To resent my DF for telling my DC......

[GoingCrazyInLockdown]

That when I was a child he washed my mouth out with soap? This happened pre lockdown when my parents came round to visit but it was brought up again the other day when my parents walked to our house and talked to us from bottom of our front garden. The first time it was brought up was because I said something silly like sod off and my DF said don’t make me wash your mouth out with soap again. My kids were like what! Then he proceeded to tell them I had a potty mouth when I was a child and that was the only way he could make me stop. Honestly I felt sick to my stomach. It’s taken me until my mid 30’s to realise that what my DF did was wrong on so many levels. I couldn’t believe he had the audacity to sit there looking so smug telling my kids what he did. Once my parents left my DC asked me a few questions as they couldn’t believe that their grandad would do something like that. But to be fair that’s because I’ve never told them what their grandad was like with me when I was a child as I don’t want to upset them.

Parents visited yesterday and my kids sat on the wall and spoke to them from a distance. I came out and somehow managed to trip over the step and I said bloody hell, which to be fair now a days is the full extent of my swearing. My DF then piped up and said, in a jokey way, that he has a bar of soap at home and he can go and get it. I honestly wanted to punch him in the face. I’d had enough so told him to go and get it but clearly it didn’t work on me when I was a child. He quickly shut up and changed the subject.

The older I’ve got the more strained my relationship has got with my parents as they’re over bearing, they try to interfere in my life, they always think they’re right and I’m wrong etc. As bad as it sounds the only good thing to come out of lockdown is that I only have to see them once or twice a week for 5 minutes from a distance.

My grandad did this, a fair few of my mates had it done too. Born late 80s, so its not even as if it was ages ago (of course if it was, its still not right). Some seem to think its simply a phrase parets used..it wasn't for me.

Its never been brought up as an adult, especially not as a 'joke'. Same as I was smacked, never joked about as I think they realise now that it was wrong. 'Everyone does it' is not really a good excuse.

My parent, my DF thinks I’m too soft with my DC. He says things like you’re the boss not them, they should do as their told or else. But my DC are food kids. I’ve always been firm but fair and very loving. It isn’t in me to hurt them in any way and maybe sometimes I have been a bit soft with them but I pick my battles and want them to feel loved. Something I didn’t always feel when I was a kid.

I think a lot of parents did things like that years ago. I too remember my mother shoving a bar of soap into my mouth because I had been cheeky.

" I’m finding I have less tolerance for their bull shit."

Well that's obviously a good thing-& he's outed himself to his GC as a bully who even now doesn't think that what he did was wrong-indeed he perhaps finds it funny.

Plus the undertone that still thinks that as an adult he could discipline you!

All kinds of fucked up!

You're so young Op that I thought that disciplining a child like that had been unacceptable for many years!

I'm in my mid 50s & thought that it only happened (if ever truly!) when my parents were kids.

Bullies are bullies though whatever the decade!

As much as anything, I'd be extremely annoyed that my parent had the temerity to chastise me about my language, as a grown adult and parent, in my own home, and in front of my children.

I'd be telling myself that what my parents (and they don't sound that 'd') thought of how I parent is totally irrelevant, because I knew what a pisspoor job they did of it.

I understand what you’re saying but I have not followed in my DM’a footsteps in that I’ve never allowed anyone to treat me badly as adult. My DH is the most kindest sweetest man and I can count on one hand the times he’s raised his voice to me in 18 years. I agree with you that I need to decide how best to deal with this though.

Oh, and I'm late forties, and I got taken to the doctor with a white rash on my tongue, for the doctor to tell my mother to lay off washing my mouth out with soap for swearing, as much as anything it clearly wasn't working.

We got belted with hair brushes, wooden spoons, hairbrushes, skipping ropes, and bare hands and fists, whatever was to hand when they lost their temper.

A babysitter used to wash our mouths out with soap. Never thought of it as abuse, but I can see now it was disproportionate.

