To resent my DF for telling my DC......

[GoingCrazyInLockdown]

That when I was a child he washed my mouth out with soap? This happened pre lockdown when my parents came round to visit but it was brought up again the other day when my parents walked to our house and talked to us from bottom of our front garden. The first time it was brought up was because I said something silly like sod off and my DF said don’t make me wash your mouth out with soap again. My kids were like what! Then he proceeded to tell them I had a potty mouth when I was a child and that was the only way he could make me stop. Honestly I felt sick to my stomach. It’s taken me until my mid 30’s to realise that what my DF did was wrong on so many levels. I couldn’t believe he had the audacity to sit there looking so smug telling my kids what he did. Once my parents left my DC asked me a few questions as they couldn’t believe that their grandad would do something like that. But to be fair that’s because I’ve never told them what their grandad was like with me when I was a child as I don’t want to upset them.

Parents visited yesterday and my kids sat on the wall and spoke to them from a distance. I came out and somehow managed to trip over the step and I said bloody hell, which to be fair now a days is the full extent of my swearing. My DF then piped up and said, in a jokey way, that he has a bar of soap at home and he can go and get it. I honestly wanted to punch him in the face. I’d had enough so told him to go and get it but clearly it didn’t work on me when I was a child. He quickly shut up and changed the subject.

The older I’ve got the more strained my relationship has got with my parents as they’re over bearing, they try to interfere in my life, they always think they’re right and I’m wrong etc. As bad as it sounds the only good thing to come out of lockdown is that I only have to see them once or twice a week for 5 minutes from a distance.

My DF is similar and did horrid things I'd never tell my children. With age he has mellowed and my kids adore him, they would never be able to believe if ever told them how he was growing up. Our relationship is strained, as is with my mother as I feel she let him behave that way. I don't forgive them but it's ignored and we carry on. They're ok grandparents and they see how fab my kids have turned out having brought them up in a better environment.

My mum does this and re writes history. I find as I get older I have less and less tolerance for the crap and get more and more resentful of how she was and I think part of that is because she will not ever admit that what she did was wrong.

I have brought my son up differently. He has been showered with love not violence. He has privacy when he wants it and I want him to have his own life separate from me. I get lots of digs about how we've brought him up, but I do not care. My son has never woken up in a morning scared to get out of bed because of his mum or dad.

I just tell my mum now when she is overstepping the mark. I no longer have to do what she tells me because I am her daughter.and she can like it or lump it.

All I wanted was a normal childhood.

Umm .. does anyone ever have one of them?.

I grew up on a pretty tough working class council estate in the 50's and 60's it was very commonplace to be hit by your dad, never mum. The dad was seen as the discpline enforcer and invaribly we'd have commited some misdemeanour to have deserved a wallop. It was never done for the fun of it, there was a reason. We'd nicked something, cheeked someone, caused some upset, broken something, vandalised whatever.

The same was meeted out at school the cane was used there, it was a bit of a mark of respect if you were a hard lad and took a caning and the old bill or local copper thought of nothing to clip you round the ear for whatever reason it was.

But we never thought it was done with abusive or sadistic intent. We took our punishment and that was that, over and done with. In a way I think we were fortunate we were bought up with what was, odd as it seems good intent! by our parents and teachers and the police at that time.

However it can be plainly seen that some here have suffered and badly too. Seems that there are some real abusive sadistic bastards around.

My first wifes mum had a very abusive father, if he were around today with what he did to her mum and i got hold of him i'd be on a murder charge!

I found with my mother that it really helped not giving her any ammo'. So anything I told her about the kids, it was innocuous, what they were doing at school, any achievements, their extra-curriculars - in such a way that there was no room for her to think I was wanting her advice or opinion.

If she did start in, I'd cut her straight off, and say, 'yeah nah, DH and I know what we're doing, we've got this thanks'.

Another one I used, when sorely provoked was, 'you got to parent your way (I have the scars to prove it), and we're going to parent our way. You have every right to your opinion as to how we parent, and I have every right to say, keep it to yourself, I don't want to hear it.'

And if they want to sulk, because you didn't take their shit lying face down with 'welcome' written on your back - let them. They need you far more than you need them.

my MIL did that to my dh when he was little, she also has some very old fashioned vocal opinions on other matters. however we are strong as a couple and agree with eachother that she is a poor misguided thing and he has got over the event, agree with others you need to stand up for yourself and say something along the lines of 'so glad parenting techniques have moved on, I'd never do that, if anyone did their kids would call childline, and quite right too". I think your DF was seeking some validation of his existence by stamping his authority on you like that, don't give him jurisdiction on your heart! you can do this without cutting contact imo, it's an attitude.

