Instant dislike

[okycoky17]

I have always been able to tell instantly, i.e within the first 30 seconds of meeting someone, whether I like them or not. And those instincts have always been proved right.

On the flip side i’ve met people who have instantly either taken to me or disliked me. And what’s weird about it is you can’t pinpoint exactly what’s happened to provoke either response. AIBU to think that we all operate this sixth sense despite that old saying “never judge a book by it’s cover?” I think we all have this quick like or dislike response when I we meet someone. We might be conditioned by modern society to say we’ll reserve judgement but in truth is probably either “yeah, you’re nice,” or “I don’t trust you!”

How odd. I very rarely form a strong negative impression of people on a first meeting.

Lots of people in the asd community speak about how others take an instant dislike to them, often before they've even spoken. I can't see this as a good thing.

I do this and 9 times out of 10 I’m proven right. Dh says it’s my worst trait😂😂 I think it’s my best trait, I can weed out a bad yin in no time!

I don’t really trust people, I find it difficult so this may be why.

My Dad had the ability to really rile me. We never really got on and looking back I think he was aware of his ability to wind me up and actually derived pleasure from deliberately doing so. I know some people do this in a teasing way with no harm meant, but the problem with my Dad was that he never knew when to stop. We used to have the most horrendous arguments about nothing. He died when I was in my twenties and although it was very sad (he had Parkinson's) I was also quite relieved in a way because he always expected everyone to do everything for him after my Mum died and was quite high maintenance.

Several years after his death I went on a works training course. I didn't know anyone else on the course but there was this one older guy that for some reason I took an instant dislike to. I couldn't put my finger on it and then on the evening of the first day it hit me. He reminded me of my Dad. He even sounded like him. The course went on for about a week and I kept getting put in groups with him. He would try and take over and dictate what everyone did even though a lot of the time he hadn't read any of the instructions and completely misunderstood what we supposed to do I resisted the temptation to put him right or contradict him. I knew from bitter experience how it would end. Our group always came last in everything and we received several reprimands from the training Manager. When I went back to the office my Manager was quite concerned at my low scores from the course and asked for an explanation. I explained what had happened and he arranged for me to go on the course again. It was a completely different set of people, I got much higher scores and was much happier.

How much of this was due to confirmation bias I don't know. But if I ever run into anyone who reminds me of my Dad I tend to give them a wide berth or at the very least not allow myself to get drawn into anything.

I was ashamed of feeling that irrational revulsion, so I made a point of being extra hospitable and helpful. Each one turned out to be malicious beyond belief, causing an inordinate amount of disruption and unhappiness in mylife

Absolutely. My life has vastly improved from just no longer extending hospitality to those who raise the hairs on the back of my neck. I'm friendly, but don't engage beyond surface level. Life changing stuff. This is probably one of those learned with age things.

Yeh, I agree with those above that gut instinct is often based on unconscious prejudices. There is nothing "woo" about it in an "I have an instinct for what people are like sort of way". It is more - "I immediately judge someone I meet based on their looks and overall bearing and manner, and then I search for things that prove me right."

I don't normally decide until I've known someone a while. Some people just "look" a bit shifty but are decent!

Instinct is very unreliable. We can dislike people because they remind us of someone in the past we disliked; or they remind us of aspects of ourselves we're not happy with, or we are envious without acknowledging it because they are everything we fail to be but wish we were, or because we sense there is something odd about them, which may be very benign but just socially inept.

I’m normally the one on the receiving end of this. Where most take one look at me, decide they don’t like. Never spend any time getting to know me.
I’m also autistic and very black and white with things, this also seems to make people avoid me. Because of this I don’t have any friends for the amount of times Iv been used, taken for granted or stabbed in the back it’s not worth the hurt.

@KindlyFOD

“You are very proud”

Am I? I also said in my post that others have taken an instant dislike to me. Case in point perhaps.

I’ve got this wrong so many times that I now assume someone I take and instant dislike to is probably going to be a good friend - pretty much everyone I’ve initially taken against has turned out to be a real pal.

Occasionally, this happens. Many times I'm wrong, when it comes to disliking someone, usually female historically, they usually turn out to be quite sweet and we usually become friends.

However last summer I was at a party, and a woman entered and I was just so uneasy around her, i couldn't get my head around it, but i didn't trust her - end of the night it was discovered that she had stolen someone's personal belongings and when she was about to be caught threw them in a Bush outside. Shocking behaviour.

Also, I think my radar must be really off, because my choices in men are usually really shit (including getting robbed in the middle of the night by one boyfriend!)

This is making me a little sad. I have had this happen in my life, where random people took an instant dislike of me. A new friend of one of my friends and a work colleague both had it very much.
Especially the colleague went out of her way to ‘prove’ I was a horrible person. I have been told that other colleagues have tried to defend me and to put her straight, but were all told that her instinct was always right. In the end management had to step in to tell her to stop. She did however manage to convince some people she was right. She herself didn’t feel she was bullying me or felt she was gossiping. She apparently felt she was kinda on a crusade to warn people about me.
For the life of me I will never understand what it was about me that pissed her off so much. The things she accused me off were certainly not true. Horrible experience.

How do you manage to make a decision in thirty seconds about whether or not you like someone? Unless they're wearing swastikas or the first thing they say to you is "I hate illegal asylum seekers" then how can you know so quickly that you're not going to like them?
I know it's possible to read a lot from people's body language, but is it really possible to see enough in thirty seconds to know for sure what kind of person they are?

