To resent my DF for telling my DC......

[GoingCrazyInLockdown]

That when I was a child he washed my mouth out with soap? This happened pre lockdown when my parents came round to visit but it was brought up again the other day when my parents walked to our house and talked to us from bottom of our front garden. The first time it was brought up was because I said something silly like sod off and my DF said don’t make me wash your mouth out with soap again. My kids were like what! Then he proceeded to tell them I had a potty mouth when I was a child and that was the only way he could make me stop. Honestly I felt sick to my stomach. It’s taken me until my mid 30’s to realise that what my DF did was wrong on so many levels. I couldn’t believe he had the audacity to sit there looking so smug telling my kids what he did. Once my parents left my DC asked me a few questions as they couldn’t believe that their grandad would do something like that. But to be fair that’s because I’ve never told them what their grandad was like with me when I was a child as I don’t want to upset them.

Parents visited yesterday and my kids sat on the wall and spoke to them from a distance. I came out and somehow managed to trip over the step and I said bloody hell, which to be fair now a days is the full extent of my swearing. My DF then piped up and said, in a jokey way, that he has a bar of soap at home and he can go and get it. I honestly wanted to punch him in the face. I’d had enough so told him to go and get it but clearly it didn’t work on me when I was a child. He quickly shut up and changed the subject.

The older I’ve got the more strained my relationship has got with my parents as they’re over bearing, they try to interfere in my life, they always think they’re right and I’m wrong etc. As bad as it sounds the only good thing to come out of lockdown is that I only have to see them once or twice a week for 5 minutes from a distance.

Thanks @billy1966 for your kind words I really appreciate it. Everything you have said is right and I know that deep down. I guess I let things go when I moved out and had children of my own as my DF seemed to mellow and him and my DM seemed to be working on their relationship. I put my energy into living my own life and focussing on brining up my children the best that I could. My parents were ok for a while but then the last couple of years, which have been rather stressful for me and my dh, they took it upon themselves to interfere and offer “advice” but it wasn’t advice, I was them telling me what they think I should be doing. Their latest one is their opinion about my decision not to send my DC back to school next month. But I have my reasons for that and I shouldn’t have to justify it to them.

Yeah I have been considering therapy. Not sure how I feel about it just yet but it’s definitely worth thinking about. I tried chatting it to my sisters about things but they don’t want to talk about the past. They still bend over backwards trying to make our parents happy and they are happy to let them interfere in their lives and are always taking their advice. I refuse to be like that hence why they try even more to be controlling with me. It’s like they’re trying to break me.

I don't think your sisters are the ones to talk to. They're too close to the situation and will have their own ways of dealing with it, and you may not be able to support each other in the ways you all need. You need an impartial outside therapist.

Good point. I’ll definitely look into once things go back to normal in the world.

OP,
What you did was so normal, but soooo brave.

You got out.
You met someone.
You created a good life for yourself.
You put all the shit you experienced to the back of your mind and focused on making a better life for yourself.

And you did it👏

But you have your parents twice a week stressing you and picking the scab that is your childhood.

Your sister's are different, have a different character to you, can't deal with what went on, so deny it.

You know IT was wrong.
You know THEY were very wrong.

By posting on here you have made a massive leap forward.

You are acknowledging and beginning to accept that you are fxxking angry, and you have every right to be.

Take your time, reflect on how you are beginning to feel.
See how it sits with you.
Take your time over it.
Do this at YOUR pace.

Looking for a good therapist to explore how you feel could be very good for you.

Leave your sisters to their reality.

Focus on yours and what you are feeling now.

The greatest thing you could do now for yourself, is to accept that you are seriously pissed off with your parents and that you have every right to be.

How you channel these new feelings and what YOU decide to do, you can figure out going forward.

But twice a week seeing them is a huge amount.

I think seeing so much of them is the reason your anxiety is so heightened.

With every good reason.

Remember you are a hugely strong person.
You left home.
You created a successful life for yourself.
You chose a good man.
You are raising happy, loved children.
You have broken the cycle of abuse in your family.
You are a huge success story in your own lifetime.

Don't allow your parents to rain on your success.

Seeing so much of them is THE downer in your life.

You will get through this.

oh come on, my post was removed because you reported it as you disagree with me. It's your right. MN always remove reported posts....It's not me who insulted other posters.

