lots of different people, mums AND dads, pick up my kid and go. the only parents I really see more than that are the parents of my kids friends.

I had "school run mum friends" I felt great about it, until one DH of the mum fell out with my partner, and dragged me along for the ride.
Next thing I know the other people in this group turned thier backs on me too.
For a few months I couldn't face the school run and sent DP to do it... until one day I though f- this. My son needs me and nobody should stop me.

I walked in and mum in question was walking towards me, face like thunder, i happily said "hello X" with a smile and continued to walk... she looks totally shell shocked and said hello back.

Now I tend to go to school a little later to avoid the standing in the playground bit, and when paths cross with these mums I say a cheerily hello. Dont always get a response, but I've learned not to care.

I must admit I'm happier not doing the school run though.

Try not to let the school run become a place of fear, you're doing it for your DC at the end of the day. Nobody else. Nor always easy, because I even get the fear, but I try to overcome best I can.

Not to mention, if your feeling lonely and scared, there's other mums feeling exactly the same too. You're not alone, and also - your missing nothing not being "friends" with playground mums.

Social distancing will now be the perfect excuse not to bother with any of this stuff

Other parents have picked up my kids when I'm running late and I for them. It's useful to have a few that you have the numbers for. I live very close to school and WFH so often get the call from parents, which I really don't mind and they've helped me out in a jam too in the past.

You see where we are people generally have family living within 20/30 mins so there’s a lot of grandparents to help if a child was sick etc .
It wouldn’t be the norm to phone a mum at school.

I was really horrified of it when my dc was before school age, to see all those parents at the school gate. We live near the school. Once you are in it, it's nothing scary. They are just regular parents all there for same reason. If they know each other, they may chat. That is all. Nothing sinister is going on.

i dont blame you ,i honestly tried coming out my shell.Smile be friendly ,try to get to know them but you know what they do not give a crap.They stay in their groups and have no interest in being friends.Its hard really hard having no friends but the internet does bring hope of you finding people more like you

I don't recognise the 'clique' thing either. I stand outside the gate and chat to anyone there, I know some of them, don't know others but it passes the time.

I have made some friends from the school gate though- there is none of this drama people talk about here though.

I sympathise. Totally grim.

I hate it usually. I'm a single non-working mum of two boys with serious medical issues, and I'm hugely judged for it. Most of them are in couples with big range rovers etc (school is in a posh area). None of them have a single clue what lead me to being stuck in this situation (ex sexually and financially abusive, cheating, walking away) and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It could happen to ANY of them. Their kid could get ill and require operations and treatment, and they'd have to give up work to look after them. I was supposed to be starting a mental health nursing course next year... I was SO geared up for it. I want to work with children and (support their parents) with behavioral/mental health problems. What are they whispering about? That I'm having a jolly old time with my £3 in the bank and my smartprice beans on toast for tea, 5 year old primark clothes with holes in and no holidays in years? Or judging that it's all my own fault? I'd actually massively prefer it if we were all made to stand 2m apart and no little cliques and whispering could take place.

You don’t have to hide in the car. It’s not compulsory to talk to people! I have times when I’m chatty and times when I talk to no one. Equally I see people who always stand alone with headphones on or playing with their phone. I don’t judge anyone. Just be you.

It is your own perception that 'everyone is judging you', and not all friendship groups are cliques

Hi @Pluckedpencil I hope you are well :)

I do try to make an effort to talk to anyone standing by me or greet them good morning. I am quite a friendly and chatty person. Obviously female only, as in my religion we don't talk to men, only if necessary, postmen, bus drivers that sort of thing lol. I wouldnt ignore someone because their husband is there or if my husband is there. That's very odd. One of the Asian woman I mentioned we sit together in the assemblies talking before it begins about holidays, work and family life etc. One time she came with her husband. I never spoke a word to him, he sat down and began tapping about on his phone, and me and her just continued on chatting. I didnt ignore her because her husbands there. I also have a mixture of non Muslim and Muslim friends and my husband is always polite to them and asks questions. Like how are you and oh, where are you from, how is your family. Its just courtesy I suppose as its a friend of mine who has popped round for coffee etc . But he wouldn't go out of his way to strike up a conversation with a female. That's just the way our religion is. I don't have any male friends, I don't see the need. Dh doesn't have any female friends. It's just the way things go. Whilst other people don't understand it, I do and am used to it.

On the urdu thing, I also thought it was rude. But wasn't sure if it was just me. But my husband agreed. And usually he's very open and honest if I am being unreasonable. But he was in agreement with me on that one....
I speak quite good French, and If I was standing talking to an English friend and then a French friend of mine came along, I would turn away and start talking in French with the French friend when I was having a perfectly fine conversation in English, I would say I was definitely being rude. Even they talk about me because they will say in urdu 'white person' nudging at me and something I was saying and I just think what the hell are they saying. My husband is multi lingual. And he understands urdu so perhaps I should bring him along so he can interpret for me hahaha.

sauvignonblancplz we have't got grandparents nearby adn most others don't either. I'd love them nearby though .

At the school my kids go to there are a whole mix of parents, but no cliques. There isn’t a group of people who are rude or exclusive, or overly dramatic. It might seem that it’s difficult to be ‘one of the gang’ but in my experience there isn’t even really a gang. When you see a group of mum’s chatting and laughing, it isn’t intended to exclude other people. There isn’t a single parent I can think of in either of my Kid’s year group that is deliberately unfriendly.
I dislike small talk, so I tend to chat to the parents who will have a meatier conversation with me, but I’ll happily have a chat about someone’s weekend plans too.

I used to like it and I am very shy and socially awkward. I don't remember any drama. I used to gravitate towards the grandparents. There were three or four that were always warm and friendly.

People complaining about drama are usually part of the drama, or wishing they were.

You don't want to speak with people, you don't have to. There's a lot more projection than facts. You are usually not that interesting and other parents have a lot to deal with to be that focused on others.

@Roryrunner Yes I would imagine it makes a lot of difference to the context of support and the way communities then come together.

The trick is not to expect proper friendship. The playground mums are just that. People I small talk with in the playground to pass the time. Some days I speak to some people, other days to others. There are only two or three who've made it to "off play ground" regular friend status over the years.

I never get involved I drop and run off to work.

I don't worry about the cliche andgossiping groups - they have too much free time on their hands.

You don't have to engage with them. From what others say it involves lots of drama.... not for me

There's only one 'group' at our school and they are loud, lairy and bitchy with questionable morals (I know this because they talk very loudly and I've heard the gossip).
If I was invited into their fold I'd want someone to give me a shake and send me for mental assessment.
I chat to my ds's friends' mum and grandmother often at the school gates - but usually we grab our DC and run home to get on with our lives.

@Pluckedpencil that just sounds like shes shy tbh. If you're a woman and she only replies to your questions then I'd assume she socially anxious, her religion does not ban her from talking to non muslims .
I have a friend who is very socially awkward, moreao with men, she says herself that she doesnt understand why shes more shy with men as it doesnt matter if the mans older younger, fatter, not at all attractive to her but she'll just find she cabt talk to them whereas with women she finds it easier although is still very quiet until you get to know her.
And op shes said the same thing as you got years, that she dreads the school run and wishes she could be chatty but I tell her not to worry, I'm quite chatty and not at all anxious and I hate the school run too..I go in say hello and grab my children and leave.