Reminds me of this from a childhood book of nursery rhymes:-

I do not like thee, Doctor Fell,
The reason why I cannot tell,
But this I know and know full well,
I do not like thee Doctor Fell.

I think for me there is a difference between taking an instant like or dislike and having someone set off your 'creep' alarm.

I have definitely been wrong (or changed my mind on account of gradually seeing other qualities) in the case of the former so try to reserve judgement but would always pay attention to the latter instinct because I frankly couldn't overcome it if I wanted to. That's the one I think of as being rooted in survival instinct.

for me there is a difference between taking an instant like or dislike and having someone set off your alarm..... That's the one I think of as being rooted in survival instinct.

Nailed it, Rainbow. I couldn't think of the right word -- to be honest I suppose it was fear really. The two cases I mentioned were completely different from normal reactions. Not judging someone on superficial behaviour or appearance, not assessing them, not disliking something in their manner, not reacting to something they said or did.

The moment I saw each one, quite nearby, something in me recoiled. That's why I thought it was some kind of prejudice, though I couldn't think why. It was fear more than anything.

If I'd trusted that survival instinct, I would have saved myself a lot of grief and harm.

I'm autistic and many people dislike me instantly and don't ever change their minds. It makes it very difficult to meet my needs, as we are a social species and rely on the co-operation of others, who are less likely to help if they don't like you.

There's some research about it here: www.nature.com/articles/srep40700

My sixth sense is totally fucked. Every time I meet someone and feel sorry for them it turns out they are a very abusive/manipulative type. Luckily for me it's never been anyone I've gone out with, but you can guarantee if I meet a friend's new partner or whatever and my first thought is this weird feeling of pity, then it'll eventually come out that they're abusing them or violent or controlling.

What @Marlouse says really concerns me. People who think they are never wrong and that their instinct will be proved right can use this to absolutely savage another person's reputation or wellbeing. It's so facile to assume you can read a person in a few seconds.

There is a certain type of glib charmer man who gives me the creeps instantly. I can predict how they will behave when they come into a friend's life as the new 'wonderful' man. But that is reading 'tells' they have, not instinct. And I have witnessed a lot of people respond with instinctive dislike to my DH who is autistic. He doesn't have good social skills and people interpret that as creepy. In fact he is the loyalest, sweetest, funniest man and a wonderful dad. I think autistic people often get a bad reception at first.

I think it's dangerous to assume your instincts are always right. Its learning to interpret thise instincts in a reasonable way. I spent my formative career in some genuinely dangerous situations but specifically also with people who taught me change in person is a real thing.

I learnt to trust my situational instincts. I was daily in environments where it was common to be assaulted in a variety of different and unpleasant ways. I learnt , fast , to trust my instincts on changes in behaviour, almost imperceptible alterations in look in the eye. It many times allowed me to move fast enough , just before a punch or kick landed, or I got pushed up against a wall.

People though , I am careful to sense check it, Do they remind me of someone ? Have they used words or behaviour that link to something else ?

I've found I react strongly to people who have similar appearance and mannerisms to dsis. I'm careful not to judge until they have done something tangible.

I've also spent a lot of time with people that have done things that would make mumsnet cry , but would be unlikely to flag.

Saying that , on occasion , and I've had it with truly horrific evil people , that the instinct is so visceral and so strong I have to back off. Those have always been accurate but very very rare. If it's happening commonly I would argue that's judgemental, true evil, true unpleasantness is not that common.

My ds and many within my family are ASD , and we see peoples reaction to them. I suspect it doesn't happen with us their behaviour doesn't flag as atypical to us. This however is a blessing and a curse because we are not always the right people to help with social assimilation as we don't always see things as an issue that will set other peoples instincts off.

for me there is a difference between taking an instant like or dislike and having someone set off your alarm..... That's the one I think of as being rooted in survival instinct.

Spot on. It's ignoring the blaring "creep" radar that has sunk me in the past, not waiting and seeing how it goes with someone I'm just not sure I like.

I can see how this could be perceived as unfair to some, however even basic social misunderstanding can put a woman in serious danger of unwanted harm, so women always need to err on the side of caution.

Women being "nice" so often results in harm and then she is asked, "well why were you talking to him/hanging out with him/riding in a car with him/walking home with him etc etc. Or in the case of a "friend", "what did you say to her/do to her/something must have happened."

Women must be careful to avoid harm and the blame for that harm. At a certain point, it's just no longer worth it to be "nice."

It’s all very well going on ‘gut instinct’ but if the person judging is as thick as shit they won’t have much to go on.

Women must be careful to avoid harm and the blame for that harm. At a certain point, it's just no longer worth it to be "nice

Agree. Gavin De Becker talks a lot about this in his brilliant book the gift of fear. I think every woman should read it.

@PicsInRed - you make some brilliant points. But I think they are a slightly different issue.

Women should feel (anyone should) absolutely at liberty to turn down a lift, walk home alone or make whatever arrangements they wish at any point for any reason. They may well be trusting an instinct or they may just be exercising choice and freedom. Any good person would have no problem with another person doing that.

We all need to be aware of subtly controlling and manipulative behaviour masquerading as niceness. But I think that's a different process from taking an instant dislike to someone and extrapolating from that that they must be dangerous.