I have no reason to be ashamed to wonder why so much drama upset about the children being told, not threaten, and not about the actual punishment itself. 🤷

Oh I am far from successful, well not career wise anyway. I used to work full time and always had done the same as my DH. But due to a few things happening I decided to go part time. My DF turned round and said oh so you’re going to be on benefits and proud now eh. Honestly I was mortified. We do get tax credits and child benefit but only for child benefit when I was working full time. I don’t own my own house, which is another thing my DP’s have commented on. But me and my dh were young and naive when house prices were just about affordable, they’re in no way affordable in our area now. Plus the fact we could never manage to save up the deposit needed. But I suppose that’s neither here nor there as it’s none of my parents business. My parents own their house and I only lived in one house growing up, unlike my own kids, but as far as stability goes that’s where it ended for me. But my DF in particular thinks he’s above me because he owns and I don’t.

Omg I did not report you. I made my last post and then came off Mumsnet for the evening as I’d started to get anxious. I’d never report a post unless I really thought I needed to.

I had a problem with my DF telling my DC because firstly I felt embarrassed for myself and for my DF, and secondly, because my DF clearly still thinks he can get one over on me and he knows when it comes to my kids that’s exactly the button he needs to press. There was no reason at all for my DF to mention this to my DC yet he did.

My DF used to say it jokingly , he would never have actually done it though.
Reading some of the above posts are a bit upsetting, Its sad what some have experienced and the parents now deem it a bit amusing abd not at all serious.

OP I didn't accuse you of reporting, you are not the one who swore at me either. It's other posters who love to be goady and start fights, sometimes it doesn't work

For me the problem is that he clearly doesn't think he did anything wrong, on the contrary, he appears to be proud of it. And that means that he's still the same controlling person he was when he brought you up.

It won't be easy, but you're stronger than you realise. Your DCs' reaction to what he said demonstrates that you've broken the pattern in the way you've brought them up.

Whereas in my case, my DM was also a victim, who keeps blaming herself for what we went through when we were growing up.

Yeah I was trying to figure out whether he actually thinks he did nothing wrong hence the joking about or if deep down he knows it was wrong but by bringing it up he wanted to see my reaction and if still held a grudge if you like. My DP aren’t stupid though. They know deep down we don’t have the close relationship that a lot of parents and adult children have. But I get the feeling they think I’m partly to blame as I push them away.

I suspect he thinks he did nothing wrong and is too weak and self-important to handle it when confronted with the fact that it was wrong, very wrong.

You could try telling him what it would take to gain your trust and love at this late stage but I wouldn't be too hopeful of it working. If he's anything like my father, he'll always think of himself as a good guy who is in the right or at worst, a good guy who was driven to things by the terrible actions of those around him (yes, that includes children) and while it wasn't great, it wasn't his fault and he wasn't responsible really. Either way, it's your responsibility to manage him. Except he's the parent, so actually you've no responsibilities to him at all.

OP I think you need to sit down and examine why you still feel the need to see your parents so often. Why do you expose yourself, again and again, to their verbal and emotional abuse? Why do you keep them so updated on your parenting decisions when you know it leads to constant criticisms?

I don’t see my own parents nearly as often, and we have a perfectly normal, loving relationship with no historic issues.

I know I do Dyrne. I guess maybe because I’m too soft but also because they aren’t like this all the time. We have had some good times over the years and they’ve never been horrible to my kids, so I just wanted to try and have some resemblance of a normal relationship with them. Plus I doubt myself at times and think I’m I just being mean and bitter as I should have dealt with all these feelings years ago and confronted them head on.

You do have the power now op. You just need to use it.

My parents were awful (not as bad as yours) but they are ok grandparents. They know if they overstep the line they will not see DS. And they are terrified of 'what other people will think'.

You need to stand up to them though and take no shit. My mother used to control everyone with her tantrums. Literally she would get on the floor and beat her fists and shout and my father let her because she couldn't help it

The last time she did it, DS was about 2 and going through similar. So I treated her as I treated him. I waited for her to finish, told her if she ever did it again I would 1) record it on my phone and upload it to you tube with her real name attached and 2) show the video to her sister. And I meant (and still mean) it.

Funny that she now manages to control herself. I even joke about her little tantrums in front of others when she's edging close to my line. It brings her back into the bounds of acceptable behaviour.

OP I didn't accuse you of reporting, you are not the one who swore at me either. It's other posters who love to be goady and start fights,

how you have the gall to post that after your behaviour on this thread is beyond me.

OP please stop engaging with this person and explaining yourself. They sound ridiculous and everyone else on the thread can see it. Start working on your boundaries here and now and swat that person away.

Lol will do😊

My DF used to hit me round the head. I have never spoken about it to him. I was smacked by both parents. The hitting round the head still went on in my mid teens but I never thought to tell anyone or that it was abuse. I have a really good relationship with my folks so perhaps it’s a conversation that needs to be had