I have a very strained relationship with my mother. She used to hit me with a hairbrush/wooden spoon or whatever was near for being 'too noisy' .... she took my birthdayChristmas money and spent it on herself. She used to lie about everything when we were growing up and as adults the lies got bigger and bigger. Her affairs (my father always forgave her and took her back). He two faced bitching - she once looked after our home whilst we were on holiday and let my brother, his wife and children visit and showed them how messy my teenage sons bedrooms were! (They really was intrusive - her response well they should be 'made' to tidy up).

I actually hate her now. She is vile and it has taken a lifetime to realise that it is her personality and that she is basically a thoroughly unlikable selfish woman. She is lovely to strangers and nasty and two face to her family. I now avoid her and have the minimum of contact because my father is lovely, old and vulnerable. He is in the extremely vulnerable category being in his 80's with terminal cancer and she was lying that she was staying in but secretly going out despite having her family deliver everything she needs. She doesn't care. I finally stopped speaking to her.

The upshot is your father is vile. Don't let him near your children. When he calls round and makes comments get your children inside - they don't need to listen to him recount his abusive ways to them. I kept trying with my mother - it never worked though. Don't let your father spoil anything or intervene in anything that you don't want him to.

Well that it. You have set boundaries and have brought you own DC brilliantly from the sound of things and you should be proud. Don’t get me wrong there have been times I’ve told my kids off and thought maybe I shouldn’t have but I’ll apologise if I’m in the wrong. My parents rarely do that. I give my kids what I can materialistically speaking but I’ve never felt the need to go ott to show that I know them. My parents are obsessed with asking what they have got for Christmas and birthdays. I know some grandparents ask those things but my parents want to know every detail. This years because of lockdown my teenage DS didn’t really want anything in particular for his birthday. Shops are closed and he hadn’t seen anything online so he asked would it be ok to have some money as he’d like to save up to buy a few bits once the shops reopen. My parents asked him what he’d got and seemed shocked when he told them that he “only” got money and didn’t have a present to open. It’s like they think if you don’t spend a lot on your kids you don’t love them. They know I’m bringing my kids up differently but they always ignore me when I ask them not to keep buying them unnecessary gifts.

I'm a bit confused, Op. You said "I have to admit I do judge my DM.'.

But then you are exposing your children to people who are still abusive to you. They don't offer your DC anything, your husband doesn't want them around, why are you allowing them to carry on abusing you? You are showing your children that it's ok for someone to undermine you, criticise you, bully you.

Why is that ok? How will they feel safe if you don't protect their mother?

My mum tried doing this recently..
"Remember how you used to lie" yea so you didn't strangle me again or exaggerate to my DF who would then hit us.

"Remember when you did such bad things growing up" Yea like trying rollups and skiving because that's all she ever used to brag about. Or drinking when my dad would regularly brag about his youth drinking.

It wasn't funny. My childhood had its moments but wasn't ideal.

Yes, I think some kids do manage to have a normal childhood, including my own children. We might not own our own house, we rent though the council, but we have a permanent and lovely home, my DH has a decent job meaning I can get away with working part time so I get more time with my DC. My kids aren’t spoiled but they have everything they need, they have two parents who would do anything for them. That being said I’ve raised my kids to take responsibility for their actions. They aren’t part of what some describe as the snow flake generation but they know right from wrong and understand how important it is to treat people how you would want to be treated.

Yep, 30s here and my mother used to threaten it although she never did do it. I do know someone whose did it to her daughter, who's my age, and now she wonders why her daughter moved to another continent and won't visit or stay in contact. Dad was abusive, although he didn't do this particular thing, and Mum stood by hand wringing and doing fuck all about it. He thought it was funny too, the shit. Mum sometimes does a wibbly "we didn't know it was wrong", to which I reply that we did tell her, often enough. The fact that the house was a constant pressure cooker of screaming, shouting and physical assault should have alerted her too.

I haven't got much advice OP, as my father is now dead and I didn't give a shit about his approval even when he was alive. I guess it's very hard when you've never been able to break that dynamic and feel frightened of them. I'll just say that you don't actually need them, and your kids don't either. You've said yourself that your parents aren't interested in making the actual time and energy investment to forge a real relationship with your kids, and they've managed to upset them. I really think you should tell them to fuck off and take their cutesy abuse reminiscences with them. I'm nice to my mother because I do love her, but I've got no qualms about skewering her flawed hero narrative about our childhood when she tries it. She can take it or leave it and in Dad's absence it seems she takes it. You don't actually owe your parents anything.

I completely get what you’re saying but my DF has never and would never hurt my DC.

He should not have hurt you. It's even worse that he still wants to remind you who is boss.

They’re not still abusive to me though. They’re interfering, annoying, sarcastic but aside from the comment about soap in my mouth they don’t usually discuss my childhood or how they were with me in front of my kids. We usually see them once a week, maybe twice for around half an hour and that’s it. My teenager was home when my DF called me a liar and he seen me calmly but firmly tell them to get the hell out of my house and not come back until they were willing to apologise. He knows how to treat people and is the kindest boy as are my other children.