Omg that’s terrible. I’m so sorry you had to deal with all that. I can’t remember being hit with an object but often my DF would hit me round the head. My mum walked in a few times and shouted to my DF not to hit my head, like it was completely acceptable to hit me elsewhere. My parents went out almost every weekend either together or separately with friends, and I’d often be woke to them arguing on the drive and my DM’s friends stepped in to try and help my DM but then they’d leave and it would carry on once my parents came inside. What got me the most is that there were times when it was completely the opposite and my parents seemed weirdly happy. We went on some great holidays, I had the best clothes etc but that meant nothing to me. All I wanted was a normal childhood.

My DH has told me straight that my parents are threatened by how we chose to parent our kids and that they are understandably insecure because they did such a shit job with me and my siblings. At first I brushed it off because I’m not the type to big myself up about my parenting as I’ve made mistakes but so have lots of other parents. I think he might have a point though. When we’ve made decisions about our kids my parents have always had something to say and it has always been negative.

My gran actually did that she was as hard as nails from Tyneside. We've got a photo of her holding a shotgun with a pheasant she bagged for the pot she'd skin and gut them and all that, very resorcfull and strict as it took to maintain behavour and discpline and the word of the lord!

But she did have a very kind side, but i'd never call her abusive though..

It’s not OK that, on becoming parents, you didn’t tell your H about the domestic abuse and your parents’ treatment of you.

As your DCs’ father he has responsibility, with you, for taking decisions about who sees/has unsupervised contact with your DC, and this info might have changed his views.

I really feel for you OP. Have you read ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’ by Phillipa Perry? That might help you with some ways to set boundaries with your Dad.

This makes me grateful that my abusive F is dead. He inflicted SA on my DSis and me and allowed others to do that to us too. He didn't abuse my DB but he allowed others to abuse him, and encouraged him to join in.

My DM didn't know about that, I do believe her. But she is guilty of gaslighting. She says she had no indication that there was anything going on, but there were indications but when we mention them, she says she doesn't remember that. (She's devastated about it and cries if we mention it, and asks us not to spoil her time with her DGC.

She accepts that our F smacked us too hard, and maintains that she stopped him. Whereas she actually didn't, and smacked us herself. She admits that she caned my DB at 10 because he couldn't work out a simple sum. She'd told us about it before, and that it had haunted her for years, but I'd assumed that he must have done something really bad, whereas it was only about his Maths homework. That really shocked me.

Thankfully she doesn't joke about it, but she rewrites history. When I'm having difficulties with my DDs she'll say, 'My 3 never did that', as if to make out that she must have been such a good parent. (I've never quite had the nerve to ask her, 'Then why did you snack us so often?')

She was guilty of neglect, other people thought it at the time. She was too busy with her work and emotionally distant, which is why we were never able to tell her what was going on.

I have a lot of resentment when she interferes in my parenting and my relationship with her isn't great, but she has a good relationship with my DDs. (I've learned to be more assertive when she oversteps the mark.)

In your case, OP, your F sounds downright horrible and I really would consider reducing contact completely. (I realise that it isn't easy, with them living so close, though.)

I considered that where my DM is concerned but she's 80 and my DDs love her, and tbh so do I really. I know that she was actually a victim of EA herself and of coercive and financial control.

I'm sorry that you've had this to cope with. You may well find that he backs off now you're standing up to him, and your DS has seen his true colours.

If I were in your shoes; I wouldn’t be able to carry on as normal with my parents unless there was a frank conversation and they apologised for their actions and admitted that they were wrong for doing these awful things.

That would mean that there would be no future jokes at your expense referencing said events, because they would understand it’s a hurtful memory for you - so not something they should fondly reminisce on with others. And they would no longer pass judgement on your parenting either, because they know that their harsh approach wasn’t right.

And if they didn’t do this, I’d just cut them off forever. It’s not normal to have to placate people who were nasty to you, parents or not. It’s toxic for your own mental health, and again you can’t be sure that they won’t be nasty towards your children as they don’t see an issue with their behaviour.