I agree with what your saying nasalspray. As a child I wasn’t able to stand up for myself, well not until I was older. When I was a teenager I fought back which he hated. I kicked them out of my house a while back which I found really hard but I couldn’t listen to they’re tripe any longer. My DF apologised but I think he only did that as he knew I was on the verge of losing it and I’d cut off contact altogether.

They're not abusive now because they couldn't get away with it. Back when you were dependent and vulnerable it was fine.

You don't have to put up with them. Your kids already know what they're like.

My DF apologised but I think he only did that as he knew I was on the verge of losing it and I’d cut off contact altogether.

And there you have it. You have the power. Use it if you have to.

You’re right. To be honest I’m just happy that I turned out ok in the end and have been able to parent my kids completely differently. I do have some pent up anger and frustration but thankfully I’ve managed to keep it in check and have been able to parent my kids in a way that my parents never could with me.

But what I find weird is that it’s ok for my parents to push me to breaking point but when I eventually snap I’m the one who’s irrational and causing upset.

Op do we have the same father? Mine washed my mouth out too, and would hit me on the head. He was more emotionally abusive to my mother and I than physically but had a very volatile short temper. I also started standing up to my father in my teens which is when we began to clash. My parents are still together now and my father has continued to be interfering and controlling in my life. I have a lot of resentment towards him.

But I continued with contact despite my bitterness and we would have intermittent failings out. I felt too weak to confront him and tell him how I felt for fear of his temper. Unfortunately it took him behaving in a completely unforgivable manner when my DD was stillborn last year that made me go NC and it was the best thing I've done. I'll never expose any future children of mine to him.

You sound like a great mum OP, don't doubt yourself. It sounds like your dad sees nothing wrong in what he did to you as a child which is disgusting. It is incredibly difficult when you're in this situation and have lived with it all your life to actually go NC or LC but I would strongly recommend trying LC if you can. You have my sympathies.

I’m not apologising in any way for his behaviour. But I and many kids my age growing up were ‘belted’ and such when I was growing up (late 70s &80s)

I remember me and my friend running from her dad down the street saying he was ‘gonna leather’ her when he got his hands on her

I remember by mum hitting my ankles so hard she sprained her wrist.

Some people just thought it was ok and their right to do this with kids. It was also not that unusual for a husband to slap his wife ( although it was frowned on - it wasn’t the end of the world)

Thankfully with child line and other charities pushing that children had a place to contact made it more in the open and way less acceptable.

Even on here there is great debate whether it’s ok to smack your kids. Many posters will come on and say ‘well I was smacked and I learned respect - never did me any harm’

He just is so convinced that it was fine to do it then he actually looks back on it as a fond memory when actually it was an incredibly traumatic and hurtful time for you.

In your position I’d ring him and say ‘dad when you put soap in my mouth it was incredibly traumatic and I still feel sick to the stomach you actually did that. When you bring it up laughing it makes me feel like you could actually do that to my kids. You actually really hurt me and you never apologised for it’

It will either cause him to be mortified and apologies or completely minimise it. If he minimises it you should really look at do you really need to be in this relationship.

But what I find weird is that it’s ok for my parents to push me to breaking point but when I eventually snap I’m the one who’s irrational and causing upset.

Don't doubt yourself OP. It's not okay for your parents to wind you up. You're not irrational for responding to it. Your dad is the one causing upset here. As suggested by @spillinteas I think you should call him out on it 'why are you bragging about bullying me as a child dad, your behaviour was out of order, you weren't the nicest dad at times and you're embarrassing yourself by bringing that up...'. Then hold your calm.

We used to get our mouths washed out with soapy water at school if we swore.

It wasn't unusual at the time but I don't think it's something to brag about now. It never happened at home though.

I could understand a reaction if your parents had threaten your children, but merely telling them a true story? Are you also this sensitive, sick to your stomach or so upset when someone teases you or is being sarcastic?

It sounds like you are embarrassed and ridiculously over-reacting.

Wow that was a bit harsh if you don’t mind me saying. You don’t know me so how can you assume I will damage my children’s mental health. I know how it feels to be treated badly so I’ve grown up to treat people how I would like to be treated and have passed that on to my own children. I’m not over dramatic, I’m sensitive, there is a difference. But what can you expect when I was treated the way I was and now as an adult, my parents still feel that they can control me. That’s not a nice feeling for anyone. Just because I wanted to punch my dad in the face in that particular moment, I didn’t do it and nor would I. I won’t apologise for feeling the way I do after years of abuse to myself and my DM. It didn’t happen once it happened repeatedly!