There isn’t anything wrong with being firm with kids but there is a line they shouldn’t me crossed in my opinion. My grandparents never laid a finger on my parents. I remember my Nan telling me that my DF was a handful at times but nothing out of the ordinary. She said in her generation it was common to hit your child as a punishment but she never wanted to be that kind of parents and she would never allow my grandad to act in this way either. My DF didn’t experience abuse, he had a good childhood like my DM did, but clearly something went wrong somewhere.

Maybe you’re right Dozer but I felt ashamed and didn’t know how best to tell him. I would never allow my DC to be hurt, not by anyone, and my DH knows that.

If he says it again I think I'd ask him straight out if he thinks that is anything to be proud of. I'm amazed that people did this, when I was growing up in the 50s I heard it said but it was one of those daft things parents said and kids would run off laughing. I never knew anyone who did it or had it done to them.

So presumably your DC have zero unsupervised contact with your parents? If they have any at present, would change this for the future. IMO your parents are not suitable people to be in sole charge of DC, even for short periods of time.

Also sounds like you yourself could benefit from reduced contact.

Suggest the Stately Homes threads and reading recommended on there.

I think you’re upset for good reason. It’s hard that he remembers back to when you were young & doing that, with amusement. If he was sorry, it would be a different story. Could you tell him the effect it has/had on you? Hopefully if he sees how you feel, he’ll behave differently. That generation did things differently, which is no excuse, I know. My dm often tells me she wishes she raised her dc like people do nowadays & has many regrets.

Yeah I heard some of my friends parents tell them they’d wash their mouths out with soap, but they didn’t actually do it. I can’t quite figure out if my DF said it because he genuinely doesn’t realise it was an issue and it hasn’t scarred me, or if he knows full well how it affected me and he’s being sly bringing it up to get a reaction and upset me.

My DH has told me straight that my parents are threatened by how we chose to parent our kids and that they are understandably insecure because they did such a shit job with me and my siblings.

Your DH is spot on.

I really do think it's important not to go along with the line of it being 'discipline'. Because it's generally done when a parent loses their temper and their self control along with it. It's physical abuse, and bullying.

My mother, when I was in my thirties, brought up an incident, whereby I'd been falsely accused of some pretty serious stuff when I was a teenager. My mother deigned (for once in her life) to believe me. She said that it was a good job she'd believed me, because if she hadn't, she would have felt it necessary to physically chastise me. I looked her dead in the eye, and agreed that it was indeed a very fortunate thing she'd believed me, because at that stage she would have got it straight bloody back, and with compound interest to boot.

She went quite pale. I was well known in my family for not starting fights, but if someone started one with me, I'd finish it, good and hard.

"My dm often tells me she wishes she raised her dc like people do nowadays & has many regrets."

What stopped her though?

I get peer pressure to a point-but if you don't want to smack your kids/force soap in their mouths, you don't have to-in fact it has never been compulsory!

It amazes me how people think washing a child’s mouth out with soap is something to brag about. It’s like they’re saying “look what a great parent I was”. Next time he says it, say something like, “if a parent did that nowadays they’d be done for abuse, why are you bragging about something so disgusting”?

Yes I’m similar now in that I don’t go looking for confrontation but people (Adults) can only push me so far and I’ll crack. In fact that’s just what I did with my parents last year. My DF called me a liar over something ridiculous and wouldn’t let it go. I’d told a white lie that wasn’t going to hurt anyone, in fact I only did it save embarrassment and my DM’s feelings yet my DF had a go at me. We didn’t speak for a few weeks as I couldn’t deal with them. They eventually apologised in their own way but clearly they aren’t that sorry as even in lockdown when they haven’t been inside my hose for two months, they’re still interfering. I tell them very little now about my DC as they seem to be on a mission to prove they could parent them better and make me feel like I’m doing thorns wrong.